These Are Their Stories
by sassmaster
Summary: Kate Walker is the new detective at SVU with a dark past. Rafael Barba is the hard-hitting A.D.A with dislike of detectives. But when they work a case where mentally ill patients are being targeted by a psychopath, their feelings and their pasts are pushed into the open. Warning: mentions of rape, violence, adult themes
1. Impressions

Kate stared up at the looming building in front of her. The grey brick work and gloomy skies seemed to put a damper on her first day. She let out a deep breath. Everything would be fine, she told herself. She hiked her duffle bag over her shoulder and walked inside the building. The NYPD headquarters was just as busy as she imagined. Cops in their uniforms walked with detectives, handcuffed perps were being pushed along and sharply dressed lawyers powerwalked, as all lawyers did, in and out of the doors.

Scribbled on her hand in black pen were the words "SVU, Level 6." She ran to the elevator and caught it just in time. Her fingers tapped on the strap of her bag as the elevator rose. The mechanical doors slid open. The SVU squad room was quieter than downstairs. She pushed her way out of the elevator and walked along the hall.

Only two or three people were in the room. Behind shutters in a closed off office, she saw her new sergeant. She thought that would be the best place for her to go. She lightly tapped on the glass door three times.

"Come in."

Kate peeked her head into the office. "Sergeant Benson?"

"Kate Walker?"

"Yes, Sergeant." Kate said, moving inside.

"Take a seat."

Kate shuffled towards one of the two expensive-looking leather lounges. Sergeant Benson lowered herself into her swivel chair and laced her fingers together on the desk.

"Welcome to SVU." Benson smiled.

Kate returned her smile with a grin. "Thank you, Sergeant."

"Your Captain from Washington DC and Sergeant from Seattle gave you shining recommendations." Benson sighed. "To be candid with you, finding cops that can work sex crimes is almost impossible." She flicked through the folder on her desk. "But you…you've done two years as a victim's aid, two years in the sex crimes unit, and two years undercover. I have no doubt that you are strong enough. So, it leads me to ask: what are you doing here?"

Kate knew deep down that she was here to run, and to get away from what she had left behind. Instead, she gave another reason. "I've worked with every kind of victim there is, all different sorts of cases. It doesn't matter where you are. Every place you go has victims that need help."

"That's what I like to hear. Well, you'll be working with Carisi. Hopefully you can teach him something." Benson looked past Kate into the squad room. "Here's the team now."

Kate swivelled around to see a three men and woman walk in from the elevator. Benson stood up, opened the door and gestured for Kate to follow her.

Kate took a deep breath, and put a small smile on her face.

"Team!" Benson yelled. "Welcome our new detective – Kate Walker. Kate, this is Detective Finn Tutuola," He was a tall, black man with a face worn by life and the damaging nature of the job. He nodded at her with a smile.

"Detective Nick Amaro,"

An attractive, Latino man grinned a genuine smile with big white teeth. "Hey."

"Detective Amanda Rollins," The small blonde waved her hand at Kate as she placed her gun in her desk. "And your new partner, Detective Dominick Carisi."

The lanky, pale man with perfectly combed hair came forward and grabbed her hand. "Nice to meet you." His heavy Brooklyn accent was unmissable.

Benson tucked her hands in her pockets. "Now, she's worked in the sex crimes unit in Seattle and undercover in Washington DC. Make her feel comfortable."

"Where were you undercover?" Nick asked, wondering over to her. He gestured for her to let him take her bag. She smiled and handed it over to him. He placed it on the only empty desk in the squad room, then leaned on the corner.

"I was in a prostitution ring trying to catch politicians paying for sex with minors." Kate explained. She began unpacking her things at her new desk.

"Whoop." Carisi said. "She's been playing with the big boys."

"Were you involved in the take down of Senator Bell?" Finn asked. When Kate nodded, Finn let out a low whistle. "I'm talking to the girl who took down that bastard."

Benson gave a small smile. She wondered back into her office, confident that they would all get along.

Nick rolled up his sleeves as he talked. "I was U.C. for a few years in a drug ring."

Kate nodded. "I read about it in the papers."

As she unpacked, she placed two photos on the desk – a photo of a little girl and an older woman, and a picture of a dog.

Nick leaned over and glanced at them. "Is that your little girl?"

"That's me and my mother." She leaned back in her chair and pointed to everyone. "What about you all? Kids? No kids?"

Amanda stood up. "Me and Carisi here are flying solo." She clamped a hand over Carisi's shoulder.

"I've got a son. Twenty three. Most stressful thing in my life." Finn said.

"Yeah. I've got a little boy and a little girl." Nick explained.

"How do you ever find the time for them with this job?" Kate asked.

Nick's phone began to ring. He stood and still facing Kate, backed towards his desk. "They're my kids. They're everything no matter what." He picked up the phone.

Nick spoke quickly to the person on the other end. His voice got louder and louder. "Barba, that search was good."

The entire team watched the conversation.

"Well, the defence can argue that all they like, but it was by the book."

Nick listened for a moment to the person the other end, then his face turned into a frown. "Get screwed, Barba." He slammed the phone down.

Rollin's twirled her pen and looked at Nick. "He's not going away, you know. He'll just turn up here in an hour."

Nick sat down at his desk. "Well, that's one more hour that I don't have to deal with him."

Finn wondered over to Kate and whispered to her, "Our A.D.A Rafael Barba, he's…well let's just say he's hard hitting."

* * *

Kate was stirring her coffee in the break room, when she heard Nick's voice start yelling. It carried all through the squad room so every person there could hear it. Coffee in hand, she looked to see what all the commotion was.

Nick stood with hunched shoulders and clenched fists in front of a well-dressed middle aged man. Benson stood in-between them, obviously trying to be the voice of reason.

"The search of that car was perfect." Nick yelled.

"According to the defence attorney it wasn't. And there's no possible way to prove that it was because you weren't in a squad car or with a partner who could cohobate your story." The man said. He wasn't a tall man, but he carried himself in a way that oozed power. He presented himself impeccably – neat hair, an expensive suit, and an un-scuffed leather suitcase.

"She's just using previous accusations to get out of her mess. She killed Grandoni."

Kate had heard of the Grandoni case in the papers and around the squad room. A woman made it appear that her husband had raped her now deceased daughter in order to give her reason for killing him, when in fact she just wanted the life insurance money.

Benson raised both her hands to try to put some distance between them. "Guys, settle down. Barba, I know my guy. He searched that car by the book."

Barba walked over to the squad TV and plugged in a USB. A grainy security video began playing. The footage appeared to show Nick pulling the perp out of the car for no apparent reason and hand-cuffing her.

Kate stood from her desk and hovered behind everyone else watching the video.

"That's crap. She tried to flirt her way out, and when that didn't work she pulled a gun on me." Nick yelled.

"The defence attorney is going to argue that the weapon was in her glove box and once you found it, you figured it was the perfect cover up." Barba said.

Kate stared at the video and noticed something. "The car behind them is a Lancer Cx300." She stated.

The entire squad looked at her, most with a look of confusion.

"Who is this?" Barba looked at Benson and pointed an accusatory finger towards Kate.

"Our new detective, Kate Walker."

"Well, Detective Walker, while I am surprised at your knowledge of cars, I fail to see how this helps my case."

Kate just stared at him for a moment, shocked at his rudeness. She then strut forward to the screen and placed a finger on the Lancer. "Well, A.D.A Barba, while I am not surprised at your lack of knowledge of cars," She mimicked him. "You didn't let me finish."

Nick and Carisi scoffed with laughter. Barba watched at her, intrigued.

"In 2008, a report was released by the New York Times stating that Lancer's were the highest model of cars to be involved in insurance claims and crashes that resulted in an injury. Lancer decided that from the Cx220 they would put dash cams on the front and back of each car. The camera records, even when the car is turned off, and stores the footage its system until 3 months has passed, then its deleted."

Carisi, Rollins and Benson all stood there shocked. Nick and Finn grinned at her.

Barba looked at her smugly. He looked back towards the screen. "Okay, I want the footage from that car. Call me once you've found it." He picked up his briefcase and began walking out, however he stopped by Olivia's side. With his back to the rest of the team, he said loud enough that everyone could hear, "She's good."

The A.D.A strutted out of the room.

Kate shook her head and walked back to her desk. "I don't know what to think of that man."


	2. Questions

"We've got something!" Olivia yelled as she slammed down her phone. She read out the details from a piece of paper in her hand. "Maddison Davies. 12 year old girl found wondering the streets. Told an officer that she had been kidnapped and raped. She's recovering in Mercy Hospital." Olivia handed the paper to Kate. "You and Carisi are up."

Kate nodded sternly and grabbed her gun and badge. Carisi did the same. Together, they ran to the elevator.

* * *

Kate had seen so many victims, been to so many hospitals, and taken so many statements that most would think she was used to it. The truth was, however, that although it didn't shock her like it used too, every case took a little bit from her soul. With Carisi beside her, Kate hurried down the long halls of Mercy Hospital until they found the doctor they were looking for. After polite introductions, the doctor gave them a rundown of the girl's injuries.

"We did a rape kit. No semen. She's got torn and bruised vaginal tissue. There's evidence that she was tied up by her wrists and ankles."

"Can we talk to her?" Kate asked.

The doctor nodded. "She's in room 307 with her mother."

The detectives made their way to the room. Kate knocked softly and entered. A tired middle aged woman sat next to the hospital bed. Tucked in the sheets with tubes running in and out of her body was a bruised and damaged girl.

"Hi. I'm Detective Kate Walker. This is Detective Carisi." They flashed their badges. "Is it okay if we talk to you Maddison?" Kate talked as softly and as calmly as she could.

Both Maddison and her mother nodded. Kate moved one of the chairs over to the side of the bed. Carisi flicked open his small notepad and poised a ballpoint over the top of the paper.

"Can you tell me how he got you?" Kate asked.

Maddison sniffed. "I was walking home from school. I stopped for a moment...just a moment...to check my messages." Emotion filled the girls face. "He grabbed me from behind and dragged me into an alley way. He must have knocked me out because I don't remember anything after that until I woke up."

"Where did he take you?" Carisi questioned.

"I don't know where it was. It was cold." She closed her eyes for a moment. "I couldn't hear anyone, but I could hear cars. It was like...like a building site of some sort."

Kate nodded. "What happened when you woke up?"

The mother grabbed her daughters hand and squeezed it. "He had tied me up. I was hung up by my hands. He...he filmed it all. He made me answer questions about my life."

Kate frowned. "What kind of questions?"

Tears began pouring from Maddison's eyes.

The mother looked at her daughter with panicked eyes and then to Kate. "Do we have to talk about this detectives?"

"We know how painful this is, but we the more information we can get, the faster we can catch him." Kate explained.

Maddison nodded slowly and wiped tears away from her cheeks. "He asked me questions about my father. My father hit me before my parents got divorced."

Kate's chest tightened. Flashes of fists coming at her face, of ropes wrapped around her neck, and knives covered in blood filled her vision. Her head felt light. Carisi saw Kate pause and rub her eyes.

"How did you get away?" Carisi asked.

"I didn't. He..." She paused. "He knocked me out again, and when I woke up I was in an alleyway somewhere."

"Did he have any distinguishing marks or tattoos?"

"Umm…" She closed her eyes. "A… I think it was an eagle on his ribs."

The detectives asked a few more questions, and set up a session with a sketch artist that afternoon.

Later that day, the team sat in the squad room. Kate was searching through decades of police reports and cases, trying to find something similar. She was typing in terms such as 'rope', 'filming', and 'building site'. She combed through the New York state records. In the long list of unrelated cases, a police report caught her eye. She read through it, scribbled down the reference number and the details, and continued her search.

"Guys!" Kate yelled, twenty minutes later. "I've got something."

The team gathered around the television.

"This police report from 2001 talks about a girl that was hung from the ceiling in an abandoned train station and raped." Kate explained. "No DNA. I've looked everywhere, and couldn't find any attempt at prosecution, or a reason why the case wasn't taken to court."

"2001." Benson said. "A lot of the reports from around then are half on the system, half wrapped up in boxes in precincts basements."

Kate continued. "2003. A sixteen year old girl goes missing from her home and turns up thirty six hours later. She tells police that she was tied up, raped, and videoed by a man in all white. The police couldn't find any leads. Three months later, the girl killed herself, so it just got buried."

Kate pressed the remote and another police report came up. "2010. A fourteen year old girl in treatment for schizophrenia reported to her psychiatrist that she had been taken from her room, tied up in the basement, videoed and raped, but the police said it was impossible for them to investigate as they weren't even sure this happened."

"So this perp has been active for over fifteen years, hasn't been caught, and hasn't left DNA behind? That's pretty unlikely." Carisi chimed in.

"Guys," Olivia interrupted. "We've had rapists active for twenty, sometimes thirty years, who haven't been caught."

"Is there anything that ties the victims together?" Nick said.

"From what I can see, no." Kate glanced at her messy handwriting. "Two were white, one Latino, one mixed race. From different parts of town. Different schools. The only commonality is they are all under 18."

"Okay, this perp is specific. He has stuck to the same M.O. for over a decade." Olivia said, using sharp hand gestures as she talked. "He hasn't changed. There has to be something that connects the victims. Finn and Rollins, go talk to any of the victims from the past. Get them to give new statements. Carisi, you've got ties all over the city. See if you can get the evidence and original statements. Kate and Amaro, find a connection."

* * *

Barba came into an almost empty squad room at ten P.M. Kate and Nick were hunched over their computers, a pile of manila folders creating a barrier between them. An equally tall pile of coffee cups had developed on either side of their desks.

"There is this new apparatus called a trash can." Barba said, knocking two of the coffee cups from the desktop into the bin below.

Kate clicked her pen and leant back to look at Barba. "Some of us don't have twelve different assistants to help us out."

Nick chuckled.

Benson walked back into the squad room with another pile of folders. "Barba. Didn't expect to see you here."

"Well, I come bearing good news. The Grandoni case is officially closed." He took a seat in Rollin's empty chair, and put his feet up on the desk. "The Lancer video was enough to stop their misconduct defence. Plead it down to murder 2. She'll serve fifteen years."

"Thanks to Kate." Nick said with pursed lips.

Barba put his hands behind his head and lent back. "Yes. Thanks to Kate. Now, I feel like a drink to celebrate. Anyone up for one?"

Kate and Nick looked at Olivia like kids looking at their mother for permission. Olivia rolled her eyes. "Fine."

Amaro, Benson, Kate and Barba piled into a cab. Benson told the cab driver to go to a bar Kate had never heard of. Carisi and Rollin's met them out the front of a run-down place painted with peeling red and greens. A sign flashed over the door reading "Franks". As everyone entered, Kate could tell the team were well known there. The bartender threw up his hands. "Olivia! Welcome back!"

A smile spread across Olivia's face. "Hey, Frank,"

"Come, come! Best table in the house for the best team in New York!" Frank led them over to a booth in the back.

Kate ended up squeezed in between Nick and Barba.

"What can I get everyone?"

They went around the table ordering. Beer was the number one choice, but when it was Kate's turn to order, she felt like something a little stronger after a day reading through rape victim reports. "Bourbon."

Barba gave her a sly smile. "A woman after my own heart. The same."

Once the drinks were on the table, everyone began to loosen up. They were all laughing and telling stories. Olivia was the first to leave, followed by Rollins and Amaro. Carisi, Barba and Kate spread out in the large booth.

"There's something going on with those two. I could bet you a year in wages." Carisi said, nodding his head towards Nick and Amanda leaving the bar.

"You wouldn't be betting much then." Kate joked.

The three of them laughed.

"How's law school going, Carisi?" Barba asked smugly.

"You're in law school?" Kate asked.

"Night classes." Carisi said. "Mr. I-went-to-Harvard over here thinks that that's not good enough."

Barba stayed silent, sipping his bourbon.

"Hey, law school is law school. It's not about where you go, but how good you are." Kate said. Carisi's face lit up. It was if he had never had someone have faith in him. "I went to Yale Law, and I would _never_ represent someone in court."

Barba face showed a mixture of shock, surprise and confusion. "You went to Harvard law?"

"Sure did. Gradated the top of my class."

"How did you end up here?" Barba asked.

"Detective's know what's right and wrong. We operate on the morally right side of the line. We are allowed to do that. But lawyers…" Barba was so ready to hear the normal 'all lawyers are morally corrupt' spiel. "Lawyers have it tough."

Both Barba and Carisi's eyes widened.

"Sometimes they know something is wrong but they've got to work how the law does. I could never do that."

Barba had never met a detective who understood this. "You're full of surprises."

Kate chuckled. "Is that good or bad?"

Barba raised an eyebrow and sipped from his glass. "It's been good so far."

Kate couldn't help but smile. Maybe Barba wasn't so bad.


	3. Broken

Two days, three interviews, and many cups of coffee later, the team was no closer to finding a link between the victims or to the perp. The interviews of the previous victims resulted in nothing new. The only description all three victims could give was of the eagle tattoo on the perps ribs. Every one of them had given a depiction of his face that could have matched millions of men: brown hair, brown eyes, medium height and weight.

Barba had been in and out of the squad room, pestering them on the case. Now that a new victim had come forward, the previous victims were calling him non-stop asking if they were going to get justice.

The A.D.A had just come in for a third time in twenty four hours when Nick's eyebrows shot up, and he jumped from his seat.

"The victim that killed herself… Marie Bart…you said she was institutionalised? Where?"

Kate scanned her eyes down her notepad until she found the hospitals name. "Handon Private Hospital."

"Annabeth Greyson and Grace Rodriguez were both in treatment there prior to their rapes."

"What?!" Carisi said, running over to Nick's desk and staring at his computer. "How did we miss that?"

"The hospital changed its name when it was privatised in 2005," explained Nick. "Annabeth was admitted for depression, and Grace for symptoms of dissociative identity disorder."

"What about Maddison?" Kate asked.

Nick typed a few words into his keyboard. "Admitted one month ago for a two week stay for PTSD."

Kate flinched at the mention of the illness.

"So, what? The perp works there?" Finn questioned.

"I wonder how many staff members have been there for sixteen years," Amanda chimed in.

"Let's find out," Nick said, pulling on his jacket. "Walker, Carisi, you in?"

Kate nodded and grabbed her gun out of her desk draw.

* * *

Handon Private Hospital was a colossal structure built on a small section of land. The thirty story building still retained its grey brick exterior from many years ago. Bars guarded the windows, and there was the smallest patch of green grass behind the fence. In all, it looked bleak and depressing.

The three detectives were buzzed in and met at the front door by a woman whom looked like a school teacher. She offered each of them her hands.

"Welcome to Handon Private Hospital. I am Doctor Francine Handon, the operator of this establishment." She led them into her office.

As they were walking the corridors, Kate saw one of the orderlies. She elbowed Carisi. "Didn't one of the victims say they were attacked by a man in white?" Carisi glanced back at the crisp, white uniform of the nurse.

As the three detectives sat down in the office, Doctor Handon began to talk. "What can I help you with today?"

It had been agreed in the squad car that Nick would take the lead on the questioning. "Doctor Handon, we just have a few questions about some of your patients. A number of them have been sexually assaulted."

The woman pursed her lips. "The mentally challenged are often victims of crime."

"Do you remember these four girls?" Nick held out the pictures of the victims.

She pointed to Marie Bart first. "I remember Marie. Poor thing committed suicide here a few years ago." Her finger then laid on Maddison. "She was here a two or so weeks ago. The other two girls…I'm sorry, but we get hundreds of people passing through here every year." She handed the photos back.

"Have you had any complaints of staff being inappropriate with patients?"

She sighed. "Well, all hospitals have complaints, and with patients that sometimes don't even know what their name let alone whether or not they have actually been assaulted, we have our share."

Kate felt a strong dislike growing within her.

"Do you report the complaints to the police?" asked Nick.

"You have to understand that we have very well-trained, respectable and loyal staff members. If there was a complaint that I believed to be credible, I would pass it on to the police."

In a strong, stern voice, Kate interrupted the interview. "When patients come here, you assume temporary guardianship. If a patient under eighteen reports a crime, it your legal obligation to inform the police."

"Excuse me," The doctor rose defensively from her seat. "This hospital vets all of its staff. Many of these men and women have worked for this establishment for over a decade. I am not about to put the word of a mentally unstable person over one of my employees."

Kate rose to match the woman's defensive posture.

Nick saw the fire in Kate's eyes and tried to warn her to settle down. "Detective Walker, I think you should…"

But it was too late, Kate was lecturing the woman."Your employees are not above the law. You are not above the law. Your patients are still people."

"I think you should leave my establishment."

Kate clenched her jaw. She wanted to say so much more to this woman. Instead, she turned and powered to the door. Carisi and Amaro followed her.

As Kate opened the door, Doctor Handon picked up the phone. "I'll be having a word with your Captain, I hope you know."

Kate glared at her. "And I'll be having a word with the medical board."

* * *

Amaro and Carisi sat in Olivia's office thirty minutes after they had been removed from the hospital. Kate paced back and forth along the length of the room, still fuming. Barba walked into the office and closed the door.

"What have we done this time, kids?" He said in his normal, sassy tone. His brow creased as he saw Kate's frantic marching. "What's wrong with her?"

"The interview at Handon didn't go well," said Carisi. "Kate had a few…differences with the owner."

"She shouldn't be running that place!" Kate exploded. "She doesn't even think of her patients as people! She doesn't even see them as human!"

Olivia stood and laid a hand on Kate's shoulder, halting her pacing. "Walker, calm down."

Barba let out a frustrated sigh. "Did you get anything from her before human rights warrior over there stepped in?"

Kate rolled her eyes at him angrily.

"They have had complaints in the past, and a lot of the staff have been there long enough to fit the time period that the perp has been active," Nick explained. "I don't think she would have been any help even if Kate hadn't said what she said. You could tell she had her lawyer on speed dial."

Kate gave Nick a grateful look.

"Okay. That should be enough for a subpoena of their employment records. I'll talk to the judge tonight," Barba turned to Kate. "Can I have a word?"

The two of them walked out of the office and into the breakroom. Kate was prepared for a lecture from the A.D.A. about her behaviour. She sat at the table and clamped her hands on her thighs.

"Was this woman breaking any laws?" asked Barba, leaning down so that their faces where at the same level.

Kate nodded. "She was failing to report suspected crimes committed against people she had assumed guardianship of."

"And you are sure of this?"

"She told us that she chose not disclose complaints to police to protect her employees."

Barba straightened up. "Okay. I have friends on the medical board. I'll let them know. In the meantime, I'll launch a negligence case against Handon."

Kate's eyes widened and her eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

"I trust your judgement, Walker," Barba put a hand on her shoulder. "I would trust anyone who graduated from Yale Law…even though its not Harvard."

Kate smiled.


	4. Pain

Barba came through with his promise. The records from Handon were in the SVU squad room in under twenty four hours. He had served a notice to Mistress Handon that he was launching a criminal negligence case, and advised the victims to be prepared to testify.

While Barba had been working his magic, Kate and the rest of the team had been scouring through years of records. The disgruntled owner of Handon hadn't made it easy for them. She had given them all employee files, stretching all the way back to the seventies in a mess. Nothing was organised. This meant the team had to go through over three hundred employment folders and separate out those who had worked there since the first reported attack.

Finally, they had divided the files. Twelve male employees were possible suspects. Each of them had been employed since the first assault.

"Well, she did say her staff were loyal," Nick reminded the team as they looked at the twelve possibilities on the desk.

"Twelve employees…" Olivia mulled. "How can we narrow this down?"

"Hopefully only one will have an eagle tattoo," Amanda offered.

Barba grimaced. "There's no way I can get a warrant for twelve strip searches. I might as well set the constitution on fire."

"Eight of them could fit the victim's descriptions too," Olivia said.

"Eight is still too many." Barba walked from the room without even a goodbye.

* * *

"Okay, these are the last two on the list," Carisi said pointing to the two orderlies at the end of the hall. They had spent the day interviewing the twelve Handon employees who fit the profile. "One on the left is Damien Bradley, and the other is Graham Park."

Kate nodded and put on the fakest smile she could manage. "Hey fellas,"

The two men looked towards her. Their faces pulled into obnoxious smirks.

Graham Park winked at her. "Hey darling,"

Kate flicked open her jacket to reveal her badge that was latched to her belt. "Detective Walker. This is my partner Detective Carisi. We just have a few questions for you."

The two men nodded, and Carisi began the questioning. "Mr Bradley, you've been employed here since 1999 and Mr Park, you've been here since 1995? That's a long time to work for a hospital."

"Good pay and good benefits," said Park. "I've kept this job through everything. They even kept us on after the hospital went private."

"Have you heard of complaints about any of your staff members before?" Kate asked.

Damien Bradley laughed. "You're kidding, right? There's a new complaint every week. None of them are true."

Kate wanted to roll her eyes. "Right…"

"Can we walk and talk? We just finished a ten hour shift." Mister Park said.

The two detectives and two suspects walked together down the white hall.

"Have you seen anyone or anything suspicious in you time working here?" asked Kate.

"We work in a psychiatric hospital. I've seen patients threaten to stab other patients because they thought they were a CIA agent or aliens were watching them." Damien Bradley said as he pushed through doors labelled 'staff only'.

Before Kate could ask her next question, Graham Park stopped walking and faced them. "This hospitals a good place to work. All the staff are here because they want to help. You're looking in the wrong direction detectives."

With that, the two men strolled into the men's locker room.

When they were out of ear shot, Carisi looked to Kate. "That was a bust."

"You got that right,"

As they turned to leave, another orderly finishing his shift walked past them. The two detectives watched as he pulled off his shirt while still in the hallway and threw it into the large laundry bin at the end of the hall.

The cogs in Kate's mind began turning. Her eyes examined the rest of the hallway, until she found exactly what she was looking for.

* * *

Barba's office looked exactly like Kate imagined. Books wider than her hand lining large oak shelves, a grand wooden desk in front of a fire place, and brown leather chairs that probably cost more than her yearly salary. His receptionist, a small woman named Judy that was completely disinterested in polite conversation, had told her to wait in Barba's office until he got back from court.

After ten minutes of playing 'try to pronounce the Latin title of the book' in her head, Barba came in holding his briefcase and three packed folders. When he saw her, he nodded. She swore she saw a hint of a smile. "Kate. Judy said you were hear about the rape case."

"I was just wondering about the legality of a few ideas I had."

This time Barba smiled clearly. "Testing the waters, are we?"

"Well, we know our rapist has an eagle tattoo on his ribs, and he works at Handon Private Hospital. This hospital has a locker room."

"You're not proposing I try to get a warrant for a locker room, are you? Because if you are then you are not as intelligent as I thought you were. "

"No. Well, not really." She furrowed her brows as she tried to explain what she was thinking. "Hypothetically, if the staff members had a locker room where they could change, could we use the surveillance from the areas surrounding the locker room door?"

Barba lent against his desk in from of her. "Hypothetically, what are you suggesting?"

"Well, obviously any cameras inside the locker room would be illegal to have. Hypothetically, however, what if there was a camera in the hall? And, what if the laundry bin is located within this scope, and many men take off their shirts at this point to throw them in said laundry bin."

Barba nodded. "Hypothetically, it would be perfectly reasonable for me to request a warrant to gain access to these cameras."

Kate's face lit up. "Then it doesn't need to be hypothetical anymore."

The black phone on Barba's desk began to vibrate. With a push of a button, he held it to his ear and said in one stern word: "Barba."

Kate looked down and tried to busy herself. She didn't want to make it appear like she was listening in on the conversation.

"Yes. Yes. She's what? No. That can't be possible. My mother is in perfect health."

Kate's head flung up. Barba's face had transformed from a stern, cocky lawyer into a worried child within seconds.

"Yes. Yes. I understand. I'm coming now." He lowered his phone and rushed to pick up his coat. "I'm sorry to cut our meeting short, Kate. My mother has just been taken to hospital. I've got to get to St. Bartholomew's."

"That's clear across town, and its peak hour." Kate grabbed her keys. "I'll drive you. We'll use the sirens."

* * *

Barba powered along the hallways of St. Bart's looking for the emergency ward. Kate hurried behind him. Although she thought it would be best for her to leave, Barba told her to come in with him. Together, they reached the receptionist desk.

"Lucia Barba."

The nurse picked up a clipboard. He eyes scanned down it until she found the name. "I'll page her doctor."

A moment later, a tall doctor appeared and shook both of their hands. He offered both of them to take a seat in one of the many plastic chairs of the waiting room. He sat opposite them.

"Mister Barba, your mother suffered cardiac arrest. We were able to restart her heart, but upon doing so we discovered that her heart beats were irregular. After some testing, it has come to light that she had two blocked arteries."

Barba rubbed his temples. "What does that mean? Does she have to have surgery?

"Yes. We want to do open-heart surgery on her tonight."

"Jesus Christ."

"The risks are very minimal. We want to get started as soon as possible."

Barba nodded. Kate watched as he seemed to swallow his emotions.

The doctor stood. "You can see her before surgery. Follow me."

Barba solemnly trailed the doctor out of the waiting room.

Kate knew she could have gone home, but something held her in that waiting room. She had only know Barba for a few weeks, but she somehow knew she had to stay. Ten minutes later, he came back and sat next to her without a word. His long, delicate fingers rubbed the sides of his temples.

They sat in silence for half an hour before Barba spoke. "You don't have to stay, Kate. I'm sure you've got better things to do than wait here."

"Do you want to be alone?"

Barba didn't answer for a moment, then his green eyes met hers. "No. I don't."

She didn't know what came over her, but her hand grabbed his. Panic filled her, worrying that she had stepped over the line. His hand welcomed hers. His rough fingers laced into hers. Barba gently rubbed Kate's hand with his thumb, tracing an indistinguishable pattern onto her skin. Kate watched his face. It was sad and angry, but as he stroked her hand, it softened.

An hour passed, and then another. Kate and Barba remained in the waiting room, unmoving, hand in hand. It was nearing ten o'clock when the doctor emerged from surgery. Barba shot up. Kate followed close behind.

"It went fantastically. All blockages cleared."

Barba put a hand on his forehead and breathed a sharp exhale. "Gracias a Dios." Barba slipped back into Spanish for a moment in his relief.

"She'll be out for at least ten hours. I recommend going home, getting something to eat, and coming back tomorrow at seven." The doctor instructed.

Barba shook the doctor's hand. "Thank you. Thank you."

The doctor nodded at the two of them. "You and your wife must be very happy."

Before Kate had the chance to correct him, the doctor turned away.

Barba sat down, resting prayer-like hands on his lips.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Kate offered, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder.

Barba nodded. "Yes. I suppose I should get some sleep."

There was something in his voice that lead Kate to believe he didn't want to go home. "There's a really good bar I know down the road. They do great burgers too. Want to grab a drink?"

He turned his head to her and nodded slowly. "I need a drink."

* * *

'El Lugar' was a small Spanish bar Kate had visited numerous times since she had come to New York. With cheap drinks, great burgers, and waiters that always knew when to chat and when to leave you alone, it was her favourite place to go.

As Barba and Kate stood out the front of it, Barba half-heartedly smiled at the sign. "El Lugar. It's called 'The Place'?"

"Hey, I said the burgers were good, not the name."

"It's under a hotel."

"It's not under a hotel," Kate said, holding open the door for him. "It's part of the hotel."

"It looks like a place where dreams go to die."

Kate smiled. Even in tragedy, Barba was still being his typical self. "Well it's got six dollar spirits, and food. You can come in here and eat, or walk twelve blocks to a French restaurant by yourself."

Barba liked that she wasn't treating him like a wounded animal, rather she was just being there for him. He walked inside. Kate led him to a booth at the back. The waiter rushed over to them, glad to have customers. He took their order and rushed back into the kitchen.

Kate rested her elbows on the table. "Is there anyone you need to call?"

Barba talked without looking at her. "I'm an only child, and I wouldn't call my father even if he was alive."

Kate frowned. "Bad blood between you too?"

The drinks came to the table and he took a gulp of his bourbon before answering. "My father was not a good man. Not to me. Not to my mother."

The tone of his voice told Kate that it was a very sensitive topic. She decided to drop it then and there. Her brain scoured itself for a way to change the topic, so they weren't just sitting in silence.

Before she could talk, Barba let out a long sigh. "Mamasita is the only family I have left in this world."

Kate couldn't help but think of her mother. It had been fifteen years since she had seen her. Although she tried to remember her as the baking, smiling woman she was, all Kate could see in the back of her mind was her screaming voice disowning her.

"Do you have much family around here?" Barba asked.

"I don't have much family full stop," Kate could see him expecting more of an answer. "I'm an only child and an orphan," she lied through her teeth.

"Sometimes I think it would be easier,"

Two large burgers were placed in front of them. They dived into them like hungry savages.

"Can I ask you something?" questioned Barba.

Kate nodded.

"What do you do on holidays? Thanksgiving? Christmas?"

She looked at her burger as she tried to put what she wanted to say in logical sentences. "You end up having friends that are just like family. Back in DC, I had two friends who I spent the holidays with."

"I can't imagine a Thanksgiving without my mother."

"It's not Thanksgiving like you remember as a child. It's fun and festive for the meal and the parade, and then you go home…" She sighed. "And you realise that you're alone." She had no idea why she was telling the A.D.A this. The words just spilled from her mouth. "You wonder if the holidays are ever going to feel like they used to. And just as quickly as you think this, they're over and you can get on with your life."

Barba stared at his burger, and nodded without meeting Kate's eyes. A flash of worry flew through Kate, panicking that she had said the wrong thing to him.

"But you're not going to have to worry about that for many, many years," Kate said, attempting to lift his spirits.

A sad smile appeared on Barba's face.


	5. Evil

"Have you heard from Barba?" Carisi asked Kate as they entered the squad room. "It's weird for him not to be checking in on us all the time, right?"

Kate didn't know if she should tell him about Barba's mother. It wasn't her news to tell. It had been two days since she had been at the hospital with him, and there was a constant need inside of her that wanted to call and see if he was okay. Every time she picked up her phone however, her mind told her it was wrong.

"It is odd," said Kate, unconvincingly. She cleared her throat, panicking that Carisi would sense she knew more. "I mean, normally he's got his suspenders so twisted that he cant leave us alone for an hour."

Carisi chuckled. He saw Olivia walk into the squad room from her office.

"Morning, Boss." he said. "What's the go with Barba?"

"I called his office this morning. Family emergency."

Kate grimaced. She wondered what the recovery time was for open heart surgery, and made a mental note to google it later on.

"But, Barba did manage to get the warrant for Handon," continued Olivia. "Finn and Rollins should be back any second with the security tapes from the last six months."

"Boo-yah!" Carisi exclaimed, raising his hand for a high-five.

Kate rolled her eyes, and clapped her hand against his.

* * *

Finn and Rollins came back to the office with forty disks worth of footage, three bags of popcorn and a coffee for everyone. Each detective took eight disks and settled down at their computer for a long day.

The black and white footage was grainy. Most of it was just the boring, empty hall with a laundry bin pushed against a wall. Every now and again, an employee would enter, peel off their shirt, toss it in the bin, and go into the locker room.

Two disks in, Kate's eyes examined the torso of a middle-aged man as he took off his uniform. The grainy footage didn't allow for much detail, but there was clearly a tattoo on his ribs. She took a screen grab of his ribs and face.

"Guys!" Kate yelled. "Look for this employee. See if you can get a better angle of his ribs." She held up her laptop computer for the squad to see. Each of them nodded, and went back to examining the footage.

"Got him!" Rollins hollered. The team ran over to her computer. On her screen was clear image of his face and a discernible tattoo of a bird could be seen on his ribs. "I looked at the employee records. Damien Bradley, forty five. Worked at Handon since 1999."

"We got our perp," Finn nodded.

"I'll call Barba." Rollins said.

"He's out today," Kate reminded her.

Olivia rubbed her forehead, and sighed. "This is an emergency. Call him anyway."

* * *

Kate barely recognised Barba without a suit and tie. He came into the squad room wearing casual black pants and grey, woollen sweater. He didn't bother to say hello, or even announce his arrival, but hen his eyes met Kate's, they gave each other a short nod. He simply walked up to Oliva and handed her a folded piece of paper.

"Arrest warrant." The proud, cocky strength in his voice wasn't present in that moment.

"Alright, Finn and Rollins, you go get him," Olivia said. Her eyes skated over to Kate and she gave her a sly smile. "Walker, you go too. Show Doctor Handon who she's dealing with."

Kate's smirked. "This is going to give me so much pleasure."

Finn stood from his desk. "I'll bring the car around."

As Finn left, Carisi put his feet up on his desk and stared at Barba. "Where have you been, Barba? I didn't realise you had a family. I thought you just kind of…hatched."

"Carisi!" Kate scolded.

Barba couldn't even find the strength in his body to retort to Carisi. He just shook his head, and walked into the break room.

Kate stood from her desk and hurried after him. With a stiff hand, she whacked the back of Carisi's head on her way past. "How about you use your two IQ points, rub them together and start a fire? That way when I roast your ass later on, I don't have to wait."

When she went into the breakroom, the hunched form of a man leaned against the table, his head resting in his right hand.

Kate leant next to him. "Carisi's an idiot."

He let out a single, exasperated laugh. "I've known that since the day I've met him."

Kate tried to peek beneath the hand that covered his face. "How's your mother?"

"Better, but not great. She'll never be able to go back to work again."

Kate wanted desperately to intertwine her fingers in his like they had in the hospital. Kate wasn't sure if she wanted to do this because she was his friend, or if there was something more there. In the back of her mind, a little voice told her that she was seeing a side of Barba not many people got to see.

"Thank you, by the way," Barba said.

Kate was confused. "For what?"

His hand finally came away from his face, and his eyes met hers. "For not telling the team about my mother."

Kate didn't know what to say to him. Instead, she placed a hand on his shoulder.

At that moment, Rollins came into the breakroom. "Kate. We're good to go."

* * *

Kate strut into Handon Private Hospital with a smug grin still on her face. "This is going to be fun."

Finn and Rollins smiled at each other.

The three detectives walked to the reception desk.

"Damien Bradley. Where is he?" Kate said to the secretary in a no-nonsense tone.

The woman behind the desk scrambled to pick up the phone. "I'll have to call Doctor Handon,"

In a speedy move, Kate reached over the desk and pressed her finger to the 'end' button. "We've got a warrant. We don't need your boss. We need Damien Bradley."

The woman blinked at her a few times and grimaced. "He's in the recreation room."

Kate powered along the hall with the two detectives in tow.

"Detective Walker!" The familiar voice of Doctor Handon screamed at her from the left. The doctor hurried to Kate's side. "I believe I requested that you stay away from my establishment."

Kate didn't halt her strut towards Bradley's location. "Don't worry, Doc. This is just a quick visit. I won't even be here long enough to suffer from your negligence."

The doctor huffed.

Damien Bradley stood in the recreation room tidying the tables. As soon as Kate laid eyes on him, her smirk widened.

"Damien Bradley!" She announced.

He turned around calmly. "What is this about?"

Kate clamped one hand on his shoulder and spun him around with force. "You are under arrest." Being as rough as she could, she slammed the handcuffs onto his wrists. He barely flinched.

"Don't say anything, Damien!" Handon yelled.

Kate pushed him forward. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney." She guided him from the hospital to the squad car. "If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?"

He spun around to face her with a small grin. "I most certainly do, Detective. And, oh my, is this going to be fun."

The smirk on Kate's face was replaced with confusion and disgust. She pushed him to the car and slammed the door shut.

* * *

Damien Bradley sat with a smug look on his face in the interrogation room. Barba, Kate and Olivia stood outside staring at him through the glass.

"Try to get a confession." Barba said.

Oliva turned to Kate. "You're the one that arrested him. You should take the first swing."

Kate nodded. She took his file from the desk in front of her and went into the interrogation room.

The perp's eyes followed her like a lion stalking its next meal. Kate took a seat across from him. When she met his eyes she realised that he was intrigued by her. Stern faced, she decided she wouldn't say the first word. They sat in silence for minutes, just staring at each other like children in a competition.

"Is this an intimidation technique?" Damien asked.

As soon as he cracked the sheet of silence, Kate knew she had a base to begin her interrogation. "I don't need to intimidate you. I don't even need to interview you. We've got all we need to make a case without me talking to you."

His dark eyes looked her up and down. "Oh, really?"

"The girls identified your tattoo."

"My eagle tattoo? I got that design from one of the paintings in the hospital. And those girls," He leaned forward, lacing his fingers together on the desk. "Those girls are a tad insane. The mind can do strange things. It's very possible that they just saw the poster in the hospital."

Kate's lips were pursed and an unimpressed look on her face.

Damien lifted on side of his mouth in a cocky half smile. "You'd be surprised what these girls will say. I've worked there for twenty years. I've seen girls do all sorts of things."

"See, one girl might have remembered the painting, but three of them?" Kate raised her eyebrows at him

He just grinned. "Those girls are just confused. Women like that can't be trusted. No one is going to believe them."

"Why not?"

Damien leaned back and put his feet up on the table. "You see...I read about that girl that was attacked this week in the papers. Heard she was a domestic violence victim that had developed PTSD. That little girl…" He clicked his tongue. "Now, she'd be fragile. Broken."

Kate felt the current of panic begin to flow in her body, and she knew that if she didn't calm down, the tidal wave of a panic attack would crash onto her. She swallowed and forced herself not to look away from him.

"She probably doesn't trust men. Or maybe she likes men a little too much, if you know what I mean." He winked at her.

"She's twelve."

"Oh, but that's the thing. Girls who have been through that grow up a lot quicker. They become women in half the time a normal girl would."

Kate's stomach was turning upside down inside of her. Every time she blinked, there was a flash of a bloody knife. The air around her felt thin. It was if the rope was wrapping around her neck once again.

Damien noticed the wince in Kate's eyes, and her chest moving slightly quicker. He knew he was getting to her. "People think just because a woman has mental illness, it doesn't make her a person. But the truth is, she feels just as good as any other woman."

Kate remembered the slice of the knife against her stomach. It felt so real she thought she was back in that basement again being calved up. She launched out of seat, and pushed out of the room.

She didn't know if she was going to pass out, throw up, or scream. Instead, she just ran. She ran past Barba and Olivia, leaving the interrogation door wide open.

Barba watched as she ran frantically towards the fire exit door. As she disappeared in the stairwell, Olivia and Barba looked at each other. The concern in Olivia's eyes was worry for her team mate, but the concern in Barba's eyes was different. He felt worry, pain and sadness for this girl he had only known for a few weeks.

Olivia closed the interrogation door and went to run after Kate. Barba held a hand up. "I've talked to her quite a bit recently. I'll go."

Barba ventured onto the fire stairs. He looked up and down the stairwell. A few levels below him, Kate sat leaning against the concrete wall. He made his way down to her and paused three steps from where she sat.

"Can I sit?"

Kate looked up at him and nodded.

He sat close to her, and let out a sigh. "Thank god you didn't go to the roof. I haven't ran up stairs since my thirties."

Kate couldn't help but smile.

Barba leaned his face closer to her in an attempt to get her to look at him. "Are you okay?"

Her head bobbed in a nod. "I don't know what happened in there. He just got to me."

She turned to face him. Her brown eyes met his shining green irises. Barba felt the need to pull her toward him and make everything okay. But before he could do that, she had already closed the gap between them. She delicately placed her lips on his. He returned the kiss. Kate had imagined herself kissing him before but she never imagined it like this. It was calm, gentle and tender, as if he was allowing her time to pull away. The kiss felt right. It was if everything time she had ever seen him had been rehearsal for that moment.

The kiss broke. Kate instantly turned away from him. "I'm sorry, Barba. That was completely unprofessional."

A grin suddenly appeared on Barba's face. "I think you should call me Rafael from now on."

Kate glanced at him. A little chuckle escaped her lips.

The opening of the door above them snapped them from the moment.

"Kate? Are you okay?" Olivia's voice echoed in the narrow staircase.

Rafael and Kate nodded to each other, stood, and began climbing the steps.


	6. Bias

Kate breathed deeply, her nose almost touching the black coffee in her cup. She sat on the uncomfortable wooden seats in the state courthouse. In her years as a victim's aid and a cop, she had testified more times than she could count, but there was something in the back of her mind that told her that this case was different.

"Kate?" The familiar voice said from her left.

Olivia slid in beside her. "Are you okay?"

Kate nodded. "I just want this guy behind bars."

Olivia's wise and knowing eyes met hers. "He will. Or Barba will have hell to pay."

* * *

Kate sat in the court room, watching as Annabeth Greyson took the stand. Every time she looked in the direction of Damien Bradley, her stomach flipped with hatred.

"Thank you for being here, Annabeth" said Barba, leaning against the witness box. "Could you tell the court what happened to you on the night of September second in 2001?"

She took a deep breath. "I was walking home from the subway station when I was grabbed and taken into an alley way. He knocked me out with what I believe to be chloroform, and when I woke up, I had been hung up by my hands." She crossed her wrists above her head in demonstration.

"Do you see this man today?"

A determined look appeared on her face. "Yes. It was Damien Bradley."

"Could you tell me what he did to you?"

Her eyes dropped to her fidgeting hands. "He stripped me down to my underwear, and told me I was being filmed. He... he said he wanted me to talk about my depression."

"Can you elaborate?" Barba talked softly and calmly.

"He asked me how it all started, how I dealt with it. Every time I told him something, he would get more and more excited."

"Objection!" The defence counsellor yelled. "She cannot know how the defendant felt."

"Sustained." The judge ordered.

Barba's face pondered for a moment. "Miss Greyson, how did the defendant appear to you when you told him about your illness?"

"To me, it appeared that he got enjoyment out of hearing about my depression," A single tear dropped from her face. She wiped it away in a flash as if she was afraid to show weakness.

"After this, what did the defendant do?"

Annabeth's eyes looked into the heavens for a moment as she took a deep breath. "He cut my underwear off… and raped me." Her face was covered in pain. "I could feel him inside me, and I couldn't do anything about it. After he was done with me, he drugged me again."

Barba took a moment to allow Annabeth to pull herself together. "Did the defendant have any distinguishing marks?"

"He had a tattoo on his ribs of a bird."

Barba walked to his desk and collected the television remote. With one click, the court TV lit up with a picture of the tattoo.

"People's exhibit twenty three," He turned to face the jury. "An eagle tattoo located on the defendants ribs. Is this the tattoo you saw on his ribs?"

"Yes."

With a lingering look at the jury, Barba took a seat. "Your witness, Harris."

The defence attorney was Patricia Harris. Kate had been cross examined by her before. She was tough, smart, and intuitive.

Harris remained seated for the first part of her cross examination. "Annabeth, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. It was unfair and disgusting."

Kate bit her lip. This nice act was leading to something bad.

"You told the court a moment ago that you had depression in 2001, correct?"

"Yes."

"Your depression got so bad that you were admitted to New York Public Hospital for Mental Illness, now Handon Private Hospital. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever write about or talk to anyone about your depression outside of the hospital?"

Annabeth frowned. "I…I'm not sure."

"A lot of depression suffers turn to writing or art. Did you ever write or paint?"

"I wrote a blog."

A devilish grin appeared on Harris's face. "Indeed you did. Defence exhibit twenty one: an entry from Annabeth Greyson's blog on the third of August 2001."

Barba rested his head in one of his hands. This was not good.

"Could you please read the highlighted section?"

Annabeth paused for a moment and then began to read. "I don't even know what is real anymore. I've lost contact with reality. I see my friend's faces and I know we have a connection, but it feels like a distant memory."

"You said you didn't even know what was real; that you failed to recognise the significance of faces. Is it possible you did the same with my client? Did you fail to recognise his face?"

"No!" Annabeth yelled. "He raped me!"

"Did he?"

Annabeth broke down. "Yes!" she screamed through tearful breaths.

"Or was he just an employee in the hospital? Did your ill mind simply remember his face?"

"No!"

"Miss Greyson, were you on any medication at the time of the rape?"

"That was fifteen years ago. I can't remember."

Kate inhaled sharply. Barba bit the inside of his cheek.

Harris walked up close to Annabeth, and in a soft, calm voice said, "You can't remember your medication, but at a time when nothing was real, you remember my client raping you?"

Annabeth cast her eyes down from the attorney.

The cross-examinations of the other two victims, Grace and Maddison, made Kate think they had a chance of winning. Despite Harris's plight to show the girls as unreliable, Barba pushed back. He brought up the tattoo every time, re-enforcing the inability for three victims to remember this specific detail. He used Maddison's more recent testimony in an attempt to undo to damage caused by the shaky, fifteen year old story Annabeth had told. Once the victims were done, the psychiatrist, Doctor George Wong, took the stand.

"Doctor, do you believe that some suffers of mental illness can construct events in their mind?" asked Barba.

"It is very possible, yes." Wong replied.

"Is this usually the case with depression, dissociative identity disorder and PTSD?"

"No," Wong shook his head. "Construction of events usually takes place when the sufferer has schizophrenia, for example."

"Can these mental illnesses result in the clouding of details?"

"Yes, but from examining their case files and speaking to the most recent victim, I do not believe that this has occurred."

"As you said, you spoke with Maddison Davies, the most recent victim. In you professional opinion, do you believe that she was in a sound mental state?"

Wong looked towards the jury. "PTSD is very misunderstood. Most people see it as a catatonic state or the occurrence of vivid flashbacks due to trauma. Most people picture damage soldiers back from a warzone. The truth is, many people live with mild forms of PTSD. I believe Maddison to be a healthy girl, who is very aware of her surroundings, and whom is well on her way to recovery."

"Thank you, Doctor Wong." Barba sat at his table. "Your witness."

Harris stood, but instead of beginning the interrogation, she turned to the judge. "I have no questions for this witness, your honour. I will be calling my own psychiatrist. I call Doctor Francine Handon."

The rage that filled Kate was strong and ran through her veins. Her body tensed as if she was about to be thrown into fight.

"Your honour, objection." Barba scoffed. The judge called both attorneys to her bench.

"The D.A's office has a criminal negligence case involving Handon which will be influenced by the outcome of this case," said Barba.

"She is the operator of the hospital where you claim the victims were targeted. She has firsthand knowledge of their treatments at the times they claim to have been attacked by my client." Harris argued.

The judge pondered for a moment. "I'll allow it. However, she is not allowed to testify about her hospital or the attacks."

Barba walked back to his table. He gestured for Amaro to come over to him.

"Do you have you phone with you?" Barba whispered.

"Yeah," Amaro grabbed the black iPhone from his pocket, unlocked it and handed it to Barba.

Barba flicked through the phone as Fracine Handon strutted to the witness box. As soon as she sat, she turned to Kate with a smirk. The entire team saw it. Nick gripped onto Kate's forearm, and mouthed "It's okay."

"Doctor Handon," Harris began. "Could you please tell the courts where you work?"

She smirked an empty smile. "I am the owner and operator of Handon Private Hospital. I am also a psychiatrist."

"What year did you take over the establishment?"

"2005."

"You were an integral part in the treatment of Maddison Davies, correct?"

"Yes, I was."

Harris leant on the front of the witness box. "Could you explain to the court what issues Maddison was experiencing?"

"She was diagnosed with PTSD due to domestic violence. When she came to me, she was having flashbacks of the violence. At one point, I found her on the ground unable to move."

"Is it possible that her PTSD may have attributed to the identification of my client as her rapist?"

Handon nodded. "Yes. The mind can create events, it can change events and it can muddle events, especially in a time or panic or distress. It is very possible that Maddison Davies was raped, but her mind may have remembered Mister Bradley's face from her treatment and henceforth merged the two."

Harris glared at the jury as she took her seat.

Barba stood. "Doctor Handon, do you have any court cases against you pending?"

"Objection! It was already established that we couldn't ask about the hospital or the attacks." Harris argued.

Barba looked at the judge. "I didn't ask her about her hospital or the attacks. I asked if she had any cases against her individually."

The judge nodded. "Tread lightly, Barba. The witness will answer."

Handon pursed her lips and spoke through almost gritted teeth. "Yes."

"Isn't it correct that you are currently on trial for criminal negligence pertaining to your failure to report crimes to police while in a position of guardianship?"

"Yes."

Barba turned to the jury. "Put simply, Doctor Handon had an obligation to report any possible crimes to the police. She was the guardian of the children staying at her hospital. But she chose not to report because she didn't trust the word of mentally ill people."

"I never said that!"

Barba tipped his head to the side and looked at her. "You didn't?"

Kate could feel Barba pulling back his slingshot and taking aim at her.

"No!"

Barba picked up a piece of paper from his desk. "You didn't say, and I quote 'I am not about to put the word of a mentally unstable person over one of my employees', when you were being interviewed by Detective's Amaro, Carisi and Walker?"

Handon huffed and crossed her arms.

"Don't remember?" Barba raised Amaro's phone up so that the jury could see it. "We are lucky that Detective Amaro records all interviews." Barba pressed play on the voice recording from the Handon interview.

" _I am not about to put the word of a mentally unstable person over one of my employees."_ The recording of Handon was loud in the quiet courtroom.

Barba tut-tutted. "Doctor Handon…you are a medical professional whom is supposed to treat mentally ill patients, but you don't trust them or listen to them. Are you really the best person to be testifying?"

She shot daggers at him. "I am fully qualified. I am here to tell the truth."

"Like you did when the minors in your care reported sexual assaults to you? Did you tell the truth to police then?"

"I never lied."

Barba slammed a forceful hand down on the wood of his table. "But you failed to disclose. Doctor Handon, isn't it possible that you are here to produce a testimony that will benefit you? A testimony that will prevent the damaging of your personal and professional reputation?" Handon scoffed and looked away from Barba dismissively. "Isn't it entirely possible that you are biased in this case?"

"Biased?! You should talk to that Detective Walker! She came into my hospital with an agenda, and she arrested Bradley on an agenda also! Listen to the rest of that tape! You'll hear her threaten me!"

The court burst into chaos. Reporters chattered, her team talked in hushed whispers, Barba yelled "move to strike", and the gavel banged against the wood. Kate was gripping onto the seat with such intensity that her nails began to snap, and her hands had turned an off white.

Harris spoke up. "Your honour, I request an hour recess."

The judge nodded. "This court will reconvene at eleven twenty three."

As soon as the gavel hit the wood, Kate powered out of the courtroom, then out of the courthouse. She wanted to punch something. She wanted to kick something. She wanted to throw something. And she wanted those three somethings to be Francine Handon's head.

She leaned against one of the towering columns at the front of the courthouse. The thoughts in her head wouldn't slow down. She only had three minutes to herself, before Barba, Olivia and Carisi found her.

Olivia put a hand on her shoulder.

* * *

"They've filed a motion to dismiss the charges based on biased investigation," Barba announced as he emerged from the judge's chambers.

The team had been waiting outside for the result of the meeting. Barba began to power down the hall.

Kate rubbed her forehead as she and the team followed him.

"The judge couldn't have granted that!" Carisi exclaimed.

"He didn't grant anything. He wants to see the evidence presented to him and then he's going to make his decision." He stopped suddenly and turned to Kate. "They want you on the stand tomorrow morning. We've got to prepare."


	7. Rehearsal

Kate submerged herself into a steaming hot bath. After four hours of preparation with Barba, she was beyond tired. Her sore muscles groaned as they were caressed by the water. The bubbles encased Kate's shoulders, and she let out a content sigh.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"No," Kate whispered to herself. "Go away whoever you are."

Knock. Knock. Knock.

She groaned, and pulled herself out of the tub. In her head she was praying for her landlord, or a late night Jehovah's Witness. A large bath towel wrapped around her still glistening body, she tiptoed on her floor to the door. The first thing she saw through the peep hole was an expensive tie. She didn't even need to look at his face. With an annoyed exhale, she flung the door open.

"Barba. No. I practiced answering your questions for four hours." She put a hand on her towel-clad hip.

There was a moment. Just a moment where Kate swore she saw his eyes scale down her body. When his green iris's met hers, there was something in them that she hadn't seen in him before. In the back of her head, her mind whispered to her 'it's lust'. But before she had a chance to really see it, the normal judgemental cockiness had returned.

"Or as most people say in the western world: 'hello'," He pushed past her into her apartment without an invitation.

Kate glared at him. "Please, come on in. Make yourself at home," she said sarcastically.

He turned to face her. "We need to rehearse."

Kate shut the door and hung her head dramatically. "Right. And what am I rehearsing for?"

Barba pulled off his coat and his jacket, revealing navy suspenders. "We know what you are going to say but not how you are going to say it."

"Are you kidding me?"

He sat down on her lounge and began unpacking his briefcase. "Everything that goes on in a court case is a play. Everything that is said is scripted. I'm an actor, the defence is an actor, and witnesses are actors. What do actors do? They rehearse. I want my performance and your performance to be the one the judge likes."

"Fine," Kate wondered into her bedroom to get dressed. She pulled on one her ten NYPD sweaters and some tights. When she came back out to Barba, he had spread his folders all over her coffee table. "Let's do this."

Barba took her through every question he was going to ask her, and made sure each of her responses sounded good. They were finished within two hours.

As Barba tapped his folders on his desk to straighten them, he turned to Kate. "You can tell you have a background in law when you speak,"

"Is that good or bad?"

"Good. It gives you more credibility." He piled his papers into his case and locked it up. "This is an off the record question. I talked to Carisi and Nick and they said that you're very passionate about this case. Why is that?"

Kate turned away from him, and focused on nothing. "I don't really know. I was a victim's aid for so long, it's so hard to meet victims that don't have a voice."

"Is that all it is?"

There was a moment of weakness that Kate was ready to open her mouth and tell her life story to this A.D.A. But as soon as her lips parted, the flashbacks began. She could feel the knife in her hand again. She shook her head to shake away the images. "That's all it is. Been on the job too long, I guess."

They sat in silence for a moment. Kate watched as his expression turned serious.

"Kate, I don't want anything jeopardising this case even more,"

Kate's brow furrowed. She wasn't quite sure what he meant. "What do you mean?"

"I want this case closed. I don't want any other prejudice being brought up," Rafael sighed. "No matter how much I want something."

Surprise went through her body. He had kissed her back two weeks ago and when nothing was said after that, she assumed it was because he had changed his mind or he was just being polite.

"I thought…" she began. She rubbed her forehead. "I just thought you weren't…um…you weren't interested."

Rafael's head spun towards her. "That couldn't be further from the truth. We just can't while this case is on my docket. I don't want you in trouble with Liv either." Rafael stood from the couch. "I want you catching the bad guys for a very long time. And if you didn't catch the bad guys, I wouldn't have a job."

Kate laughed. "How would you buy your ties?"

Rafael's face lit up. "Have a good night, Kate."

"The defence calls Detective Kate Walker to the stand."

* * *

Kate stood, and with as much confidence as possible she walked to the witness box. Barba's eyes met hers. He didn't give her a smile. Instead, a look of determination and trust crossed his face.

Harris stood. "Detective Walker, you have a past as a victims aid?"

"Yes."

"In fact, you worked as a victims aid for two years. Is that right?"

"That's correct."

"How long have you been an SVU detective?"

"I've worked here in New York for approximately two months now, and in the Seattle Sex Crimes Unit, for two years."

"So four and a half years around rape victims. How many cases have you had victims that have had a mental illness?"

Kate's brow furrowed. "I'm not sure. I don't really keep track."

"Would it surprise to know that just during your two years as a victims aid sixty three percent of your cases involved victims that were mentally ill?"

Kate swallowed. "No, it doesn't really surprise me. Mentally ill people are often victims of rape because when they report it they are deemed untrustworthy."

"Did that make you mad?"

"Of course." She didn't want to lie. "The victims I worked with had their lives destroyed, but they couldn't get justice."

"Would you say that you gravitate towards mentally ill victims?"

Kate shook her head. "No. As a cop, you are given the cases you are given. I don't search them out."

"But when you are given a case with a mentally ill victim, do you investigate it in the same manner that you would investigate a mentally stable victims case?"

Kate looked towards the jury."I investigate the case in the exact same manner every time. A victim is still a victim whether they are mentally ill or not."

"When you visited Handon Private Hospital did you speak with Doctor Handon?"

"Yes."

"What did you say?"

Kate could feel Harris's questioning getting more and more aggressive. "I expressed my discontent with the manner in which she had handled complaints."

"According to Doctor Handon, you were quite forceful about it?"

"As I said, I was discontent with her processes."

"You informed her that you were going to report her to the medical board, correct?"

"Yes."

"Detective Walker, isn't it true that once you took a dislike to Doctor Handon's methods you were determined to damage her reputation?"

Kate had to take a breath to calm herself before she answered. "No. I was determined to report her illegal actions to the medical board. That's all."

"Isn't it true that, in an attempt to crush Doctor Handon, you focused solely on her hospital? On her staff?"

"No."

"Detective Walker, how long did you work on this case?"

The sudden change in questioning made Kate furrow her brow. "Fourteen days before we arrested Damien Bradley."

"In that time, how many hours of overtime did you do?"

Kate rubbed her forehead as she thought. "Approximately twenty."

"That's a lot of overtime for a detective who investigates all cases the same." Harris glanced at the jury and pursed her lips. "Do you do twenty hours of overtime on all your cases?"

"Some of them."

"Who in your team realised the pattern of rapes?"

"Me."

"Who had the idea to get video footage from a security camera?"

"That was me."

"And who discovered the tattoo on my client?"

"We as a team did."

"Who first laid eyes on the footage that showed the tattoo?"

Kate sighed. "I did."

"And you want us to believe that you weren't obsessed with this case?" Before Kate could answer, Harris turned to the judge. "Your honour, I would like to bring forth a motion to drop all charges. There has obviously been prejudice in the detective work in this case, and the witness stories are flimsy at best."

Kate instantly felt light headed.

Barba stood to protest, but the judge shut him up. "I'm not granting your motion, Counsellor Harris. However, I am giving the prosecution forty eight hours to find more evidence, other than the witness stories, without the help of Detective Kate Walker. If this cannot be produced, then I will be granting the motion. "

Kate met Bradley's eyes. The smile on his face repulsed her.

"Court is in recess until this time tomorrow morning."

The gavel banged.

* * *

Kate rode with Nick and Amanda back to SVU. Nick's constant attempts to assure her that the judges decision wasn't her fault was getting on her nerves. All she wanted to do was stare out the window at the city.

When they got back to the squad room, Kate went straight to the bathroom to wash her face off. The cold water slapped her skin. She blinked the water out of her eyes and looked at herself in the mirror. Had she really gone after Bradley because what had happened to her? Was everything she felt about him being guilty wrong?

She lifted her shirt up and glared at her stomach in the mirror. Her finger traced the raised skin and faded scaring. The memory of what had happened snapped her back into reality.

"I'm a good cop…" She whispered to herself.

The shirt dropped from her hands and she walked from the bathroom. She wasn't in the squad room five seconds before Barba's enraged face appeared in front of her.

"What was that?!" he yelled.

Kate stood in shocked silence for a moment, before the anger began coursing through her system. "I did what you told me to do."

"You may have just cost me this entire case."

"Excuse me?!" The seething hatred inside her scratched against her stomach, its sharp claws ripping into her stomach.

Barba slammed down his briefcase. "More than that, you may have just cost these victims their only chance at justice."

Carisi attempted to push in between them. "Woah…I think we just need to calm down."

Kate pushed Carisi out of the way. "You are just pissed off that you didn't do your job properly and we got blindsided."

"It never would have been an issue if you had just kept your mouth shut in front of Doctor Handon!"

"I know I didn't act in the best way around Handon, I'll admit that," Kate yelled. "But you can't put the disintegration of an entire case on my shoulders."

Barba huffed. "Whose shoulders should it be on then, Kate? Mine?"

"Your job is to see every avenue that the defence can take and cut them off before they get there. Did you do that? No!"

"I can't be prepared if I didn't know there was a problem. Now I'm going to ask you just once: did you focus on the staff because of Doctor Handon?"

Kate exhaled through gritted teeth. "Get out of my face, Barba."

Olivia moved in between them, placing a hand on Barba's shoulder. "I think we could all use a time out. Barba, let's go in my office." As she led Barba away from Kate, she looked behind her and spoke. "Carisi, get her home."

* * *

Three hours later, Kate's trembling hands held her phone. She sat on the floor in her kitchen leaned up against the cabinets. Her mind had been debating whether or not to call the number for an hour. Without even realising what she was doing, her fingers started dialling.

 _Ring, ring._

Her heart was jumping out of her chest.

 _Ring_ , ring.

Why was she doing this? Why was she looking back into her past?

 _Ring, ring._

The person on the other end picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

Kate inhaled sharply and shakily. She hadn't heard that voice for over a decade.

She broke down, her face contorting pain and tears spilling from her eyes.

"Hello?" The familiar voice said again.

Kate stopped crying long enough to speak one word. "Mom?"

The line on the other end went silent for just a moment, then the dial tone rang in Kate's ears.

Shallow whimpers came from Kate and she stared at the phone. With nothing to do and no one to call, she laid down on the floor and cried.

* * *

It was three in the morning and Kate was still awake. She sat on her couch staring at a strange infomercial. She had no clue what it was about, let alone what the product was supposed to do. The only activity she had managed to do in the time since she called her mother was shower.

A slow knock came at the door.

Kate looked towards the entrance, and suddenly it seemed so far away. She wasn't going to answer.

The knock came again.

And again.

"Kate…" The voice said from the other side. "I can hear the television."

With a sigh, she walked to the door and opened it. In front of her stood a tired Rafael holding a bottle of bourbon.

She didn't say hello or greet him in anyway. Instead, she just waited until he spoke.

"I'm not always as good a man as I want to be. I'm sorry, Kate."

The right response couldn't find her lips. She didn't want to say 'okay' or 'it's fine' because it wasn't. The only thing she could do is nod. In silence, she moved to one side and gestured for him to come into her apartment. Neither of them spoke as he sat down. The silence continued as she grabbed the glasses and poured two bourbons. And the silence didn't stop. Without a word, they both turned to the television and watched the terrible infomercial.

The buzzing phone jolted Kate from her deep sleep. Her woozy head and sleep-deprived mind struggled to adjust to being awake. As it did however, she felt a weight draped over her arm. Her eyes opened and she saw a hand wrapped around her.

She jumped up and looked behind her. As she did, Rafael's eyes shot open. The night of drinking came back to her in a flash. They had fallen asleep together on the couch.

Rafael lunged at his ringing phone. "Barba."

The conversation consisted mainly of him saying 'yes' and 'no, that's wrong' before he hung up the phone. Kate couldn't help but watch him. His hair was messed up and his scruff had developed well past a five o'clock shadow. He wore no tie and his shirt was unbuttoned to show a small tuft of chest hair.

"What time is it?" Kate asked.

He checked the phone screen. "Eight."

Kate nodded. She didn't know why but the situation felt awkward.

"I've…ah…I've got to get to work," said Barba, standing from the couch.

"Do you want to use my bathroom to freshen up?"

He nodded. After she showed him where it was, Kate just stood around the apartment trying to figure out what to do. She washed up the bourbon glasses and pulled on a sweat shirt.

Rafael awkwardly shuffled back into the lounge room looking presentable and tidy. "I'll see you soon."

Kate nodded. He turned to go, picking up his briefcase, but when he reached the door he paused. Kate saw his shoulders rise and fall in a sigh, before he spun around, strutted over to her and pressed his lips to hers.

Barba's scruff rubbed against her mouth, but she didn't care one bit. His gentle hand ran along her jaw line and the other snaked around her waist. Kate kissed him back, enjoying the sensation of the two them being so close.

The kiss broke, but their faces did not part. Their heads lightly rested on each other. Seconds ticked by with both of them feeling the heat between their bodies.

Eventually, Kate knew it was time to move away. "You have to go to work."

He nodded, and with that he was gone.


	8. Hopeless

Kate tried to make herself busy to pass the time. She got coffee, did paperwork, and watched the worst daytime television she could find. She tried to tell herself that she deserved this time off; that it was a good time to relax and enjoy it, but the Bradley case still nagged her. She had to stop herself multiple time from grabbing her coat and going to work.

Hours passed by with no texts, no calls and no emails. It drove her mad.

* * *

"Coffee!" Carisi yelled, putting down the large tray of cardboard cups on the squad room table.

Everyone grabbed one. Rollins and Nick were hunched over their laptops, Olivia and Finn flicked through folders, and Barba's nose was buried in a large legal book. It was almost one in the morning.

"Did I miss anything?" asked Carisi.

Barba slammed his book shut and rubbed his forehead with closed eyes. "Ah yes, we found all the evidence we needed. The case is solved. That's why we're all still here."

Carisi rolled his eyes at the A.D.A's sarcasm.

"Guys, maybe we have to look at this differently," Olivia suggested as she threw down her folder. "We've been spending our time trying to prove that Walker wasn't biased and our evidence is good."

"What do you think we should do?" asked Nick.

She stood from the desk and stretched. "How about we try to strengthen the witness statements?"

Nick sipped his coffee before he talked. "What about the tattoo?"

"Forget the tattoo for now," Barba added in. He tossed his book on the table. "Work the statements. I've got to go figure out how to tell my boss that a case with three witness ID's is going downhill."

* * *

It was the last hour of the time limit the team had been given. Court was to re-convene at exactly midday. Kate sat dressed in her court outfit, her phone in her hands, in her apartment. Forty seven hours with no update was not a good sign. The minutes ticked by. Eventually, Kate realised she would have to leave now to make it too the courthouse. She pulled on her coat and walked down to the subway.

The bustling train kept her mind busy on her way there. She walked up the grey steps of the courthouse, using her sunglasses and a thick scarf to avoid being spotted by the press that had begun to grow outside.

Once inside, she went through security and hurried to find the right court room. As soon as she saw the faces of Finn and Amanda, her heart dropped. The detectives sat on a wooden bench with solemn looks. They stood when they saw her.

"Kate…I…we…I'm sorry." Amanda stuttered.

Finn clasped a comforting hand on the back of her neck. "We'll get this guy, Walker. It might take a little longer, but we'll get him."

Kate couldn't look them in the eye. There was no new evidence and no way to prove that she wasn't biased. "Where's the rest of the team?"

Finn nodded towards the courtroom doors.

The three of them walked in. Olivia, Nick and Carisi sat in the second row. Kate shuffled in behind them followed by Finn and Amanda. At the front of the courtroom she could see the hunched figure of Rafael, scribbling notes into a notebook. She was glad he couldn't see her.

Opposite Rafael was Damien Bradley and his defence lawyer. She could see the smile on the attorneys face as he turned to glance at his un-confident and defeated opponent.

"All rise." The bailiff announced. The room stood.

The judge walked into the room and took his seat behind the bench. The entire court sat back down.

"Now, Mister Barba, I do believe that you were given forty eight hours to produce evidence that Detective Walker did not have a hand in, or produce evidence that cohobated the witness statements." The judge stared down at him through his glasses. "Do you have any evidence to produce, Counsellor?"

Barba stood. "I'm sorry, Your Honour. I do not."

The judge nodded then exhaled heavily. "Then I have no choice," He turned to Damien Bradley. "I hereby dismiss all charges against Damien Bradley. He will be released from reprimand if there are no other holds. Case dismissed."

The gavel banged. The court exploded into uproar. The victims, their parents, and the rest of the audience yelled in outrage. Kate put her elbows on her knees and rubbed her eyes.

"This is your fault, Detective!" A hysterical voice screamed.

Kate's head sprung up. Maddison Davies mother stood in the aisle, tears streaming from her face and her hands around her daughters trembling body.

"You let him go free!"

Finn's hand found Kate's and he gently pulled her from her seat. With a protective arm around her shoulders, he started guiding her out of the courtroom. "Let's get you out of here."

* * *

Kate sat at her favourite booth in El Lugar, her head buried in the Bradley case file and her third bourbon in her hand. It was quiet that night with only a young couple a few booths away from her and some sad looking people on the bar stools drowning their sorrows. She read through every report in the file, but eventually it became a struggle just to read one sentence. Her mind would churn with the accusations of the victim's parents and her own guilt.

"I knew you'd be here." Rafael appeared in front of her.

She was tired, tipsy and upset. "Come here to yell at me, Counsellor?" Her words slurred as she talked. "I lost you your case."

Rafael looked down. "I'm not here to yell at you, Kate."

Kate chugged down the last of her bourbon in a giant gulp then glared at him. "Well then…what are you doing here?"

He slid into the booth opposite her and caught the waiter's attention. "I'm here to drink."

And drink they did. Kate used two more bourbons to tiptoe past tipsy into drunk. Rafael quickly drank three bourbons and stopped drinking when he started feeling lightheaded. Kate was slurring and ranting about the Bradley case. Rafael chipped in with a sassy remark when he had the chance.

Rafael tried to pull her from the booth at midnight, but she would not budge.

"I'm going to sit here and look at this file until I can find something!"

Rafael stared into her drunk eyes. "Kate, you are so drunk that you could find something with a map, a compass and Indiana Jones with you."

"Go home, Rafael," she growled. "I'm a grown woman."

Rafael rubbed his forehead. She was so stubborn.

"Fine." Rafael said.

There was so way Rafael was going to leave her in the bar to find her own way home. He went over to the counter of the bar.

"Do you have any rooms available in the motel?" he asked.

The bartender nodded. Rafael paid for a room for her and got the key, muttering a quick ' _gracias'_ to the bartender.

He walked back over to her booth and slid the key across the table.

"Take care of yourself, _mi amigo_."

He left the bar.


	9. Shocked

_Buzz. Buzz._

Kate groaned.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

She cracked one eye open. Even that much light was too much for her. Her eyes screamed at her to pull the covers over her head and shut out the world.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

Her hand snaked out from under the sheets and grabbed her phone. She peaked at the screen, then pressed answer.

"Hello?" she croaked. She cleared her throat. "Walker speaking."

"Kate, it's Carisi. Where are you?"

Kate sat upright in bed. Her head spun, her stomach churned and her eyes burned. As her eyes adjusted, she took in the unfamiliar room. Her mind ran, trying to piece together the night that was covered in a haze of alcohol.

"What do you mean where am I?"

"It's nine."

She struggled to see the small clock on the nightstand. When she did, she groaned. Nine A.M. "Crap!"

She jumped from the bed. She was sure she was going to throw up, but she managed to keep her stomach under control.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

She threw her phone down on the bed without even saying goodbye and ran into the bathroom. She looked terrible. Her make-up was smudged. Dark circles had formed under her eyes. Her hair was messy.

She tried her best to tidy herself up by washing off all her make-up and combing her hair with her fingers before pulling it into a pony tail. She sighed. It was the best she could do.

* * *

Kate hurried into the squad room an hour late. She tried her hardest to sneak past Amaro, Carisi and Finn who sat buried in paperwork at their desks.

"Here she is!" Carisi announced.

Kate froze. "God damn it," she whispered to herself. She spun around to face the three of them.

"Hot date last night?" asked Carisi as he threw a ball into the air and caught it again.

"If by hot date you mean drinking by myself, then yes."

Carisi chuckled, but Nick and Finn looked solemn. They knew she wasn't drinking for fun.

"Kate." Olivia appeared at her side. "Can I see you in my office?"

Kate grimaced and followed Olivia. Her Sergeant closed the door behind her. Instead of sitting behind her desk, she sat beside Kate in one of the two chairs.

"Do you need time off?"

Kate shook her head immediately. "No. I'm good. I just needed a night to get myself together."

"You're a good detective. I don't want to see you go downhill because you haven't been looking after yourself and knowing your limits."

"I've had cases lost before, Serg. I've just never been personally blamed."

Olivia put a hand on Kate's shoulder. "We don't blame you at all. Finn, Rollins and Nick are staying on the case to find something to get Bradley."

Kate nodded.

Olivia rose from the chair and pulled something from under her desk then tossed it to Kate. It was a plastic bag with jeans and a sweater.

"Thanks, Serg."

* * *

Two days passed. Kate tried to get herself back to normal, but she couldn't. She only went home for an hour or so a day to shower and change then the rest of her time was spent doing monotonous 309 forms. She hadn't slept in forty-eight hours. At seven in the morning, she sat in an empty office. The night owls and the rest of the overtimers had called it a night at four, while the early birds didn't normally start arriving for another half an hour. Her one hundredth and fourth seventh 309 form sat in front of her, half finished.

"How long has it been since you slept?" The voice made her jump.

She looked over to see Rafael kneeling beside her. Dark circles had developed under his eyes, his hair was messed up and his scruff had developed well past a five o'clock shadow. He wore no tie and his shirt was unbuttoned to show the small tuft of chest hair.

Kate rubbed her eyes. "A while. How long has it been since _you_ slept?"

A frown developed on his face. "I need to get this guy off the street, but his legal bubble is too strong to break." Rafael's eyes closed. "I should have seen this coming. Bradley is smart." He leant his hip against the desk, his arms crossing over his chest.

They sat in silence for a few moments. There was so much Kate wanted to say to him: thank you for being there for her, thank you for working so hard, thank you for not giving up. Instead, she uttered a simple "Thank you for the hotel room, Rafael."

He looked at her with a sad smile. His lips parted, but before he could answer, Olivia came into the room, coffee in hand. Rollins and Finn hurried in after her, like two ducklings following their mother.

When Olivia saw them, she frowned. "How long have you been here, Kate?" She also noticed Barba's scruff. "Jesus, did you two get any sleep?"

"We need to get Damien Bradley back behind bars." Barba said sternly.

Olivia sighed. "Neither of you are going to be worth anything to anyone if you don't get some sleep. Kate go into the bunks and get a few hours. Barba, you should go to."

"I'm sure he's got a four poster bed he can go sleep in at home," joked Rollins.

Barba smirked at her. "I do, but I'm getting it replated in gold right now so your bunks are going to have to do."

Kate let out a short, sharp laugh. She realised that it had been days since she had even cracked a smile. Together, the two tired souls hobbled into the bunks. The room dark room was lined with bunk beds and lockers.

The nearest bed to Kate was the place she collapsed. Rafael flopped down on the bunk next to her and kicked off his shoes. The blankets on the bed were scratchy and the pillows had no support whatsoever. Nevertheless, her body was so tired and so relieved with the chance to recharge, it only took her seconds to drift into a sleep.

* * *

A rough shake awoke Kate. Through squinted eyes, Olivia stood over her. "Kate, we've got something. Something on Bradley."

Kate jumped from the bunk and looked across to where Rafael should have been sleeping. The bed was empty. Kate ran into the squad room where the entire team, including Rafael, stood in a circle. As soon as Kate joined them, Nick pointed to the television.

"I went and talked to Maddison's psychologist that she saw before being admitted to Handon." Nick used the remote to open up a document. It was the copy of a prescription. "He said that he prescribed her an anti-depressant that would have put her in a sound state of mind. I got Warner to test the blood from the rape kit. It was in her blood stream at the time."

"So her testimony can't be called into question?" questioned Oliva.

Nick nodded.

"That's all well and good," Carisi interjected. "But, correct me if I'm wrong, that information is covered doctor-patient confidentiality."

"That's the thing," Nick continued. He pressed a button on the remote and a form appeared on the screen. "When we were investigating, we were given permission from Maddison and her mother to access all medical records and reports."

"Then it's in," Barba said.

"Will that be enough?" Carisi asked.

"It's enough to get the ball rolling on Maddison's trial," Barba explained. "Hopefully, we can get him off the street with this, and once Maddison's testimony is deemed reliable, we can re-introduce the other girl's reports."

"So we've got him?" asked Olivia.

A sly grin came over Barba's face. "Fish in a barrel."

"Unfortunately, this doesn't clear Kate's name…" added Nick.

The team turned to stare at her. She crossed her arms in front of her. "I'm here to catch the bad guys, not to make myself look good."

Rafael ran to grab his briefcase and coat. "Good work. If I can get this past the judge, we are back in the game." He hurried out of the squad room toward the elevator.

Kate felt a relief she had never felt before overtake her body. High fives, back slaps and hugs were being thrown around the squad room for the next minute, before Olivia spoke.

"Good job, Nick." She praised, then turned to the team as a whole. "Alright guys, we need this evidence to be perfect. Get the paperwork started."

* * *

Three hours later, Finn, Rollins, Carisi and Kate pulled up in front of the large Bradley house. The warrant had come through within the hour, and she had begged Olivia to let her go, even if she didn't get to arrest him. The sergent agreed, but ordered her to stay in the car and she wasn't to have any interaction with Bradley. In Olivia's words, she wanted Kate to "pretend like she wasn't even there".

Finn pointed to a large, black SVU parked in the driveway. "Looks like he's got company."

Kate was ordered to stay in her and Carisi's car. She watched through the window as the three detectives walked to the front of the house.

Finn knocked on the door. In a stern, harsh voice he yelled, "Damien Bradley, NYPD."

Muffled bumps and scraps came from behind the door. "No, no, please!" A desperate voice pleaded, before a loud "BANG" resonated throughout the house.

Rollins, Finn and Carisi ducked. They flattened themselves against the bricks beside the door.

Kate sprang into action. The gun from her holster was instantly in her hand and by her side as ran to give back up to her team.

She joined Carisi on the left side of the door then yanked her radio from her shoulder. "Shot fired, shots fired. Send back up to 103 46th Street."

Finn used well-learned hand gestures to communicate the plan to the team. Kate nodded. Finn moved in front of the door and with one, powerful kick, forced the door open. Carisi and Rollins swung in, guns pointed, followed by Kate and Finn.

"NYPD." Amanda announced.

The house was eerily quiet. Each member of the team took a different part of the house. With slow, determined steps Kate ventured into the left side of the house. Her heart slammed against her ribs. The house was so still it made her feel uneasy.

"Guys! We've got something!" Finn yelled.

She shook off the uneasiness and ran into the kitchen. Her eyes were assaulted with the sight of blood. The red substance was all over the floor and sprayed up the walls. In the centre of it lay Doctor Francine Handon. She was spluttering and convulsing. With as much pressure as he could, Finn pressed a tea towel to her shoulder to stop the bleeding.

"Call a bus!" Finn instructed.

Kate radioed in for the ambulance. As soon as her finger released the radio, she heard a crash come from the other end of the house.

Carisi met her eyes and they communicated that they would investigate. Kate raised her weapon.

With tentative steps, they cleared the lounge room and study. The last room in the house that she could see on this floor was the laundry. They flattened themselves against the wall. Her breath was calm, as were here hands, but her brain was running a million miles an hour.

Kate swung into the room. It was small and white, with no places to hide. Her brow furrowed.

A yelp of pain came from behind her.

Before she even had the chance to turn, a hand clamped over her mouth. There was a white cloth in the palm. With all the might she had, Kate struggled against her attacker. She thrashed and tore her limbs left and right in an attempt to fight him off. Panic exploded in her brain. Her blood pumped in the veins so hard she could hear it in her ears. She was determined not to give up, but dizziness overtook her very quickly. Her head felt light and her arms and legs were heavy and unstable.

 _Thud._

Kate hit the floor.


	10. Torture

Pressure pulsed against her head. It felt as if her skull might explode at any moment. Kate drifted back into consciousness. Pain radiated down her back and into her neck.

As her mind began to pull itself from the haze, she became aware of the scratchy rope tied to her legs and wrists. Her stomach churned. Something was very wrong. The lids of her eyes found the strength to open. It was only then that she realised she had been hung upside down.

She jerked around in shock as everything came back to her. Bradley's house. Francine Handon. The hand over her mouth. The sudden movement made her swing from side to side.

Her brain began to process what she was seeing. Her body hung from a steel beam. The room was cold. Very cold. The concrete beneath her had a small sheet of ice developing. But beyond that, she realised her shirt and pants had been torn away from her body, leaving her almost nude.

Footsteps clicked on the floor. She twisted from side to side trying to see where they came from. Then, from behind a concrete pillar, came Damien Bradley. She let her body go completely limp and watched him carefully as he came to sit cross legged about three feet from her. The room was silent except for the creaking of the beam as Kate swung.

"Hello, Detective. It's nice to finally have some time alone with you." He spoke tauntingly, with a cocky tone in his voice. "You kept something from me all that time we spent together."

The muscles in her chest tightened. He knew.

A devilish grin appeared on his face. "Your team doesn't know why this case impacted you so much, do they? They think it's just because you're a passionate detective."

Kate didn't want to speak to him; to let him know that he had got to her.

"You're not very talkative, detective." He sighed. "That's no fun. Why don't we play a game?"

Kate met his black eyes. She knew as soon as she did it that it was a mistake. That small amount of interest caused a demonic grin to stretch across his face.

"For each thing you tell me about yourself, I'll tell you a name of a girl that I raped."

Emotion exploded in her chest. All her training had taught her that you don't give personal information to perps, but there were families out there that needed closure.

Before she could answer, he pulled a scrap of paper and a pen from his pocket. "I'll even write it down for you."

Kate bit her lip. "Fine." It was the first word she'd spoken. The pressure from being upside down made her voice crackly and weak.

"That's more like it detective." He shuffled a foot closer to her. "Tell me, what are you hiding from your team?"

Kate felt tears well up in her eyes but she refused to let them go. "I am…I was beaten when I was younger."

"Who hit you?"

"My brother."

Damien smirked and scratched something down on the paper he held. "Ella Gold. 2003." He looked back to Kate. "What did your brother do to you?"

"He beat me to the ground. He beat my mom to the ground. He almost killed me twice."

"How did he try to kill you?" He watched her as if he was an interested schoolboy learning something fascinating.

Kate exhaled as an attempt to keep her face stern. "Once when my parents went away, he tied me up in the basement… and tortured me. He cut me… burned me with cigarettes… poured water down my throat until I passed out."

Damien traced a finger along the scarred sling of her stomach. The exact spots where the cigarettes had burned all those years ago. Kate squeezed her eyes shut and prayed for his repulsive touch to stop.

His fingers pulled away from her. She opened her eyes to see him writing another name down. "Kelly Bridges. 2005. What else did he do?"

Kate wriggled in her ropes. "He tried to hang me. He tied a rope around my neck…" Flashes of the noose ran across her vision. "And made me stand on a stool that I could barely reach."

"Hmm…" He tilted his head to one side. "How did you get out of it?"

"My neighbour came in and rescued me. Called children's services too."

"Very good, detective. Julie Garcia. 2007." He adjusted himself as if he was getting comfortable. "Now, how did you get away from your brother?"

Kate sealed her lips and tried to twist herself away from him. She wouldn't. She couldn't. That was so far in the past.

"Hey! How did you get away from him?" He said again with force.

Kate clenched her jaw and closed her eyes.

"Detective…" He stood from where he sat. "I'm getting bored, and you want to know what happens when I get bored?" He ran his fingers smoothly down her left leg and flicked the elastic her underwear. Kate wanted to crawl out her skin. "I look for something new to do."

Kate let a tear slip from her eye. At that moment, Bradley knew he had broken her.

"How did you get away from your brother?"

"I didn't!" Kate screamed, her tears escaping. They dropped straight from her eyes to the ground. "I killed him! He came after me and mother with a gun and I stabbed him!" She huffed with the emotional and physical weight she carried. "I killed my own brother!"

Damien was silent for once. The room was filled with her pain-filled sobs. But then the most horrible sound resonated through the area.

Damien's laugh.

As he chuckled, he sat back down and wrote another name on the paper. He didn't bother to say it out loud this time.

As his fit of laughter subsided, he asked another question. "What happened after that, Kate?"

Kate sniffed. "My mother disowned me. She kicked me out to go and live with an uncle."

"Why did she kick you out?"

"After I…I killed him, she couldn't bare the sight of me. She told me I was worth nothing."

The grin of his face make Kate's stomach turn. "How did that make you feel?"

The way he mimicked the soothing voice of a caring psychologist sent shivers down Kate's spine.

She didn't want to answer him. She wanted to close her eyes and pretend this wasn't happening. But she needed to keep him talking.

"I felt like I was a murderer; like everything that he had done to me didn't matter. My mother pushed for a court case. She…she _wanted_ me in jail. But my neighbour told the police what she had seen, and Children's Services…they already had a report."

"How did you get away from your past?"

Kate closed her eyes. "I changed my last name, I moved cities. I was never convicted of anything, and my Children's Services records were sealed under my old name."

"What was your old name?"

She glared at him. "What does it matter?"

The right side of his mouth lifted into a smirk. "It matters to me."

Kate felt every atom of her being trying to push the name back down her throat as if her body rejected her saying it again. Her body lost, and she blurted it out quickly. "Wilkinson."

"You wanted to run from your past. But you couldn't, could you? Tell me, why did I choose you to come play this game?"

Kate's eyes flung open. "Because you're a psychopath!" she spat.

"Ah, ah, ah," Damien scolded. "The truth…or I might start getting bored."

The truth boiled in Kate's body. It felt as if she let it out, her body would burn and shrivel. But she had to talk. "When I was in college, I started having…flashbacks…panic attacks. Every time I saw that someone had been stabbed on the news, I couldn't even move."

Kate could see Damien's breathing start to pick up and his dark pupils widening. "You were damaged,"

"I went to a public mental health office, then to a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with PTSD."

Damien's hand moved down to his crotch and he began to rub himself through his pants.

"How did you become a cop with PTSD?"

"I worked hard. I worked so hard because I wanted to help people like me. I passed the psych evaluation with flying colours.

"But you still have PTSD?"

Kate closed her eyes. She couldn't watch him rub himself anymore. "It'll stay with me for a long time."

Damien leaned in close to her face. "You're just like all the other girls. No one is going to believe you. But I'll know. I'll always know."

Kate refused to open her eyes.

"I wanted to run you know." He leaned his forehead against her body. "But once I found out about you from my lawyer, I knew I needed one last..." His thumb stroked her face. "One last girl to be loved by me."

Kate knew she should be panicking. She knew her heart should be beating fast. She knew she should be screaming. But it was if she was too tired to try; as if there was no point to her fighting back. Her eyes stopped looking at him, instead looking beyond him and doing her best to somehow leave her body so she wouldn't have to experience what was about to happen.

Damien didn't care. He just kept talking. "Tomorrow, I'll be long gone. Out of this country and out of reach of you and your courts." He let out a chuckle. The laugh sent a shiver down Kate's spine. "But I'll be able to relive this whenever I want to."

He pointed across the concrete to where a camera sat atop a tripod, the red like flashing. "I'll be able to relive this every day, Kate." His hands grabbed her hair roughly and they pulled her towards his face. He inhaled her scent like an animal sniffing its prey. "I'll remember how you struggled, how you felt, how you tasted."

Kate wanted to vomit. She wanted to pass out. She wanted the scream. And most of all, she wanted to wake up and realise that it was all a dream, but that wasn't going to happen.

* * *

The squad room was chaos. Phones rang, paper flew around, detectives ran from one another's desks, and many stood around a large board where an intricate investigation had begun.

Kate had been missing for two hours. There had been no sign of her anywhere. No eye witnesses, no cars stolen, and no indication where Bradley had taken her.

Olivia pointed to a board covered with photos and maps. "He has to be within this area. He escaped on foot. What's abandoned around there?"

Amanda stood up. "They checked all buildings in a mile radius. There's nothing abandoned. Nothing that fits his M.O."

"Well they didn't just disappear! Get me building specifications, now!" Olivia ordered. "Where the hell is Barba?!"

Nick answered from his desk. "I called his office. They said he should be here soon. He was on the M train that broke down an hour and a half ago. There's no service down there."

"So he doesn't even know she's missing?"

"I suppose not." Nick answered.

"God damn it," Olivia slammed her hand on the desk. "This bastard has gotten to too many women, he's not going to get one of ours."

Finn hurried into the room. "We've shut down the area around the house. Car checks in and out of the area."

"We know this perp! He knocks them out, he takes them somewhere abandoned, rapes them and releases them within forty eight hours. We've got no reported car jackings and no one saw him walk out. He has to be in that area!"

"What's going on?"

Olivia spun to see a concerned Barba staring at the commotion. "Bradley. He shot his Francine Handon."

Carisi stood up. "And he got Kate."

Barba's heart dropped. Worry, panic, anger and sadness pulsed through his veins. When he opened his mouth he wasn't sure what emotion was going to come out. "How did this happen?!" The anger actually surprised him. "What leads do you have?"

Olivia explained that he took her somewhere on foot, but the search had come up empty.

Rafael wanted desperately to hold Kate. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, he wanted to kiss her. But he couldn't. He felt an anger so strong boil up inside of himself. He had always believed in justice and fairness, but at that moment his fingers yearned for Damien Bradley's throat.

"I've got the specs!" Amanda yelled, pulling them up on the large TV. "There's no tunnel systems under this part of town and the only access to the sewers is three miles away."

The team stared at the specs. Rafael remembered something in the back of his head. "What part of town is this?"

"104th St." Nick answered.

Rafael searched his memory, vaguely remembering a Christmas party on that side of town where he was shown a passage way. "That part of town has passage ways that were built in the prohibition era that lead to the old train station."

"Those won't show up on sewer or tunnel charts," Amaro chimed in. "The city closed all those off in the late eighties."

"Get the specs for Bradley's house. Get the earliest one we can find." Olivia yelled.

"On it!" Amanda began typing furiously at her computer.

Rafael, for the first time since he was a child, bit his finger nails. He paced backwards and forth along the length of the squad room.

"Yes!" Amanda yelled. "I've got the specs from 1987. There's a tunnel from Bradley's house to the old train station on 94th."

"That train station got knocked down a year ago." Carisi said.

"They started building office blocks on it last year, but the company ran out of funding," Amanda said.

Olivia tensed up. "What happened to the building afterward?"

"Nothing." Nick replied. His eyes widened. "It abandoned now."

"That fits the M.O. I'll call the SWAT team for back up." Olivia ran into her office and strapped her holster to her hip with determination.

Rafael let out a breath, but his heart was still thumping in his chest.

* * *

It had been an hour. An hour of Damien Bradley taunting her, and making her describe what her brother had done to her in graphic detail. But Kate could see he was getting bored, and a mischievous look had appeared in his eyes.

"Let's have some more fun. Some more 'adult' fun." He smirked.

He stood from where he sat next to her, and disappeared for a moment. A rough, repetitive scrape echoed in the concrete building. Damien emerged pulling a ripped, dirty mattress along the ground.

Kate realised that this was it. This was the moment all this horror was leading up to. She squirmed in her ropes. He let the mattress flop onto the ground and pushed it with his foot until it was positioned under her hanging body. From his back pocket, he produced a small, orange box cutter. Balancing on the mattress, he reached to the rope holding Kate onto the beam and sliced the blade across it.

Kate's body slammed onto the mattress. Black spots covered her vision as the blood finally ran down from her head. She shook her skull from side to side, but it didn't help. She felt faint and like her stomach was going to push through her body and out her mouth.

The mattress around her sunk down with the weight of Damien. He kneeled down in between her legs. Roughly, he dragged his hands down her body, leaving a trail of red, irritated skin. Kate squirmed under his repulsive touch.

"Don't fight me, darling." He said in an eerily calm voice.

He scrapped his finger nail across her already scared skin, leaving a line of blood and ragged skin. Kate let out a yelp.

"Detective, you are going to enjoy this." He grabbed a fistful of her hair. She screamed in pain. "You know you will."

He laughed, and unzipped his pants.


	11. Bruised

"Detective, you are going to enjoy this." He grabbed a fistful of her hair. She screamed in pain. "You know you will."

He laughed and she heard his pants being unzipped.

Kate screamed and tried to wriggle away from him.

BANG.

Damien screamed, and flung himself off Kate.

"NYPD. Freeze!"

Kate saw six blurry figures run from all sides of her. Weapons drawn, they surrounded Damien. With all the strength she had left, she lifted her head to look at Damien.

Blood poured through his hand that was clasped around his shoulder. Any trace of the laughter, of the grins, of the cockiness was gone and replaced with pain and shock.

A head appeared over the top of her. Her eyes couldn't make out who it was.

"Kate? Kate? You're okay. You're safe. We're going to get you to the hospital."

Although she couldn't see the face, she recognised the deep, soothing voice of Nick Amaro. She didn't know what to do. She was weak, but she wanted to get up. She wanted to say something to Nick, but her lips didn't want to move. She wanted to pass out, but her mind was too alert to allow her.

Instead, all the emotions pressed against her, and she began to cry.

* * *

Rafael stood outside of the half-finished building behind the SWAT vehicles. He wasn't allowed closer until they called all clear. Hands buried in his coat pockets, he paced along the footpath. His mind ran with the possibilities of what could be happening, or what had already happened. A man like Bradley had nothing to lose. He could kill her just like that.

 _BANG._

A shot went off. Rafael's head snapped up. His eyes darted all over the building for a sign of anything.

He ran as close as he could to the building, before he was held back by a uniformed officer. Over the officers radio, he heard an urgent Carisi yell "Send two stretchers up here, now!"

"I've got to get up there!" Rafael pushed against the officers grip.

"Sir, I am under direct orders from Sergeant Benson and SWAT. You cannot go in there."

Frustration surging through him, Rafael snatched his arm away from the officer. Four ambulance officers with two stretchers powered up into the building.

The first stretcher came back out a moment later. Rafael saw Damien Bradley, bleeding and groaning on it. Somewhere inside of him, he prayed that that man would die a long, painful death. He weaved his head backwards and forwards looking for the emergence of the second stretcher.

It finally came. On it lay Kate wrapped in a blanket. He didn't even get a chance to see her properly before she was put into another ambulance and rushed to the hospital.

Olivia ran out of the building and over to Rafael. "She's okay." Olivia said, wiping sweat from her forehead. "She pretty beaten up, but she's alive."

Rafael let out the longest breath and rubbed his eyes. He struggled to compose himself, but he had to switch into lawyer mode. "Get in there and get this scene completely photographed and documented. I don't want Bradley getting out of this again."

* * *

The white halls and tiles of the hospital were the only sights the team had seen for three hours. Amanda had brought coffee and food. The coffee was generously accepted, but the food remained untouched. Rafael sat twirling the ring on his finger. It was a black song engraved with a crucifix. He hadn't said a prayer since he attended mass with his mother at Easter. But in that moment, he found himself praying again and again.

A doctor appeared next to them. "Sergeant Benson?"

Benson jumped from her seat. "Yes?"

The rest of the team quickly surrounded the doctor.

"Doctor Gray." She shook each of their hands, then looked down at the clip board she held. "Detective Walker is stable for now."

There was a collective sigh of relief.

"Can we see her?" asked Nick.

The doctor looked down. "Well, she was suspended upside down for over three hours. The blood pooled in the brain during this time, causing her brain to swell."

Rafael's heart clenched. "What does that mean?"

"There's no damage to her brain as of yet, but if the swelling doesn't go down, we could be facing something serious. I've had to put her into a medically induced coma."

"Oh god," Olivia exclaimed. "For how long?"

"I really can't say. Sometimes swelling can go down in a day, sometimes two weeks."

Two weeks without Kate. Rafael could feel himself missing her already.

"Have you notified her next of kin?" It may have sounded cold to the others, but talking like a cold, level-headed lawyer stopped Rafael from showing his feelings for her.

"Her father has passed away, and when we notified her mother she…" The doctor cleared her throat. "She said she wanted nothing to do with her."

Rafael frowned.

"She never talked much about her family," added Nick.

"You can see her if you wish?" Doctor Gray suggested.

The team followed the doctor through the halls, out of the Emergency Ward and into the long halls of the rest of the hospital. She paused in front of Room 292.

"I'll leave you all," she said, opening the door.

As each of them entered, they each took in the broken and damaged body that lay on the bed in front of them.

Olivia was the first to see her. A gasp escaped her lips. Nick came in next and had to look down. Finn followed, and uttered an "Oh, darlin'" as he took in the sight of her.

Rafael finally got through the door and stopped dead in his tracks. Kate didn't even look like herself. Her tanned skin was a deathly white. Black bruises covered her wrists and ankles. IV's ran from both wrists, and cords connected her body to a heart monitor. Rafael couldn't do anything but stare.

Carisi and Rollins were last into the room. Carisi's face dropped into a pained frown, while Amanda closed her eyes.

Nick sat down on the seat next to the bed and gripped Kate's lifeless hand. "You're so strong Kate. You're going to pull through this."

Rafael wanted to grasp her hand or her shoulder. Just touch her to let himself know that she was alive, but he was so hesitant. He didn't want to hurt her.

Carisi leaned on the foot of the bed. "We're all here, Kate."

Olivia leaned over Kate. "Kate, you did so well. You are the bravest detective I've ever had." She sighed and nodded slowly. "You got him, Kate. There's no way that he can get out of this one. We've arrested him again. He's never going to be free again."

The emotional speech was interrupted by a chime coming from Nick's pocket. He grabbed his phone and answered it. "Amaro. Yep. Got it. Coming now." He hung up the phone. "The CSI finally finished processing the scene and released all the evidence. They said there's something we all need to see."

* * *

The entire team, including Barba, sat around a television in Olivia's office. The CSI team had warned them that it was probably best not to play the video on the squad room TV.

They were all horrified by what they were witnessing: their colleague, their friend, strung up like an animal in her underwear being taunted.

 _"Tell me, what are you hiding from your team?"_ Damien Bradley asked on the video.

 _"I am…I was beaten when I was younger."_ Rafael's chest tightened at Kate's admission. He could see the pain on her face. He felt a resurgence of the burning anger he felt towards his father rise inside of him. The intensity and pace at which the fury rose shocked Rafael. He had pushed and buried his childhood so deep that he was sure it would not affect him anymore. He was wrong.

 _"Who hit you?"_

"My brother."

They watched as Kate wriggled around in distress, describing what her brother had done to her. The team needed to watch this video for the investigation, but every single one of them felt sick to the stomach in doing so.

 _"How did you get away from him?"_ Damien asked her.

 _"I didn't!"_

They watched as Kate wailed. Nick hung his head. Amanda had to take a deep breath. All of them had seen horrific things in their times, but watching their friend being tortured like this was on a new level.

 _"I killed him! He came after me and mother with a gun and I stabbed him!"_

All of them looked to the screen in shock. Had they heard that right? They watched as Kate screamed at her admission. They listened in shock the details of her mother disowning her and her name change.

" _When I was in college, I started having…flashbacks…panic attacks. Every time I saw that someone had been stabbed on the news, I couldn't even move… I went to a public mental health office, then to a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with PTSD."_

Olivia shook her head and turned the video off. "That's enough. We've got the transcripts. You can all read them."

"Is what she said true?" asked Carisi.

Olivia sighed. "I don't know. It's in her past. It's not in her record and it's going to stay that way for now."

Carisi began typing on his small tablet.

"Will she get kicked off the force?" Amaro asked, his face covered in sadness and concern.

"That's not my decision. But she didn't lie when applying and she passed her psych eval, so according to policy, she's a sound cop."

"It's true." Carisi announced. "1994. A Robert Wilkonson was killed by his sister, Kate Wilkonson in self-defence." Carisi held up his tablet for the team to see. On the screen was a newspaper article with the school pictures of both Robert and Kate. "She really did change her name." He turned the screen back around and began flicking through the article.

Olivia pulled the tablet out of his hands. "Leave it for now, Carisi."

"So that's why Bradley targeted her?" Amanda asked. "The PTSD?"

"He likes damaged goods," Nick said.

"Kate is not damaged goods, Amaro." Rafael hissed.

The team all stared at him. It was the first thing he had said since they walked into the room.

With all his might, he forced himself into lawyer mode. "Bradley knows he's going down for this." He stood and buttoned his jacket. "It's just a matter of whether he wants to abandon ship or go down with his boat."

"You're going to offer him a plea?" Carisi asked.

"The only plea I want to hear about is Bradley's plea for mercy as we lock him up for life." With that, Barba walked out of the room. He strode to the men's bathroom and locked himself in the stall. He had to take a moment. The images of a woman he cared so much for being in that much pain swirled in his brain. He slammed his fist against the stall.


	12. Monster

**Hi guys! Just letting you know that there's some more drama coming up and some sexy time between our little Rafi and Kate. So stay tuned!**

* * *

It took three days for the swelling on her brain to subside, and it was decided that she should be taken out of the coma. Carisi, Amanda, Nick and Rafael hurried to the hospital to be there when she woke up. Olivia and Finn were embroiled in a paedophile case that they couldn't be torn away from. The team stood outside her room, watching through the glass windows as the doctor reduced the sedative and gave her a shot of adrenaline to boost her system. They waited patiently for any signs of her waking up, but an hour later, there was nothing.

"Sometimes it can take a little longer for the body to re-adjust," The doctor advised.

They were allowed into the room to wait. As time ticked by, Amanda and Carisi were called away to deal with the case. Rafael and Nick sat and waited. Rafael worked on his case, scribbling notes, writing emails and making calls, but he was always glancing towards the unmoving body on the bed.

* * *

Light trickled through her eyelids. Everything in her body ached. It felt as if she had pulled every muscle in her body. The pressure in her brain pounded against her skull. She groaned.

"Kate?" A deep voice said from beside her.

Her eyes flickered open. The artificial light stun her pupils that had become adapted to the darkness of the coma. Slowly, a shape to the side of her came into focus. It was tanned, worried face of Nick Amaro.

"Nick?" Days of not speaking made her voice come out in a crackle.

"Hey." His worry turned to a grin. "You're awake."

She tried to move; prop herself up a little.

"Don't move," Nick advised.

Intense pain radiated down her back as she shifted her weight. "Jesus." As she swore, she looked around the room. It was only then that she noticed a figure flopped in a chair in the corner of the room. From the light in the hall, she saw the sleeping face of Rafael.

Nick noticed her staring at Barba. "He's been here most nights. Comes straight from the office and stays the night. I think he feels guilty – that he let Bradley out."

Kate's heart filled with warmth. She nodded, but knew that wasn't the reason.

Before Kate could respond, Nick yelled Barba's name. He jumped, and looked around disoriented. In an instant, his eyes found Kate's and he launched himself over to her bed, scattering the notes and files he had on his lap.

"You're awake." Rafael said. Kate couldn't help but notice how bad he looked. His normally clean shaved face now grew a beard and dark circles had burrowed under his eyes.

"I'm awake." Kate tried to smile, but the drugs made it difficult. Only one side of her face wanted to move. Rafael had to supress a laugh. "How are you feeling?"

"Fantastic. Like I could run a marathon."

He chuckled at her sarcasm. "Well four days in a coma didn't change your attitude."

She reached out for Nick's hand and gave it a little squeeze. "Nick? Can I have a moment alone with Barba?"

His eyes flickered to Barba and back to Kate. "Sure. I should call the team to tell them that you're awake." Nick walked outside the room and down the corridor.

Kate turned to Rafael. "Can you get him off the streets now?"

His hand reached over and cupped her face gently. His thumb delicately brushed her skin. "I will."

There was a moment of silence between the two before Kate spoke. "Rafael?"

He raised his head and looked her in the eye.

"I want to kiss you."

Rafael stood from his seat, and as delicately as he could, placed his lips on Kate's. He was hesitant and careful, worrying about hurting her. It was brief and soft, but enough in that moment. As soon as the kiss broke, Kate laid her head back on the pillow.

* * *

Rafael and Nick eventually left at seven the next morning. It was a Saturday, and it was Rafael's chance to sleep, shower and shave. Kate was in and out of consciousness for most of the morning until midday.

Olivia came in at one to take her statement. It was strange. Kate had recorded so many statements, it felt odd to have someone take hers. She told the story as well as she could, but she edited out the parts about her PTSD and her brother.

"Is there anything else you're forgetting?" Olivia asked, worry in her eyes. She had expected Kate not to tell her about her past.

"I don't think so…"

Olivia nodded. She wasn't going to push it at this time.

Three hours after Olivia left, Carisi and Amanda came in with a two pepperoni pizzas.

In his thick Brooklyn accent, Carisi said "We figured that all this hospital food would be driving you crazy."

"How you doin' darling?" Amanda asked, placing a caring hand on Kate's arm.

"Better." She smiled. She grabbed a slice and tore into it. Carisi was right. After two meals in the hospital, she was ready for food that wasn't prepacked and microwavable.

"You are one tough broad, Walker." Carisi said, munching on his pizza. "I never realised you had it in you until today."

"Jesus, Carisi." Amanda rolled her eyes. "You're not great with tact, are you?"

"Sorry, I just tell it like it is." He bit into his pizza and talked with his mouth full. "I mean, when I saw that video with you being tied up like that, I couldn't believe that you survived."

"CARISI!" Amanda scolded.

Panic rose in Kate's chest. "Wait…wait, what video?"

"The video that Bradley took of you, hun." Amanda explained.

Her heart clenched, then it felt as if it had shattered. "You saw the video?"

"Everyone on the team did." Carisi said. "It'll make the case a breeze."

Kate's eyes widened. They knew. They knew she had killed her brother. They knew about the PTSD. They knew everything.

Kate's eyes darted around the room. She had to get out, but she had to get rid of them first. "Guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I really need some rest."

Amanda stood up. "Sure thing, hun. Give us a call if you need anything."

"I'll leave the pizza here. See you soon, Walker." Carisi said, placing the pizza on the bedside table.

Kate watched the two detectives walk out of the room. She waited five minutes, to be sure that they were gone, then made a break for it. As she pulled her IV's out, all she could think was that her friends knew about her secrets. Her private life was public for all to see. Most importantly, the man she hoped to be with, knew she had killed. She ran from the hospital as fast as she could. It was time to start over. Again.

* * *

"What do you mean she ran away?" Rafael asked as he stood in Olivia's office, watching the security video footage of Kate stumbling out of her hospital room.

Olivia sighed. "She found out that we had seen the video. We think she panicked once she realised we knew about her brother."

Rafael's brow furrowed. "How did she know?"

"Carisi let it slip."

Rafael glared at Carisi. "You told her that we saw the video?"

"I thought Olivia would have mentioned it when she took her statement," Carisi tried to defend himself, but Barba was having none of it.

"And you have no idea where she is?"

Olivia passed Barba pieces of paper as she talked. "We checked her house, we called all the friends we could find, and we ran her phone and credit cards."

Nick walked into the room at that moment. "Nobody with the names Kate Walker or Kate Wilkonson has flown anywhere in the last ten hours."

"What about buses? Trains?" Barba asked.

"We've got transit cops on the lookout and tech running facial recognition on the security footage at the front desks," Finn replied. "She hasn't used her metro card anywhere."

"She's a cop. She knows how not to be found." Rafael muttered.

An hour passed. Then another. And another. Soon it was close to ten at night. There were no leads. The team had exhausted every opportunity they could think of.

"I've sent out her picture to all the shelters and about one hundred hotels," Nick said, closing his laptop.

Suddenly, a thought entered Rafael's mind. He had an idea of where he might be. "I've got to go. Let me know how it goes."

* * *

Rafael stood outside of El Lugar. His eyes ventured above it, where a run-down hotel stood. He wondered into the bar and over to the bartender area that was really just another section of the bar.

The familiar aging, Spanish man came over to him. " _Hola mi amigo_! What can I for you?"

"Is there a young woman staying here?"

"My bar doesn't do that kind of service, _senor_." The bartender grumbled.

Rafael shook his head. "No. No. She's a friend. I just want to check she's okay."

The bartender stared at him as if he was completing an evaluation. "There's a woman in room eight." Apparently, Rafael had passed the test.

He hurried up the carpeted stairs to room eight. He knocked on the door sharply. It creacked open and a familiar voice came out.

"For god sakes, Miguel I told you not to bother…" Kate's voice faded as she saw Rafael in front of her. "I…I…how…you can't be here."

His eyes were sad. "Kate. Please. Let's talk."

Kate stared past Rafael, trying to decide what to do. Everything in her mind told her to shut the door; shut her New York City life out and start again somewhere else under a new name. Everything in her heart, however, told her that she needed to let him in.

Rafael moved his face into her line of sight. "Kate, no one cares what happened with your brother. No one blames you."

Kate snapped from her haze. "You need to go."

She tried to close the door, but Rafael's hand slapped against the wood, stopping it from closing. "No."

He pushed into the apartment and let the door swing shut behind him. Kate backed away from him as if she was contagious; as if her killer past would rub off onto him.

"I'm not going anywhere," Rafael said calmly. "And neither is anyone else."

Kate could feel the barriers holding in her emotions cracking with each word he spoke. "Please…"

Rafael walked towards her slowly, as if she was a small animal that might scare easily. "We are not going to disown you for what has happened."

His tender fingers grasped her shoulders. With his touch, Kate felt the barriers break. Her face contorted into the very image of pain. Her knees gave out and she collapsed onto her shins.

"I'm a monster!" she wailed.

The hurt Kate was feeling hit Rafael hard. He felt tears in his eyes. "You could never be a monster." He dropped to his knees and embraced her trembling body. He wanted to protect her, cover her in his love so that no one could hurt her this way again. Kate's hands grasped the fabric of his shirt tightly.

"You say that, but one day you'll be sitting and thinking about it and realise that I killed my flesh and blood. Everyone… will realise… what I've done."

Rafael cradled her. "Never…never…" he whispered in her ear.

"How did I let this happen to me? How did I let myself kill him? How did I let myself get taken by Bradley?"

He had never seen someone in this much pain. "Don't blame yourself. Don't ever blame yourself."

Kate cried. She cried for everything she never had a chance to cry for. Her brother. Her mother. Her crushed dreams. Her PTSD. Her old name. Her old life.

Rafael sobbed with her. He held her in his arms and let her wail. As she wept, the strain made her completely fall to the floor. Rafael pulled her head up onto his knees and stroked her face.

An hour passed. They both stopped crying, and just sat in silence. Although their tears had dried, they didn't move.

"I don't know what to do."

He pulled a strand of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. "I think you need to go back to the hospital."

"I don't…I can't do that."

"That's fine, Kate. I'm not going to make you do anything except for one thing. I'm going to make you call your friends…all the people that care about you…Liv, Finn, Nick, Amanda and Sonny. They need to know you're alive."

Kate nodded slowly. "Okay."


	13. Misconstrued

"Kate?" The psychiatrist's voice snapped her from her haze.

"Sorry, what was the question?"

The psychiatric evaluation was something that Kate had been dreading. For two days, she had been huddled in her apartment alone worrying about it. What if she lost her job? What if she was put back on medication? What if they told her she was crazy? Now, as she sat across from her the psychiatrist, forty minutes into her session, she felt just as anxious.

"How do you feel about your friends knowing?" Her new psychiatrist sat across from her, pen and paper in hand. Doctor Margret Murphy was a small woman who emitted calmness from her being. She was neatly presented, softly spoken, and moved with elegance.

Kate wasn't sure how she should answer. "Upset?" she said as if she was a hesitant student responding to a teachers question.

"Why do you sound unsure, Kate?"

She remained silent.

"There is no wrong answer."

"I'm ashamed. There's…there's so many things wrong with me…so many things I've done."

"How did you team take the news?"

Kate bit her right thumbnail. "They… they took it well. They don't treat me any differently."

"Does that surprise you?"

"I'm not sure. They are SVU detectives. They've probably seen worse things. But I'm just not used to the idea that people know about what happened."

Doctor Murphy wrote a few words on her notepad. "Why did you keep it a secret for so long?"

It only took a second for her to answer. "My mother."

"What occurred with your mother?"

"She blamed…she still blames me." It felt so wrong for Kate to talk about this. For so many years, she had kept it hidden and now it was out in the open. "She told me once that she wished I had been the one who died. Ever since then, I haven't been able to trust someone with what happened."

"How did you feel about that?"

"I'm upset."

"Is that all?"

"I…I'm angry, I suppose," she admitted.

Doctor Murphy nodded. "What about?"

"She was my mom. She was supposed to protect me." Kate stood up from the couch. Her recovering body protested loudly when she did so, but she shook it off and began pacing. "That's what mothers are supposed to do, right? Protect their children. But instead she put my head on a spike."

"Have you been in contact with her?"

Kate sighed. "I've called maybe twice in fifteen years. Both times, she…she didn't even speak."

"Have you ever thought about visiting?"

"God no," She leaned against the window and looked out at the city. "I can't even show my face in that town,"

"Do you want to see her?"

A moment of realisation slammed into Kate. "No. I don't." Kate had spent so long thinking about what her life would be like if her mother had stuck by her. Scenes of happy holidays and Sunday dinners had swirled in her mind, but at that moment, the truth became clear. That would never happen, not because her mother had disowned her, but because Kate could never forgive her for what she had done. "I don't want her in my life."

"If your brother had survived, would you want to see him?"

"I…I don't know. Maybe."

The doctor nodded. "Kate, please take a seat." She waited for Kate to wonder back to the couch and sit down. "You've been working so hard to forgive you mother and your brother, you never forgave yourself. You've been carrying around this guilt and its crushing you. Until you can get rid of it, everything in your life will be impacted by it."

Kate put her face into her hands. She knew what the doctor was saying was right. For years after the attack, she justified her brothers and her mother's actions. She had worked to excuse them for what they did, but not once did she think to forgive herself.

Beep. Beep.

Doctor Murphy's stop watch went off. "I'm afraid we are out of time."

"Did I pass?" asked Kate.

The doctor smiled. "There is no pass or fail."

Kate let out a small snort. What a lie.

* * *

Days had gone by as the team investigated. Kate wasn't allowed back in the office on Olivia's orders. The results of the psych evaluation weren't available until the next week, so Kate was looking at days of doing nothing. She tried to keep as busy as possible and her team members helped to cure her boredom some nights. Nick and Carisi came over and watched the game at her apartment one night, and Amanda, Finn and Olivia invited her out to drinks. Rafael called her as often as he could, but his time was spent preparing the case. So, most of her days were spent running. All she did was run. As her feet pounded on the pavement, something in the back of her head screamed at her to run faster from what was behind her. She ran every morning and every afternoon.

Kate found herself showering three times more than she used to. She was never felt clean. She couldn't sleep normally either. There would be nights of insomnia then she would sleep fourteen hours.

She was settling into one of these nights of sleeplessness when there was a knock at her door. Through the peephole, she saw the goofy face of Carisi. She yanked the doorknob.

He held up a bag filled with boxes. "I bought Chinese. Are you hungry?"

Kate smiled and gestured for him to come inside. He plonked himself down on her couch and unpacked the goods. "I've got fried rice, Singapore noodles, sweet and sour pork and orange chicken."

She sat next to him and grabbed the pork. "Thanks, Carisi."

"Sonny…" he reminded her, turning on the television. With one hand, he pulled off his tie and started unboxing the orange chicken. "You can thank me by watching re-runs of Miami Vice with me,"

"Of course you're a Miami Vice fan," Kate chuckled. "You know how to show a girl a good time."

They watched three episodes all while cracking jokes about the cheesy dialogue and pointing at the characters and saying "that's you" to each other. They finished the Chinese food and they're bellies were so full that Carisi had to unbuckle his belt and un- tuck his shirt. Kate got them pillows and blankets, and they laid down on the couch rubbing their bloated bellies.

It was one in the morning when there was another knock at the door.

"That's probably your mother wondering why she raised a son to like Miami Vice," Kate joked.

"Hey, Miami Vice is an American institution," Carisi said, jumping up and heading over to the door. He looked through the peephole and chuckled. He pulled open the door with a smirk. "Barba, you really are burning the midnight oil."

Rafael stood shocked in front of Carisi. His eyes saw the loosened shirt, the unbuckled belt and lack of shoes... all at one in the morning. Anger flared up inside of him.

"I'm here to see Walker." He said through gritted teeth.

"Woah, Barba, are you having coffee withdrawals?" Carisi joked.

Rafael glared at him, unamused.

"She's in the living room," Carisi stepped aside and waved him in.

When Rafael rounded the corner, he saw Kate on her couch surrounded by a mountain of messy pillows and blankets. He could feel his heart breaking in half. _You're not special and you never were_ , his mind told him.

He shoved his emotions deep inside himself.

"Barba?" Kate felt a bubbly of happiness rise in her stomach. She hadn't seen him since the night he had rescued her from El Lugar.

"I'm here about the Bradley case." He said sternly.

Kate was slightly taken aback by the aggressive tone in his voice. "What...what is it?"

"He's pleaded not guilty by reason of mental defect,"

She pushed herself off the couch cushions. "How can he do this?"

"It's his right." Rafael didn't look her in the eyes. "Come to my office tomorrow at midday."

"Okay, I'll be..."

Before she could finish, Rafael walked away from her with a sharp "Good". He stormed out the door without even a goodbye.

Once he was gone, Carisi and Kate looked at each other.

"What was that about?" asked Carisi.

Kate frowned. She wasn't sure what was wrong with Rafael. "I don't know."

Carisi settled back down onto the couch, but Kate couldn't get comfortable. All she could do was worry about Rafael.

* * *

Rafael leaned against the elevator wall as it shot up to his apartment. His head rested in one of his hands. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let Kate make him feel the way he did? He slammed his fist against the wall.

"No," he whispered to himself. "I'm not doing this."

He pulled his phone from his coat pocket, searched through his contacts and pressed 'call'.

The phone rang five times before the familiar voice picked up. "I've got a case to prepare for Barba," Margret Harris, Bradley's attorney, said from the end of the line. "So do you."

"Want to come to my house for a drink?"

"You know I can't talk shop with you."

"We're two friends having a drink, Maggie. I need a break from prepping this case and I'm sure you do too."

There was a moment of silence on the other end, followed by a light chuckle. "I can't believe I'm saying this but...sure."

Rafael gave her his address, then hung up the phone.

* * *

Margret Harris laid in Rafael's bed the next morning. He couldn't believe what he had done. He hadn't only slept with someone he didn't feel anything for just to spite Kate, but he had jeopardised his case.

There was no way he could deal with the situation at that moment. As quickly as he could, he dressed himself, grabbed his briefcase and left the house. As he drove, an internal debate raged inside his head. One side of himself felt horrible for sleeping with Harris and stopping anything happening with Kate, but on the other side he was angry that Kate had slept with Carisi.

Dread filled his body when he thought about the meeting with Kate later that day. He had no idea how he was going to react and that made him feel out of control. There had never been a time in his life when someone had made him feel so unsure of himself.


	14. Hurt

"What do you mean you can't find the videos?!" Olivia yelled into the phone. She sat at the squad room table with Barba, Amaro and Finn. "You've got to be kidding me." She said as she slammed the phone down.

"No videos?" asked Nick.

She shook her head. The team had spent the last three days trying to find the videos of the other girls to add to the case, but all their searches had come up empty. Nothing in his house, at his work, on his computer or at the abandoned building site where he had taken Kate. Since Bradley had given Kate the names of a number of other victims, they had been working almost non-stop to get enough evidence to bring separate individual charges against him. It had not been going well, however. Another of the girls on the list Bradley had made committed suicide, one was in prison, and another had just been committed to a mental institution in Florida. Those who were still living were unable or unwilling to testify.

"Okay…" Barba sighed. He opened his notepad and began scribbling down notes. "Without the videos, I doubt we can get a conviction on the rapes he admitted to with Walker. There's no complaining witness."

"So they just go un-punished?" Nick said, outraged.

"I can bring the charges to the grand jury, but I doubt we will get an indictment on them. If I get him behind bars, he can't hurt anyone else," explained Barba. "We've still got Kate and three willing witnesses from the last trial. That should be enough."

"I thought they were 'unreliable'?" Finn chimed in.

"That's not the route the defence is taking. They don't care about whether or not it happened anymore. They are going to say that he did it, but he was out of his mind when he did so."

"We've got the video of him torturing Kate. We've got his confession. There's no way that he can dispute that." Olivia said.

"But you've seen that video." Barba pulled out a copy of the transcript of the video. "Does he sound like a man who is playing with a full set of marbles? He gets excited when he hears about abuse. He talks about rape with no emotion. He doesn't even flinch when she tells him about her stabbing her brother."

Olivia ripped the transcript from his hands angrily. "There's a difference between mental illness and being a sick bastard, Barba." She leaned in close to his face. "This man is a psychopath. He doesn't have an illness that affects his morals. He doesn't have any morals."

She pulled away from him and straightened up. "We keep looking for those videos."

* * *

Kate hadn't slept that night. The Miami Vice marathon had ended at 3, and she offered the couch to Carisi which he gratuitously accepted. While he slept, Kate read a novel. Carisi awoke at seven and rushed to work, telling Kate to take care of herself.

With five hours until she had to be at Rafael's office, Kate did the only thing she knew how to do. She ran. Her route hadn't changed for days. It allowed her to tune out and just focus on the beat of her footsteps. It was the only time she could escape from her thoughts and achieve real peace.

Later that day, she sat on the subway. She spent much of the ride thinking about what had been wrong with Rafael the previous night. Was it Bradley? Was it the case? Did something happen with his mother? She knew that as soon as she got to his office she was going to ask him.

When she arrived, Judy his receptionist told her to take a seat as he was in a meeting. Kate slumped in the chair near the door to his office. She allowed her head to flop back and lean on the glass wall behind her. It was only then that she realised that the door had been left slightly ajar. It wasn't wide open, rather there was just an inch or two of space between the door and the frame. She could hear the voices through the crack, and her curiosity got the better of her. She listened in.

"We've got to agree that what happened last night won't affect the case," Rafael's voice said. It was stern, but there was a hunt of worry mixed in.

Kate frowned, and listened closer.

"We are on the same page," a familiar female voice replied. Kate instantly recognised it as Margret Harris. She lightly turned her head and peeked in through the door. Harris was close to Rafael, leaning way too close to him for the conversation to be profession. "Last night was fun, Rafael, but I've got a case to win."

Kate gripped the seat. What had happened the night before?

"Good." Rafael turned away from her and sat in his large leather chair.

Harris followed him like prey. She tilted close to him, and with a single finger snapped one of his suspenders. "After we battle it out in the courts, we could battle in out in the sheets again," she propositioned.

Kate's mouth dropped open. Confusion pulsed through her body. Her eyes moved side to side frantically. Harris and Rafael? No. Never. He could never do that.

"Some stress relief for the both of us?" she continued.

Rafael glanced away from her and started working on the papers in front of him. "Maybe."

Kate had never realised how much she felt for Rafael until that moment. The icy tendrils of rage, sadness and confusion encased her heart. She had let this man into her life, into her real life, told him how she felt and what she had done. He had taken that and crushed it.

"I'll see you around, Rafael."

Kate straightened up and tried to look busy. Harris emerged from his office with a sly smile on her face. They met eyes for a moment. Kate swore she could see victory in her eyes. She strutted off.

Judy walked into Rafael's office, quickly told him that Kate was there, then gestured for Kate to go in.

It took a moment for her to compose herself. She swallowed her emotions as she entered the office.

"Kate." The aggression from the night before was gone.

She did care. Through clenched teeth, she almost hissed "Barba."

Rafael was slightly shocked by Kate calling him Barba, especially while they were alone. More than that, her tone was harsh.

"What was Harris doing here?" Kate asked, knowing exactly why the defence attorney had been there.

"The Bradley case," he lied. He turned around and pulled files from his draw.

Kate rolled her eyes while his back was turned. Rafael had shown Kate that he could be tough, determined, and unforgiving at work, and gentle, caring and supportive behind the scenes, but she never expected him to be this person she was seeing in that second.

"Right," she said, not believing his lies. "So, what do you want me for?"

"I need to go over what you are going to say to the grand jury."

"Fine."

The work they had to do kept Kate from exploding. She knew the Bradley case was more important than anything else at that time. They spoke to each other short and sharply. The only time they communicated in more than one sentence was when Kate was answering practice questions.

After an hour of 'rehearsal' as Rafael had once called it, Kate had had enough.

"Are we almost done?"

"Just a few more questions."

With pursed lips, she nodded her head.

Rafael noticed her look and paused. "Is everything okay?"

The anger inside of her begged to be released, but she pushed it down. She needed to see if he would tell her what happened.

"I'm just tired. Carisi kept me up all last night."

"Fine." Rafael's voice turned cold and sharp.

Kate couldn't be bothered to deal with him in that moment. She rose and pulled on her coat. She wanted to get out of there as quick as possible.

"Hopefully we won't have a repeat of the last trial," he added.

Her eyes widened. "Excuse me?" Her voice climbed to a yell. There was no hiding how angry she was anymore. That comment had snapped any control she had.

The defensive tone in Kate's voice instantly made Rafael go on the offensive. "We all know what happened last time…"

"Where the hell is this coming from?"

"I'm just telling the truth."

Kate took a step back from him and shook her head. The volume of her voice was gone. "Did I miss something?" He had no right to be angry at her, especially after what he had done. "Are you doing this to make yourself feel better?"

"I'm giving you the facts, Kate. You have shown me that you are not a reliable witness on the stand."

They were clearly not talking about the same thing.

Her eyes stared into his. All she could see was anger. What had happened to the Rafael that had held her while she cried on the floor only a week ago? There was nothing more she could say to him. All the words slipped from her grasp. She turned and walked from the room.

"Where are you going?!" his voice yelled from behind her. "You can't just leave!"

But leave she did. She left that office angry, confused and upset. Most of all, she was just so exhausted.

* * *

The grand jury convened three days later. The hope was the get an indictment on nine counts of rape, one count of attempted rape, ten counts of kidnapping, and ten counts of torture.

Carisi drove Kate to the courthouse, where she was met by the rest of the team, all of whom had been called to testify. She was happy to see everyone all together, but there was one face there that caused her to look down. Rafael. Through narrowed eyes, he watched as Carisi and Kate entered the court room together and came to a stop in front of the group.

Rafael gave the team instructions. Finn, Carisi and Rollins were to give testimony about the investigation of Bradley, while Olivia and Amaro were to talk about finding Kate and the re-arrest.

When he turned to Kate, his gaze was like ice. "You. Only talk about the kidnapping and attack. Nothing more."

"Fine."

The entire team stiffened a little as they spoke. When Rafael walked away from the group, a shocked Olivia looked at Kate. "What's that about?"

All Kate could do was huff and utter a short "Long story."

After many testimonies, the process was over. During Kate's turn, both she and Rafael had pushed any hate and rage down to put on a good performance.

The team waited for the grand jury to deliberate. Kate sat with Nick on a bench discussing the current case they were working on. Hearing about it made her yearn that she was back at work.

Suddenly, Olivia appeared in front of them. "Nick, the parents want to talk to us."

Nick jumped up, apologized to Kate for having to leave, then hurried off to the other case.

As soon as he was gone, a coffee was held in front of her. Her eyes followed the arm and laid on Carisi. She took the cup graciously.

"Thanks,"

He sat down next to her and started cracking jokes. Kate smiled. She was so lucky to have him. He was the brother she _should_ have had instead of the abusive one.

She laughed at his corny joke and playfully hit him. But just at that moment, Rafael emerged from the grand jury. His face fell as soon as he saw them.

"We've got an indictment," he said harshly.

Kate and Carisi shot up.

"They didn't go for the charges without a complaining witness," he explained.

"What are we left with?" asked Carisi.

"Two counts rape, one attempted rape, three kidnapping and three counts of torture,"

Kate closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. "He'll be off the streets at least,"

Carisi clamped a hand on Kate's shoulder. "Come on. I'll give you a ride home."

As Kate and Carisi walked from the court, she met Rafael's eyes. All she could see was anger. All her eyes held was confusion.


	15. Shattered

The elevator ride up to the SVU office made Kate miss her normal life. It had been weeks now since she had been in the office. She missed work. She missed the horrific cases. She missed the long hours. She missed the hard work. Most of all, she missed her team, and they missed her too. They all jumped up from their desks with smiles as soon as they saw her. For a split second, everything felt like it was back to normal. But that's the problem with split seconds. They pass so quickly.

Nick embraced her in a hug. "It's good to see you, Kate."

She hugged him back. "You too."

Rollins hugged her next. "You've got to come back. These men are driving me crazy." She whispered in Kate's ear.

Finn squeezed her quickly. Kate could tell he wasn't one for human contact, but the short embrace showed that he cared, even if he didn't say anything.

"When am I going to get my partner back?" Carisi asked, wrapping one arm around Kate's shoulders.

Kate tapped the yellow and green tie around Carisi's neck. "When you throw out that horrible tie,"

"I told him it was bad!" Nick laughed.

Carisi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Really though, when are you coming back?"

Kate sighed. "Whenever IAB decides that I'm fit. I've got a meeting with Tucker and Olivia in five minutes actually."

"Tucker likes to drag his feet," Nick said.

Kate nodded. If anyone on the team understood IAB, it was Nick who had been unlucky enough to be their target more than once.

"Kate," Olivia's voice came from behind her.

Kate turned to look at her.

"Let's go."

Olivia and Kate rode together in the elevator up to the ninth level. Kate breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. Olivia grasped Kate's shoulder tightly as a show of support.

Tucker sat in a large meeting room with his partner. They stood as the sergeant and detective entered.

Tucker nodded at Olivia, then offered Kate his hand. "Lieutenant Tucker," He gestured to the man beside him. "This is Sergeant Martin."

Kate and Olivia took a seat on the other side of the desk.

"This is a difficult case," Tucker began. "You were involved in a crime prior to your employment with the police force. We are unsure if your past makes you a suitable detective."

Kate was determined to fight this out. "I was never convicted."

Sergeant Martin leaned forward, placing his hands on the table. "The issue is that had the police force known of the incident, then you never would have been employed."

"She took down a serial abuser. Had she done that while on the job, she would be given a medal," Olivia intervened.

"But she wasn't on the job and it was her brother," Tucker retorted. "And Sergeant, you are here as a curtesy."

Oliva leaned back into her chair, her face filled with annoyance.

"Your psych eval came back with signs of PTSD, which we expected considering you yourself admitted to having the illness. Your psychologist advised us it would be best for you to continue counselling if you were to resume work." Martin said.

"So, I see a shrink once a week and I'm back on the job?" The question was filled with hope.

"Well…our issue is that at this stage we are unsure if you should comeback," Tucker revealed.

It felt like Tucker reached into her chest and pulled out what was left of her heart. She had to cover her eyes with her hand in case the tears she was holding back slipped out.

"It is IAB's decision that we are going to put you on paid leave until the conclusion of the trial. You will undertake weekly psychological treatment, and a re-evaluation will take place at the end of this period."

This was exactly what she had hoped wouldn't happen. She had been put in limbo once again. It would be weeks of her wondering if she was ever going to get her job back. A few days of the unknown had been driving her crazy. What would she be like at the end of a few weeks?

"And what if I pass the eval? Will I ever be allowed in the field again?"

Tucker pressed his lips together and looked at Kate for a moment before he spoke. "That will be decided after your results come back, Detective."

Kate felt Olivia place a hand on her arm for comfort, but in that moment no one could do anything to make her feel better. The last week had broken her down so much and it was getting all too much.

Tucker pushed a pen and a piece of paper towards her. "We need you to sign to say that you understand IAB's current decision."

She grabbed the pen, signed as quickly as she could and almost threw the paper back to Tucker.

"Thank you, Detec…"

Before Tucker could finish, Kate stormed from the room. She couldn't stand the thought of standing still in an elevator, so she ran the eleven floors to the street. When she got there, she looked at the gloomy skies above her. She expected to cry; for tears to come rushing out of her eyes and to almost collapse. But instead, her mind was so numb and so tired that she simply sighed, wrapped her coat around her and began walking home.

* * *

The team saw the furious storm that was Sergeant Olivia Benson power back into the room. Her face was enraged, her mouth pressed into a hard line and her eyes narrowed.

"Serg, what happened?" Nick asked, standing from his desk.

"Kate isn't coming back. At least, not until the trial."

The room filled with collective confusion and anger.

"IAB said that they are unsure if Kate is stable enough to be on the job," Olivia explained.

"This isn't right, man." Finn sighed. "IAB just wants to cover their asses."

"Where's Kate?" Carisi asked.

Olivia grimaced. "She left as soon as the meeting was over."

Carisi jumped up from his desk and pulled on his suit jacket. "Serg, can I…"

"Go find her, Carisi."

As Carisi grabbed his keys and left, Nick moved close to Olivia and talked softly. "The trial could take months. You know IAB hates SVU. We've got to do something about this."

Olivia held up her hand as if she was telling Nick to stop. "I'll make a few calls. I've got to call Barba too. He needs to know his star witness just got suspended."

"What's happened?" Barba walked into Olivia's office and closed the door.

Olivia put down the folder she was reading and pulled off her glasses. "Kate. She's been suspended by IAB. They don't think she's fit for duty just yet."

"How is she?" Even though there was anger in his heart, he still cared for her.

"I couldn't tell you. Carisi's with her now. This is the worst thing that could have happened to her right now."

Barba pursed his lips at the mention of Carisi. "Maybe it's for the best."

The wave of shock hit Olivia hard. "What? How could you say that?"

"I don't think she's fit to be working at the moment." There was anger in his voice. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew what he was saying wasn't right, but red fury had pushed him to keep talking.

"Barba. You know nothing about Kate and who she is."

He huffed. "I know a lot more about her than you all think I do."

Olivia stood from her desk and strode over to him. They stared at each other as if it was a western shoot out. "You have never been a cop, Barba. She needs to be doing something. Working."

"Right now, she's out of control. I wouldn't want a detective like that working a case."

"She may be working through some issues, but you're talking about her like she can't even function."

Barba huffed. "She's sacrificing the case for her personal life."

"What are you talking about?"

Everything in his mind told him that he should say what he was about to say, but it came spilling out. "She's sleeping with Carisi,"

"She's what?"

"Walker. Carisi. Sleeping together," he said bluntly.

"I know my team, Barba. She's not sleeping with him."

He pursed his lips. "Well you obviously don't know your team as well as you think you do."

The text from Olivia to meet her at a diner came through at six P.M. Kate dressed quickly, pulling on jeans and a sweatshirt, and headed to the subway.

* * *

The diner Olivia had chosen had a strange mixture between 2000's modern décor and 1950's décor. Olivia was waiting for Kate at the counter, a cup of coffee nestled between her hands and her phone in front of her.

Kate slid onto the stool next to her. "Hey, Serg."

Olivia placed her phone on the counter and pulled off her thick rimmed black glasses. "Good to see you, Kate. How are you going with everything?"

A shrug was the only response she could give her.

The waitress came over and Kate ordered a black coffee and a plate of fries.

"Kate, I've been on the job longer than anyone in the team," Olivia rubbed her forehead. "I know what it does to you…especially when you're…you're the victim."

"Yeah," she replied, half-heartedly.

"Kate." Olivia waited until she would meet her eyes. "I know how it feels when you are suddenly the victim."

Something clicked in Kate's head. Her Sergeant had been at SVU for over sixteen years now, and stories had circulated around the forces about her tough, no-nonsense attitude. But Kate knew that that sort of toughness and determination always came from somewhere.

"I never knew. If I…"

"I don't talk about it a lot." She sipped her coffee.

Kate didn't know what to say or how to react. She needed to know about it though. "What happened?"

Olivia sighed. "When you've been in this job as long as me, bad things happen all the time," Her eyes never left her coffee. "I was broken for a long time. I went to a really dark place after it happened. I don't want to see you go there."

"I feel like everything is crumbling, Liv."

Olivia spun her stool around to Kate and leaned forward. She placed a hand on Kate's arm. "Kate, we are your friends. We will always be there for you."

It felt good to have someone behind her to catch her when she fell, but that feeling didn't last long.

"And when you come out of your dark place, I don't want you to regret the things you did."

A confused look appeared on Kate's face. "What do you mean?"

"I know sometimes people get close to their partner. My old partner was the best man I've ever known. But it's important not to take it too far."

"I…I really don't know what you're talking about." In the back of her mind, she panicked that she may be talking about Rafael.

"Carisi's a good man, Kate, but you two should just be partners."

"What?!"

"You…"

"I am not sleeping with Carisi!" Kate yelled, louder than she should have in the small diner. "Who told you that?"

Olivia frowned. "They were probably just mistaken."

"Liv. Please. Who told you?"

She shook her head in disbelief then sighed. "Barba. He told me that he saw you and Carisi together."

"Wha…what?" Kate was close to screaming. "I'm going to kill him."


	16. Numb

**Sorry I left you hanging and didn't update at my normal speed. It was Australia Day here. Hope you guys like this chapter, and just letting you know that the hot and heavy stuff starts next chapter!**

* * *

The rage that coursed through Kate's body was so strong she could feel her fingers curling into fists. She stormed into Rafael's office like an unstoppable tornado of fury.

Rafael jumped as the door flung open.

Judy stood in with him handing him folders. She immediately frowned like an irritated school teacher when she saw Kate. "You can't just come barging in here without an appointment."

Kate never took her eyes off Rafael while she replied. "Shove your appointment up your ass, Judy."

The secretary huffed and looked towards her boss as if for backup. He waved off, and walked behind his desk.

Kate waited until the door was closed before she exploded. "Where do you get off telling Olivia that I slept with Carisi?!"

Rafael's shoulders rose defensively. His eyes narrowed. "You've already lost me this case once. I'm not going to let your and Carisi's pathetic romance loose it for me this time."

"What the hell are you talking about?" she roared.

He slammed down the folder that he was holding on the desk, and strode over close to Kate. His face was only a foot from hers. "Do you want Bradley behind bars? Or do you want him on the street? Because the way you're acting, it's making me believe you want him to be free."

She slapped him.

It was hard, sharp and filled with rage.

He flinched, and lightly touched his cheek in shock.

"How dare you," Kate clenched her teeth together, and struggled not to cry. "How dare you talk to me like that. How dare you tell me that I'm losing you a case, that I want Bradley free."

He walked back behind his desk, rubbing his face. "I expect this sort of office romance bullshit from Rollins and Amaro, but not Carisi…and definitely not you. I thought you were better than that."

"Yeah, well, I thought you were a good man," Kate grasped onto one of the leather chairs in front of her so tightly her knuckles turned white. "I'm not sleeping with Carisi. I was never sleeping with Carisi."

"I may be a fool for feeling something for you Kate, but I'm not a complete idiot. I know what I saw."

Kate was taken aback. "What did you see?"

"Carisi looked awfully comfortable at your apartment a few nights ago,"

Kate felt the emotions take over her. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was overwhelming. She bent over and leaned her head against the chair. "This is insane." She straightened up and ran her hands through her hair. "Carisi was not at my apartment for sex. He was there being my friend."

Rafael scoffed.

Kate felt out of control. She felt like she was grasping onto the tinniest straw, and was so close to letting it go.

"This is about Harris, isn't it? You want to justify sleeping with a defence attorney, so you've concocted this story about me and Carisi."

Rafael eyes widened as she mentioned Harris. "The only reason I slept with Harris is because I realised there was nothing between us. You were too busy with Carisi."

Kate was stunned into silence. The image she had of him shattered. She actually took a step away from him.

Suddenly, she appeared calm. This wasn't the case, however. She had let go of that final straw and her mind was running out of control.

In a defeated voice, Kate almost whispered as she spoke. "Okay, Rafael…I don't know what you think you saw, but there is nothing going on with me and Carisi. And the fact that you went and slept with someone to specifically hurt me or pay me back for something I didn't do just shows me that you're not the man I thought you were." She shook her head in disbelief and backed away from him towards the door. "Please…just stay away from me."

She stormed from the office.

Rafael stood in shocked silence for minutes on end. Then in one sudden movement he grabbed his coffee mug that sat on the desk and pegged it at the wall. It shattered.

* * *

Kate's feet pounded on the ground. She was running faster and harder than she ever had before. She had never been fitter. Running five miles had turned into six miles then eight then ten.

She was powering along her street, finishing up her tenth mile when she saw Finn and Rollins leaning on their car out the front of her apartment block. She slowed to a jog and stopped in front of them.

Their solemn looks instantly told her something was wrong.

"What's happened?"

Rollins didn't look her in the eye. "Olivia wants to have a chat with you."

Finn pulled open the door for Kate and nodded for her to get in. "She wants us to give you a ride there."

She frowned. There was something very wrong.

"Can I at least shower?"

After a minute shower, she slid in the back of the car. The ride over was silent much to Kate's annoyance. She probed Rollins and Finn, but neither of them would let it slip.

As the two detectives escorted Kate up to the SVU squad room in the elevator, Kate turned to Rollins. "Please, Amanda. What's happening?"

Amanda looked away from her, but Kate could see something in her eyes that made her panic.

"You can't let me go in there blind. Please." Kate begged.

The elevator doors slid open and Finn gently nudged her to move. As they guided her through the squad room, Kate met the eyes of Nick and Carisi. Nick's brow furrowed and his face was plastered with sadness, while Carisi instantly looked away from her and made himself busy.

Kate came to an abrupt stop. "What the hell is going on here?!"

"Kate…" Finn tried to calm her.

"No! Not one of you can look me in the eyes. What's happening?"

"Kate." Olivia came out of her office with a grimace on her face.

Beside her stood Rafael who, just like everyone else, wasn't meeting her gaze. Just the sight of Rafael made her furious and sad all at the same time. Olivia waved Kate over to her and into her office. Once the door was closed and Kate was sitting on one of the leather chairs, Olivia took a seat across from her. Rafael sat beside her.

Kate's eyes slid side to side, watching each of them. "Is this an intervention or something?"

"Have you seen the paper this morning?" Olivia asked.

Kate's face dropped. "No. What is it?"

Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. "The New York Times ran a story this morning…about you."

"What?!" Panic pulsed through Kate's body.

With sad eyes, Olivia held out the paper.

Kate snatched it from her hand.

"I'd prepare yourself, Kate," said Rafael.

She pulled apart the folded newspaper and read the headline.

Her hand covered her mouth in shock. "Oh my god,"

 _The Killer Cop and the Serial Rapist: a Match Made in Heaven_ was written in bold across the front page, along with Kate's police ID photo and a picture of Bradley.

She read through the article. It had everything in it – her abuse, the death of her brother, her PTSD, her attack and all the information on the Bradley case. The details about the abuse were too specific. It gave dates, times and names only one person could know. Rafael and Olivia watched her eyes read the story line by line. They saw her face grow more and more upset with each word.

She finished the article and lowered the newspaper. Everything was over. Her career. This case. Her life. Her head dropped back and rested on the seat.

"We don't know how they got the information, but we're investigating," Olivia said.

"I'll be prosecuting them to the full extent of the law," added Rafael.

"The only people that know the full details of your past are the SVU team."

Kate sighed, and closed her eyes. "No they're not."

"What?" he asked.

"They're not the only people who know."

Olivia stood up, walked around her desk and bent down in front of Kate. "Who else…"

"My mother," Kate interrupted. She lifted her head off the seat and opened her eyes. "My mother knows."

Olivia blinked, shocked. "Oh Kate, I'm so sorry."

Kate was numb. It didn't matter anymore. She looked straight through Olivia. "It's okay." Her voice was lifeless. "What did I expect?"

"Kate…" Rafael lightly touched her arm.

It was as if his touch gave her an electric shock. She jumped from her seat. "I've got to go."

Rafael and Olivia stood also.

"You're a good cop, Kate. You'll bounce back from this." Olivia said.

Kate shook her head slowly. "No. No. I won't. Everywhere I go, I'll be the cop that killed her brother. I'm giving my fourteen days' notice, Olivia."

"I'm not taking them."

"What's left for me here? What's left for me as a cop?" She turned her back to them. "Nothing."

Kate threw her badge onto Olivia's desk and hurried from the room.

* * *

Kate found herself sitting in the stairwell once again. Four flights down from the SVU office, she leaned against the wall. She had never been so tired, yet so awake. Her mind was exhausted. It had spent so long hiding, so long recovering, so long trying to work through what had happened that it had worn itself out. Now the thought of having to re-start a life somewhere else just made it more drained.

Her weary mind had blocked out and sound, so she jumped when she felt someone brush up against her. She looked over and saw Rafael taking a seat. There was a moment when she was readying herself to feel angry and upset, but the numbness took over. She looked away from him.

Rafael looked down, ashamed for what he had done and the pain he had caused. "I'm sorry, Kate."

She sighed. "I'm tired, Rafael." The emptiness in her voice hurt him. He could hear how much she was hurting, and he had been the one to hurt her. "I'm just…so tired."

"I've done so many bad things in my time that I feel guilty about…but nothing can compare to how I feel knowing I've cause you pain."

"I can't…I can't keep doing this. I won't. I've spent my whole life trying to forgive people, Rafael."

"You don't have to forgive me, Kate. You never have to forgive me. All I'm asking it that you know that I'm sorry."

Kate turned to look at him with vacant eyes. "Do you want to know why it hurt so much? You were the first person who knew who I was…what I had done…and still wanted to be around me."

"I still want to be around you. What I did had nothing to do with your past. I feel for you so much, you have to understand that."

"I feel for you so much too."

"Please…please…just give me a chance to make this right."

Kate sighed. "Rafael, I won't be hurt again."

"I won't hurt you again," Rafael gently touched her hand.

They sat in silence for a long time. Déjà vu hit both of them, reminding them of the first time they had kissed in that very stairwell. That moment had been filled with innocent attraction and comfort. It was so far away from them now.


	17. Testimony

The court room was bustling with excitement, dread and nervousness. Parents lead their victimised children to the front few seats. The team, including Kate, sat in the second row.

Nick leaned over to Kate. "You really should be up there," he whispered, pointing to the three previous victims sitting in front of them.

"No." She refused to sit with them. She didn't feel like her attack was as valid as those girls because she wasn't raped. If she sat with them, it would feel like she was lying to herself and the world.

Harris sat at the front of the courtroom with Bradley beside her. He was dressed up in a blue suit and a grey tie. Kate remembered at prosecutor once stating "Grey is the colour people associate with truth."

Although the sight of Harris caused an anger to burn inside her, the stress of the trial flooded over her, extinguishing the fiery rage.

The press both inside the court and in the corridor were savages. Inside, they had taken up the back three rows of seats. They sat, pens poised over paper, scanning the room.

Outside, it was chaos. Camera's flashed. People pushed. As their eyes scanned over lawyers and landed on the victims, their faces changed. They turned into hungry lions that had just seen a piece of meat. News anchors forced microphones into people's faces.

"How are you dealing with the rape?"

"Do you think you can forgive him?"

"What will you do if he is acquitted?"

Kate had been lucky enough to be sheltered by her loyal team when she was walking in. The vultures couldn't get a piece of her.

Once the doors were closed, the camera clicks and shouting disappeared. The trial began. Harris and Rafael's opening arguments opposed each other perfectly. When Harris said that Bradley was mentally ill, Rafael said that it was simply a convenient excuse. When she said that Bradley was a victim to his own mind, Rafael quickly reminded the jury who the real victims were. When she talked of his attacks as if they were something that he couldn't help, he reminded them who had raped these young girls.

The victim from 2001, Annabeth Greyson, took the stand first. Once again, she went through the kidnap and rape that she had experienced all those years ago. Rafael uttered a heartfelt 'thank you' and took a seat.

Harris stood from her chair and began pacing the middle of the courtroom. "Miss Greyson, as we have established, you suffered from depression in 2001?"

"Yes."

"Could you tell me how that felt?"

Annabeth frowned. "I'm sorry?"

Harris walked a touch closer to her. "Could you explain to the jury what having depression feels like?"

"I...I can't really put it into words. It's like you're carrying this weight on your back. And even when you're smiling and having fun, you can still feel the pressure and the sting that it's putting on your body. You feel out of control."

"It sounds terrible."

"It is,"

Kate's eyes jumped from Harris to Annabeth like she was watching a tennis match.

"What are some of the changes that happened in your life during this time?"

Rafael didn't even rise from his seat, rather he just looked to the judge. "Is this going anywhere?"

The judge leaned over to Harris. "This isn't an after school special, Counsellor. Is this relevant to your case?"

"It is, your honour," she replied.

The judge nodded, then gestured for Annabeth to respond.

"I stopped going to school. I lost touch with my family. I fought with my friends."

"Do you regret what happened during this time?"

"Yes, but it was like it wasn't me…like I wasn't the one fighting with the people I loved."

Harris walked right up to her. "Annabeth, mental illness is a terrible thing. But you say that you regret what you did, that it wasn't you, but your illness." She paused and leaned in close to Annabeth. "So why isn't my client given the same privilege?"

"That's not the same!"

"Isn't it?" Harris turned to the jury. "You say that you felt out of control, and you did things that you now regret. What if Damien Bradley is exactly the same as you, Annabeth? You can't have it both ways."

"I won't…"

"No more questions," Harris interrupted before taking a seat.

Rafael sighed. It was a good argument. The two other cross examinations were similar, but the other victims knew to describe their illnesses in terms that could not be used to help Damien Bradley. Even Maddison, who was only twelve, described her issues clearly and faced against Harris with strength.

"I call Detective Kate Walker to the stand," Rafael said.

Kate had been waiting for her chance. She had pushed all her nerves down, and when she took the stand she was calm and ready. The moment her eye met Damien Bradley's, determination spurred up inside of her. The grin on his face drove her to give a good testimony.

"Detective Walker, could you please explain to us what occurred on October second?" Rafael asked her.

"I accompanied my team to the Bradley residence to issue an arrest warrant. When we arrived, shots were heard. We entered the premise and found a wounded female victim who had been shot. Myself and Detective Carisi went to clear the rest of the house. At that time, Detective Carisi was knocked out and a chemical soaked rag was placed over my mouth. I quickly passed out."

"What happened when you woke up?"

Kate sighed. Her eyes darkened as she continued the story. "I realised I had been stripped and hung upside down by my feet in an empty building."

"Was there anyone there with you?"

"Yes, Damien Bradley."

"What occurred while you were hung upside down?"

"Bradley decided he wanted to 'play a game' as he put it. He said that each bit of information I gave him about myself, he would give me the name of a girl he had raped."

"And you agreed?"

Kate nodded.

"What did he ask you about?"

"My past. My brother…he abused me for many years, then one day when a threatened me with a gun and ... I stabbed him. I was shunned by my family and my community. Later in life, I developed PTSD." She kept it short, straight and to the point.

"What occurred after you told him about your past?"

Kate took a small breath. "He said he was getting bored, so he pulled out a mattress. He cut me down from the beam."

Rafael's brow furrowed. "After he cut you down?"

"I fell onto the mattress, and then I heard his pants being unzipped. My team arrived just in time."

Rafael grabbed the remote, walked over to the court TV and switched it on. "People's exhibit one four two. I would now like to present this video to the court. This was discovered when Detective Walker was rescued from Damien Bradley."

The video was at least an hour long. Kate wanted to leave the room. She didn't want to go through this again, but she pushed through. The jury needed to see her reacting to the video; needed to understand the impact what had happened had on her. Kate felt the burning sensation of a panic attack begin to rise in her throat more than once. She had to put her head between her knees and take long, deep breaths. Rafael watched each time as she did this. He craved doing something as simple as putting a comforting hand on her back, but he knew he couldn't.

The video was paused just after the screen showed both Kate and Bradley being removed on stretchers.

"No more questions at this time," Rafael nodded at Kate with sad eyes.

Harris launched into her questioning instantly.

"In your own words, could you describe how Damien Bradley was acting during the time he detained and tortured you?"

Kate glared straight into Bradley's eyes as she answered. "He was calm in the beginning, but once I started telling him about my past he began rubbing his genitals through his pants."

"So the idea of you being mentally ill excited him?"

"I suppose so,"

"And his idea of a game was revealing rape victims to you?"

Kate had an idea of where Harris was taking this line of questioning, so she kept her answers short. "Yes."

Harris strode over and leaned in close to Kate's face. "Does that sound like the actions of a sane man?"

Kate looked her dead in the eye. She knew she had to answer. "No, but there's more to it than th…"

"No more questions." Harris strutted back to her desk.

Rafael instantly stood. "Detective Walker, please finish what you were going to say."

Kate nodded determinately. Her eyes narrowed at both Bradley and Harris. "He may have got excited by my PTSD, but I don't believe that's because he enjoys hearing about mental illness. It's because he likes to watch people suffer. One of the hardest things is to talk about what you've been through; to tell people your secrets."

Bradley's eyes were cold as she talked. Kate didn't look away.

"And yes, his idea of a game was revealing rape victims names, but in my opinion, he knew that I was going to play. He knew that as a cop, I had to know those names. He deliberately designed the game in that way because he knew I couldn't say no. I've been disowned, beaten, tortured and almost killed. He knew that just the threat of rape wouldn't get me talking."

Kate turned to the jury. Her need to take down Bradley pushed her to keep talking. "He told me that I was his last victim. He spelled out his plan of escaping somewhere without extradition. This wasn't a spontaneous attack brought on my some mental illness. This was planned and executed in a way to make me suffer as much as possible, then run where no one could get him."

Her speech stunned the courtroom. Harris, the judge, Bradley and Rafael all just stared at her. It took a few seconds for Rafael to speak.

Still shocked, he slowly said "No more questions,"

The judge nodded to him and to Kate, before banging his gavel. "Court is convened for today. We will reconvene at nine tomorrow."

Kate hurried down from the witness stand and over to her team. Rafael joined them. The pride on his face was unmistakable. They both gave each other small smiles.

The moment didn't last long however. As they walked into the hall, press bombarded them. Cameras flashed in Kate's face from behind the barriers set up in the courtroom corridor. Unfortunately, where the hordes of press stood was the only exit Kate could see. She lowered her head and frantically searched for another way out.

"Come with me."

Rafael's hand pressed onto her back as he guided her away from the press, down two hallways, and into a fire escape. They hurried down the stairs into an underground car park.

"Where are we going?" asked Kate.

She heard the chime of keys then the ' _beep beep'_ of a car being unlocked.

"I'm buying you a meal," Rafael stood at the driver's side door of an black car. He opened the door and slid in.

He leaned over and popped the passenger side door open for her.

She rested against the car, but didn't get in, inside just dipping her head so that she could talk to him. "I don't really feel like being in public, Rafael. Not since The Time's ran that story."

"Then we'll order in,"

"One condition. It has to be Chinese." She climbed in, and they drove out of the parking lot and away from the press.

They didn't talk as they drove. Kate assumed they were going to her house, but when they pulled into the entrance to another underground car park, she realised this wasn't the case. Rafael leaned out of his window and scanned a card against a reader, causing the gates to open. He drove in and parked in a spot labelled ' . Apartment 2903.'

Without a word, they both got out of the car and into the elevator. He pressed the button for level twenty nine. It was a long, quite ride. The elevator opened up into a small area with doors to four apartments. Rafael led her to the third one, unlocked the door and gestured for her to walk in before him.

His apartment was somehow a mixture of what she expected, and what she never dreamed it could be. Mahogany and oak furniture covered his lounge room as she expected, but there were pieces of beautiful art. It was a lot more open than she expected with a large window that looked out onto the city.

He directed her into the kitchen. She sat on one of the stools pushed against a marble counter top. An iPad displaying a Chinese menu was slid over to her. "Order anything you like."

One the Chinese food was ordered, Rafael pulled on his coat. "I'm just going to get some bourbon. Feel free to have anything in the fridge."

Kate pulled open the door. Inside was half a bottle of wine, a carton of milk and a lot of cheese with names she couldn't pronounce. "Wow, what a selection…" she said sarcastically.

He smiled as he closed the door.

Kate began walking through the apartment. It was three bedrooms.. One bedroom was being used as a study, but she couldn't figure out which of the other two was Rafael's room. There was no expensive wooden furniture in either of them.

Her hands flicked over his books and DVD's. She looked at every piece of art in the house closely, examining it and trying to imagine Rafael choosing to buy it. In the study there was a beautiful portrait of an older. Something in her eyes was familiar to Kate.

Eventually, she ended up sitting on the floor in front of the large window watching the city.

The sound of the door closing didn't make her get up. She just kept looking out at the landscape that was now as lit up in the darkness.

Rafael walked in behind her. He didn't say a word. He kicked off his shoes and socks, pulled off his jacket and waist coat, untied his tie and unclipped his suspenders. A sigh of relief left his mouth as he was finally comfortable.

Barefooted, he walked over to where Kate sat. He took a seat down beside her, placing the bourbon and the boxes of Chinese food in front of her.

"I ran into the delivery guy in the elevator," he explained.

Kate tore into her food. Rafael poured them drinks, and they ate in silence staring out at the city.

After they had finished, Rafael finally talked. "You did good today, Kate."

Kate closed her eyes. "Thank you."

"I'm not just saying that. You were amazing. You pretty much did my job for me."

Kate smiled at him. "Do you think we are going to win?"

Without hesitation, Rafael said "Yes."

"You sound sure. Has God… or whatever you believe in… been telling you something?"

"I do believe in God," Rafael turned to her.

He leaned into her and whispered, "But I believe in you more," He reached into his pocket and delicate placed an item in Kate's hand.

The smooth metal of her badge was laid into her palm. She stared at it, then met Rafael's eyes. With a gentle hand, he stroked her cheek. His touch sent her heart into spasms.

"I believe in you so much more, _bella alma_ ,"

Kate gazed at him. The tough, cocky lawyer who had hurt her was nowhere in sight. The man that sat in front of her was a kind, gentle person whom she wanted to give her heart to.

Their lips met. The kiss was calm, tender, and filled with emotion. But this kiss wasn't like the others. There was something inside both of them that didn't want to break it. Their bodies pressed into each other as a feverish passion overtook them. This was more than just a kiss.

* * *

 **Just letting you guys know there is more to this scene that will be posted in the next chapter. I'm not a fan of the 'fade to black' love scene. The next chapter is already written so I will be updating in the next few days. Stay tuned!**


	18. Passion

Kate and Rafael's bodies pressed together. His hand grasped the back of her head with passion. Her gentle hands skimmed over his chest. Through his shirt she could feel his heart beating so fast it felt as if it may explode. She needed to be closer to him. Her fingers began unbuttoning his shirt. With each button, they kissed a little harder. Once the shirt open, Kate placed her hands on his skin. The warmth coming from his body felt amazing.

He shrugged off the shirt and their faces found each other again. Rafael's fingers tickled at the hem of her blouse. They slipped under the fabric near her hips and wrapped around the bare skin of her waist. The skin was so soft and delicate.

Bare skin rubbed together as they pushed their naked chests against each other. The feeling of skin against skin drove them wild. In that moment, there was no turning back.

Together, they fell to the ground with Rafael on top of her. His lips kissed down her neck, down her sternum and to her naval. He paused just above her belt. His hands gently unbuckled it. She raised her hips and he slid her pants and underwear from her body.

His kisses began at her neck once again, only this time they did not stop at her naval. Pleasure tickled her as his mouth found the right spot. One hand gripped the carpet while the other found its way into his hair. Her fingers caressed his head as her body began to heat with desire. His mouth between her legs was becoming too much for her.

The hand that was entwined in his hair pulled his jaw up to her face. His beautiful green eyes met hers. As their mouths entangled once again, Kate's hands slid down Rafael's torso. The buckle on his belt came apart easily, and she pushed the fabric of his trousers and underwear down past hips. He wriggled free from them.

Finally, the heat of their bodies merged together. Kate spread her legs and pressed her hands to his back. Rafael pushed into her.

Everything that had happened –the investigation, the case, Kate's past- disappeared in that moment. They lost themselves in each other. Rafael pressed into her again and again. Kate's fingers lightly dug into him. She could feel his muscles moving in his back as their bodies came together.

Kate nudged him gently. With their bodies never leaving each other, they rolled over. Kate shifted so she moved on top of him. Her hips found a rhythm that sent shivers down Rafael's spine. His fingers grabbed the soft skin of her thighs. Pleasure built inside Kate. Her head lolled back and her eyes closed.

His fingers moved in between her legs and caressed her as her body grinded on him. Short, harsh breaths escaped Rafael's mouth as he watched the magnificent creature above him.

Kate's breaths began to mirror his. She leaned down, pressing her torso to his. Her face fell into his neck. They kept moving together. Rafael could feel the pleasure inside him ready to explode. The desire in Kate's body reached tipping point. Her core convulsed as the tension in her body released. The small moan she let out in Rafael's ear pushed him to the edge. The feeling of absolute bliss encompassed both of them.

Warmth covered their skin. The feeling of their bodies merged together felt too good. They froze where they were. Kate had collapsed on his chest. With each breath he took, she was raised up. She could hear the 'boom boom boom' of heart.

Rafael gripped her lower back and held her too him, as if he was afraid she was going to run from him.

They lay together allowing calm to return to their bodies.

Eventually, they moved apart. Rafael stood, and walked to his bedroom. He returned a moment later with four large pillows and a blanket.

Placing the pillows on the floor where Kate still sat, he constructed a small bed for them. He lay back down with her and placed his head on the pillow. In slow movements, Kate shuffled over to him and lay her head on his chest. His arm wrapped around her, and he pulled the blanket up around them both.

That's how they remained – naked and staring out over the city- until they drifted off.

The bright sunlight from the large window awoke Kate from her slumber. Her eyes struggled to adjust to the light streaming into the room. She lifted her arm and rubbed her face.

With that movement, a groan came from underneath her. She rolled over and placed her chin on his chest. Rafael mumbled something incomprehensible as his eyes flickered open. The sight of Kate with her messy hair and sleepy eyes caused a smile to move across his face.

His arm re-adjusted so Kate was still wrapped in it. He closed his eyes again. "Morning, _bella alma_ ,"

Kate didn't know what that meant, but she smiled anyway and tangled her finger tips in his chest hair. "Morning,"

They lay there enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies. She nestled her cheek against his collarbone. The gentle breaths she let out tickled against his skin.

"Tell me something I don't know about you," Rafael said suddenly without opening his eyes.

Kate spoke into his skin. "What? Why?"

"I know about what happened when you were young, but I want to know a fact about you. Something that would surprise me."

He felt her cheeks move into a smile. "I don't know…what sort of thing?"

"Anything."

Kate paused for a moment. "I once sang a Whitney Houston melody at a Karaoke club to a room full of gang members,"

Rafael's eyes opened then. He stared at her, astonished by the story and the nonchalant manner of how she told it. "What?!"

"Hey, Washington D.C was a good place to be in the 90's."

Rafael let a laugh, sending Kate's resting head into a small bounce.

"I was not expecting that."

Kate looked up at him. "Tell me something about you, then…"

"What do you want to know?"

Her eyes slid over to the couch where he had draped his tie the night before. "How much are all your ties worth?"

Rafael scoffed. "I wouldn't have a clue."

"Estimate it."

"Hmm…" His eyes went to the roof as he did the calculations. "Probably about three thousand."

Kate stared at him gobsmacked, then burst into laughter. But unlike Rafael's short chuckle at her story, she couldn't stop cackling. When she finally stopped, she spoke in bits as she got her breath back. "Oh my…god….you're never going…to live this down."

Rafael pushed himself so that he was hovering over the top of her. "I think you should forget that I told you that, _bella alma_."

A grin stretched across her face. "I don't think I can."

His face lowered so that his lips were almost touching hers. "I think I'll have to make you." The air from each of his words touched her lips.

"I'd like to see you try,"

Their smiling faces pressed together.

* * *

When Kate rushed into the corridor outside the courtroom, the entire team let out a sigh of relief.

"We didn't know where you got to after Barba got you out of court yesterday," said Carisi. "We thought he might have killed you," he joked.

"I got him to drop me off at a friends," Kate lied.

They all nodded, accepting her story.

"Are you okay, Kate?" Olivia questioned.

"I'm all good, Serg."

Olivia have her a small smile, then turned to the team as a whole. "Are we ready?"

Everyone nodded and filed into the courtroom to take their seats. Kate watched as the man she had been curled up in bed with that morning came into the room. His eyes instantly found hers. They both smiled and looked down like embarrassed teenagers in their first romance.

Kate remembered something from that morning and leaned over to Nick.

"Nick, I've got a question."

"Yep?"

She felt stupid for asking but she had to know. "What does _bella alma_ mean?"

Nick smiled in confusion. "Why?"

"Just tell me."

"It means 'beautiful soul'."

She leaned away from him, a warm feeling bubbling up inside of her. Her heart felt like jumping up and laying a passionate kiss on Rafael, but her head told her to sit still and calm down.

The court reconvened exactly on nine.

"Mister Barba, who is your next witness?" the judge asked.

Rafael stood, and reading from the paper in front of him he announced, "The people call Doctor George Wong."

Wong took his seat.

"Doctor Wong, very simply, is Damien Bradley mentally ill?"

"No," Wong said. "He possesses no mental illness in my opinion,"

"But we saw on the video his obsession with stories of torture and murder? Could this mean there is something wrong with him?"

"Morally, yes, there is something wrong with him. But in terms of an illness, there is nothing."

Rafael turned to the jury. "He was, in fact, aroused by torture and mental illness. Is it possible that is could be related to his mental state?"

"No, it is simply a sexual desire." When Wong spoke, it was calm and intelligent. "Some people are aroused by bondage, some people feet, and in Damien Bradley's case, he is aroused by suffering. This does not mean that he is mentally ill."

Rafael nodded and took his seat. The testimony was short, but it proved its point.

Harris walked straight up to Doctor Wong and faced him head on as she asked the first question. "Doctor Wong, when was schizophrenia first recognized as a mental illness?"

"1908."

"What about something more common such as depression?"

"Not until 1980 when it was categorized as Major Depressive Disorder,"

"So what you're saying is that it could be possible that my client has a mental illness that has not yet been recognised?"

Rafael raised his eyebrow.

Doctor Wong didn't seem phased by the question. "No. Even if there was a disease that had not yet been recognised, he would be tell-tale symptoms of mental illness."

"How would you know if it hasn't been recognised…" Harris commented.

Rafael pressed his lips together. "Is there a question here?"

"Yes," she said as she turned back to Wong. "How many people in America get misdiagnosed every year?"

Doctor Wong paused before he answered. "Approximately one in every three hundred people."

"So maybe you've misdiagnosed my client as being sane," she muttered, loud enough for the jury to hear. Before Rafael could object, she quickly added a "withdrawn" as she took a seat.

* * *

Harris was powering down the courthouse corridors, her tall black heels clicking on the tiles.

"Harris!" Rafael's voice carried in the stone halls.

She looked back, but didn't stop walking, instead gesturing for him to catch up.

When he ran beside her, he lowered his voice and spoke quickly. "Your case is going downhill. I've been expecting a desperate phone call asking for a plea."

Harris smirked, but didn't look at him. "The only phone call I'm going to make is to my boss to tell him that I'm about to win a case,"

"Please, you psychiatrist is sub-par at best. You're never going to win this case."

The clicking of her heels halted. She stopped in the centre of the hall and turned to him. The smugness on her face was telling.

Rafael narrowed his eyes at her. "Unless you've got something better to use…"

Harris raised one corner of her mouth. That was all Rafael needed to know that she had a hand of cards that could cost him the game.

With a swivel, she turned away from him. "I'll see you in court on Monday, Rafael."

He stood, shocked. What did she have that made her so smug?


	19. Steps

Kate and Rafael both decided that all that was on the agenda for that night was pleasure and bourbon. She arrived at his apartment at eight with the bourbon in her hand.

As soon as he opened the door, a grin stretched across his face.

"Most people get flowers after a night of passion," she said, holding up the bottle. "But screw flowers, we've got liquor."

Three bourbons and three hours of passionate sex later, they were sprawled out on his king sized bed covered in a blanket.

Still puffing, Rafael placed his finger tips on Kate's collarbone and began to trace the line. "I think we should go out on a date, Kate Walker."

Kate smiled. "Do you?"

"In fact, I think we should go out on a date tomorrow night. Be like normal people."

A scoff escaped her mouth. "Normal people don't usually have their faces on the front page of the Times."

"We'll go somewhere private,"

Kate smiled, but didn't really believe him. "Sure,"

* * *

Rafael had to go into work in the morning. Kate made her way back to her apartment, and wrote an entry in her therapy journal that her NYPD psychiatrist had advised she start. She had only been to a few sessions since the trial began, but they had covered so much. After the first session, Kate thought she could tell the doctor her life story within two hours. It turned out, she needed a lot longer than that. The doctor's questions were never easy. They weren't questions like "how did that make you feel?" like she expected, rather ones that dove so deep into her mind, she was surprised she could even answer some of them. She had started to accept her life a little more each time she left the doctor's office.

She had just hooked her pen onto the spine of her notebook when Rafael called. She barely got in a hello before he started talking quickly. "Ten tonight. Wear something nice. I'll come get you."

"I…"

Before she could continue, he interrupted her. "No arguments," he said sternly, then hung up.

'Something nice' could mean a full ball gown or just something a little better than her normal tailored black trousers and button-up shirts. She pulled the only nice dresses she had from her closet. One was too short, one too loose and one just completely wrong. The final dress was ten years old and hadn't been out of her closet in five, but was going to have to do.

* * *

The entire time Rafael was at work that morning, he had been distracted. He wanted desperately to take Kate out somewhere, but he knew that all his usual haunts – the bars, the restaurants, the museums, and the jazz clubs – would be filled with the elite. He knew the lawyers, the journalists, the judges, the artists and the business men would have all seen her picture in the paper. The sight of them together would cause a lot of problems, not just for them, but for the case and for SVU.

An idea struck him about eleven, and after one phone call, two minutes of bargaining and three 'thank you's, the plan was in motion. At ten that night, Rafael tapped lightly on Kate's door. He was dressed in a clean, black suit and black tie. In his hand, he held a long rectangular box.

When the door opened, he stared at the woman in front of him. She was wearing a knee length black dress. Made from lace, it was long sleeved and backless. It wasn't at all what he pictured her wearing.

Kate was never one for much make-up, so she had stuck to her normal routine, except for a plum lipstick that she had dug out of her bottom bathroom drawn.

Rafael's face lit up after a moment of shock. "You look beautiful."

"You look very handsome," She delicately tapped the black tie. "Rafael Barba without a coloured tie? I don't believe it."

He chuckled, then handed her the box.

Kate took it. The gold writing on the box said Lexington Flower Shop. "Are you trying to one up me? I bring you bourbon, so you bring me flowers?"

"Just open it."

When she opened the box, she couldn't help but laugh. They were flowers alright, but not the type she expected. At the end of each stem was a tiny bottle of liquor – the type served on airplanes or found in hotel room mini-bars.

"Oh thank god," she laughed. "I thought for a second that you were getting sentimental on me,"

She placed the box on the table next to the door, grabbed two of the bottles, and then locked the apartment.

"Okay, where are we going?" she questioned as they walked to the elevator.

"I've got reservations somewhere,"

"A little late for dinner, isn't it?"

When he didn't respond, Kate handed him one of the bottles. Despite his objections, she forced him to take it. They clinked bottles, and downed the liquor.

As they drove to the mysterious restaurant, smooth jazz played from the stereo. Kate couldn't help but notice the small smile on Rafael's face and the way his finger tapped along to the beat. Whenever an especially good saxophone riff resonated throughout the car, his eyes closed briefly and his head swayed to the tune.

Kate couldn't pinpoint how she felt at that moment. It was a warm feeling, something she hadn't felt for a very long time.

When they pulled up to the front of the restaurant, a laugh escaped Kate's lips. "It's perfect."

They got out of the car, and Rafael offered her his arm. She placed her finger in the crook of her elbow and they walked towards the run-down doors of El Lugar.

"I think we are a bit over dressed for this place," Kate commented, making a sweeping gesture to her dress and heels.

"No such thing as overdressed, _bella alma_."

He pulled the door open for her and Kate grinned. The happiness in her chest bubbled up. El Lugar was empty of customers. The drunks that were usually slumped at the bar for days at a time were nowhere to be seen. The only person there was the bartender, who gave them a nod when they entered. The tables were all packed up with the chairs stacked on the wooden surfaces. All except for one. One booth – Kate's usual booth – was illuminated with candle light. The table had been set with plates and cutlery, and a bottle of champagne was sitting between two glasses.

Kate turned to Rafael and did the only thing she could do.

She punched him.

Not hard. It was a love tap.

"You bastard!" Kate said joking. "You are getting sentimental."

He chuckled, but not for long as Kate kissed him on his laughing lips.

They took a seat. Rafael poured them both a glass of champagne.

"How did you do this?"

Rafael swallowed a sip of the bubbling liquid. "I asked them how much cash they would normally make at this hour, then offered to match that if they closed early."

"Couldn't have been much money. All the weekday drunks usually find nicer bars to drink at on a Saturday," Kate joked.

"Might cost me a tie or two,"

The bartender suddenly appeared beside them, two plates in hand. He placed one in front of each of them. Kate smiled. A burger and fries.

It was then that she realised what the feeling was that had been inside of her all night. She felt…normal. It had been so long since she felt like that. In that moment, however, she was just a woman on a date with a man in her favourite restaurant. She wasn't a killer. She wasn't a cop. She didn't have PTSD. She was what she had wanted to be for so long.

They ate, drank and laughed.

At the end of the meal, Kate reached for his hand, and held it while they talked. "Well, you definitely made sure that no one recognised me,"

Rafael smiled. Kate loved it when he smiled. His eyes crinkled at the sides, and his cheeks suddenly became round. "I don't think the cities elite venture to El Lugar very often,"

"Oh, I don't know. They had a taco eating competition last month. I'm sure if they had known, they would have rushed here." They laughed. "Rafael, thank you. I know it's probably not your usual haunt, but it means a lot that you brought me here."

"Your welcome _, bella alma_." He sipped his champagne. "But, I don't really have a type of restaurant that I usually go to. I grew up in bars like this."

"I don't know much about your childhood,"

"Well," he leaned back against the booth, slinging his arm along the top. "I grew up in a very tight knit community. My parents were best friends with the entire street. My mother was an amazing woman. Worked two jobs, and still had time to raise a son. She taught me to cook, clean, read…everything." A little smile appeared on his face. There was so much love and pride in that smile. "I spent a lot of time at my _abuela's_ during the summers while my parents worked. She only lived two blocks away, but my father didn't like her much so I only saw her then or at church. She's the one who got me to where I am today. You see, she got no education in Cuba – only what her parents taught her. So whenever I complained about school or homework, she used to take my chin in her hand and tell me that I was a spoilt brat – that there were child out there who would kill for the education I was getting and not to take it for granted. The day I graduated from high school, she cried, and then when I graduated from Harvard, she fainted because she was so happy."

Kate loved hearing about this. "They sound like great women. What made you choose law?"

Rafael's expression changed. It turned a touch darker, like someone had added a drop of ink to water. "The neighbourhood where I grew up…a lot of people didn't have much. And when people don't have much, they tend to do bad things. I wanted to make sure people like that didn't get thrown in jail because of their circumstances." He let out sigh. "And I...I switched sides after a few years."

"Why?"

His eyes looked down at his glass. "My father. He did some very bad things, and I wanted to make sure that men like him _did_ get thrown in jail."

Kate nodded. Although she was curious, she didn't want to push the subject further. She could read between the lines easily. The conversations eventually switched back to something lighter – both of their college years.

It was almost one in the morning when they finally stood from the table. Outside, Rafael opened the car door for Kate. "Rafael please, this is just too cheesy."

He smiled. "My apologies. I won't open it again. Next time I'll lock it, give you a bobby pin and let you pick it. Is that more to your liking?"

"Yes, that sounds about right."

The drive back, Kate watched Rafael's face again as he enjoyed the music. He began to muse about the album they were listening too. He told her random facts about the singers, the leaps forward that the album represented and how a few of the songs reminded him of another band.

"My grandmother taught me to dance to this album," he said as they pulled into the underground parking lot of his building. "One summer she made me practice an hour a day until I got it right." He turned off the car as soon as they were parked. "She used to say 'A man that can't dance is a man with no passion',"

He let out a little laugh, then went to open the door.

"Wait," Kate said.

Rafael paused.

"Turn the car back on."

His brow creased. "What?"

"Just do it."

He did, and the music came back through the speakers.

Kate jumped from the car, yelling a "come on" to Rafael. She left her door open so that the music could still be heard.

Rafael joined her at the back of the car with a confused expression. "What are we doing?"

"Let's dance."

"What? Here?"

She walked up close to him so that their noses were almost touching. "Here."

"No!"

Kate smirked. "I knew that you couldn't dance. Those hips of yours are too tight with all the stress."

He rolled his eyes playfully at her. "Fine."

His hand snaked around her waist, and his other clasped in hers. With him leading, he began to guide them in a slow waltz.

"Well, aren't you a surprise, A.D.A Barba." Kate said, pressing her body against his so they were dancing like two teenagers at prom.

"Well when I get to spend the evening with a beautiful woman, I have to impress her somehow other than my razor sharp wit."

Kate chuckled.

He spun her, and she laughed again. They spent the next half an hour twirling and spinning in the parking lot. Neither of them could stop smiling.


	20. Harsh

The morning light rolled into Rafael's apartment. It was Monday morning and they both laid next to each other in his bed. Kate groaned as she felt the sunlight shine straight through the large window of his bedroom.

She playfully elbowed Rafael's sleeping body causing him to jolt awake.

"What was that for?" His sleepy voice asked as he rolled over to face her.

"You didn't close the curtains last night." Kate rolled onto her side so she could look at his face. He had messy hair, a small amount of scruff and small grin on his face.

"I was a little busy with other things last night, _bella alma_." The tone in his voice was playful and sexy. "Would you have liked me to interrupt that to close the curtains?"

"Hell no."

Rafael reached out one arm and pulled Kate to his chest. Their bare legs intertwined with each other, and Kate pressed her fingers into his torso. In a delicate motion, he placed a single kiss on the top of her head, then rested his head on her hair.

They both drifted into a half-sleep for another hour before a buzzing shocked them awake. Rafael leaned over and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. He instantly wrapped himself back around Kate, reading the messages over her shoulder.

"It's the defence's witness list for today." As he flicked through it, he read out each of the names. "Doctor Karen Morton, Doctor Huan Pan…" He paused as he read the name. "Who the hell is Anne Wilkonson?"

The intensity that Kate gripped onto Rafael's chest caused him to jump.

"That's…that's…" The words couldn't leave her mouth.

The realisation struck Rafael. "Wilkonson…that was your…"

"It's my mother." She ripped herself away from him and sat up, her head between her knees.

" _Bella alma_ , no…"

The pressure on her chest and her light-headedness told her that a panic attack was about to launch itself.

Rafael dropped his phone and encased her. He put his legs on either side of hers and pressed his chest against her back. "I'm so sorry."

"I don't… understand," she panted, as jolts of panic ran through her body. "The defence are pleading insanity. What is she going to say? Why is she here?" She began to speak quickly.

The air from Rafael's sigh brushed against her shoulder. "I'm not sure. I don't know what they're play is going to be." His forefinger delicately stroked her arm. "It's okay. I've got you."

Rafael comforted her, cooing small comforting words until the panic attack subsided. After many deep breaths, she turned to him and kissed his nose. "You've got to be at work soon," she reminded him, then crawled from his embrace before he could say anything else.

Kate ran down to the small coffee shop across the street from Rafael's building to get breakfast while Rafael showered. As soon as she got back, she quickly got ready, then they sat together at his counter. Kate read through the morning news on her phone. She was thankful for the filters she was able to put it that stopped any news about the case or her from coming through.

Rafael, meanwhile ate as he worked, scratching down notes and flicking through files. He glanced up to look at Kate. She had frozen, a haze over her eyes as she stared into nothingness.

"Kate?"

She jumped, and turned towards him. He knew exactly what she was thinking about.

"I'm not going to tell you to stop thinking about it because that's impossible, but don't build it up in your head."

"It's just…fifteen years is a long time."

He reached over and clasped her hand. "I'll be there for you,"

A sad smile crossed Kate's face.

* * *

The ride to the courthouse was filled with nerves, sadness and confusion. Kate stared out the window at the grey city. There was nothing Rafael could say that could make the situation better. All he could do was keep one had on the wheel and one hand Kate's thigh.

Rafael took Kate in through the underground carpark as the hoards of press outside had been growing in numbers every single day. The elevator ride up to the courtroom was silent. The nerves in Kate's chest grew as the floor numbers counted up. What if her mother was waiting outside? What if this was those doors opened and the woman that broke her heart was standing there?

 _Bing._

The small bell rang. They were there. The doors slid open. Kate let out a sigh of relief. The only people she could see were the team and the previous victims.

The team welcomed her into the protective circle they had formed, and Rafael hurried off. Time ticked by and finally, ten minutes later, the bailiff opened the doors.

Kate sat in the dead centre of the row of seats with Nick and Finn on her left, and Carisi, Olivia and Rollins on her right.

The courtroom slowly began to fill up. Most of the press that were allowed in sat on the defence side of the courtroom in the back few rows. Kate turned to look at the journalists. Her hatred for them had been lit many years ago, but the articles about her and Bradley had added so much kindling to the flame that it was now a bonfire of rage inside of her.

As she skimmed the faces of the 'bottom-feeding scum' as Olivia had called them a moment ago, her eyes laid on a face standing at the entrance to the courtroom.

"Oh god," she whispered to herself.

It was her. All the colour had faded from her hair, her face had drooped around her cheeks and thick creases had developed in the corner of her eyes. It was her mother.

Carisi noticed the terrified look on Kates's face and gripped her arm. "What is it?"

"I…she's…my…"

He glanced back to where Kate's gaze was directed and instantly recognised the old woman he had seen in the newspaper articles about Kate's brother. "Kate. Don't look at her. She can't hurt you."

With a shake of her head, Kate managed to snap out of it.

* * *

"I'm surprised you can walk anywhere without a heart," Rafael called out to Harris at the coffee cart.

She turned to him with a smile. "I told you I had something coming, Rafael."

"I don't know what good Anne Wilkonson is going to be for your case," Rafael said, handing the barista a five dollar note. "It's just going to make the jury feel sorrier for Kate,"

"If you think I'm going to show you my cards that easy, you don't know me at all." She walked away from him, coffee in hand and a smug look on her face.

* * *

Court was called into session. The first defence witness on the stand was a neurologist, Doctor Karen Morton, who bought with her scans of Damien Bradley's brain.

She pointed to the first scan on the board that had been placed beside her. "This is the scan of a normal brain when a person witnesses something horrifying or upsetting. These small green areas here is the amount of norepinephrine and serotonin in the brain at that time." There were three or four small clusters of tiny green spots. "In normal cases, when there will be a small amount," Her hand moved over to the second brain scan on the board. It was lit up with thousands of green dots. "This is Damien Bradley's scan when we showed him a video of a shooting. His brain showed a spike in norepinephrine and serotonin, showing that these images actually made him happy."

"And this is not normal?" Defence counsellor Harris questioned.

"No,"

"So, what are your conclusions, doctor?"

The doctor looked to the jury. "There is something very wrong with Damien Bradley's brain. I believe this chemical imbalance in his brain causes him to feel happy when he witnesses or does something we would find horrific."

Harris glanced at Barba with a smug look. "Thank you, Doctor Morton."

Barba stood and strode over to the witness box. "Doctor Morton, could you please describe in layman's terms what the chemicals norepinephrine and serotonin are?"

"Essentially, they are the chemicals within our brain that can control our moods and our responses to external events."

"So these chemicals are very important for how we operate and interact with other people?"

"Very much so."

Barba leaned against the side of the box. "Doctor Morton, could you please tell the jury what other mental illnesses are causes by an imbalance of these two chemicals?"

The doctor straightened her blazer. "Well…quite a few."

"Could you name them?"

She pursed her lips, then huffed. "A chemical imbalance can cause anything from mild depression to anxiety to schizophrenia to multiple personalities disorder."

Barba crinkled his forehead dramatically for the jury to see. "You seemed so sure that his inability to understand right and wrong was caused by a chemical imbalance."

"I am,"

"Well… many people suffer from depression. They know the difference between right and wrong. Not every depressed person thinks it's okay to murder someone or rape someone, do they?"

"Ah no, but…"

"Isn't it true that those pictures don't prove he lacks a moral compass? All they prove is that he has a chemical imbalance?"

The doctor looked down at her hands. "Yes."

He was getting ready to strike his woman down with his final questions. "Doctor Morton, how many people suffer from mental illness in the United States?"

"I couldn't tell you."

In long strides, he went over to his desk and pulled a piece of paper from a file. "According to the US Bureau of Statistics and multiple medical journals, that eighteen point one percent of American adults suffer from mental illness." He turned to the jury and held up the piece of paper. "Doctor Morton wants you to believe that a chemical imbalance made Damien Bradley rape four girls. But I ask you this, if eighteen point one percent of us have a mental illness, wouldn't that mean that eighteen point one percent of us are rapists or murderers or thieves? That means that in this courtroom today, one fifth of us would be a felon." Barba smirked at the jury, then at Doctor Morton. "I don't think so."

Nick leaned into Kate's ear. "Barba's got this."

She nodded. Rafael had squashed one of the defence witnesses. There was something inside of her that made her want to believe that this case was going to go her way. The psychologist, Doctor Huan Pan, gave testimony about the mental state of Bradley. She talked of Bradley's inability to recognise right and wrong.

Rafael's cross-examination was strong. He leaned on the front of his desk and crossed his arms. "How many shoplifting convictions does Mister Bradley have. Doctor?"

Doctor Pan's brow furrowed. "I wouldn't know…"

"The answer is none. He also doesn't have any traffic, drug, assault or murder convictions." Barba paused briefly and pretended he was confused. "You see, that doesn't make sense to me. If Mister Bradley didn't know the difference between right and wrong, wouldn't that mean that he would have broken some laws in the past? Even just a little one like shoplifting?"

"Shoplifting is a big leap to rape."

"Is it? It's the same premise. If Bradley didn't know the difference as you testified, then what was stopping him from taking something from the market or driving through a red light?"

The doctor stayed silent and let out a huff.

Barba glanced towards the judge. "Your honour,"

"You will answer, Doctor."

"Nothing. Technically, there is no difference."

One of Barba's eyebrows raised as he glanced towards the jury. "Hmm… that interesting."

The final witness was called to the stand. Kate gripped onto Nick's forearm. She was sure she would be leaving marks on his skin.

Miss Anne Wilkonson looked like a grandmother that would bake four batches of biscuits before the grandchildren came over. Her grey hair was brushed and perfectly styled. She wore the half-red, half-brown lipstick colour that all women over fifty five seemed to own. Dressed in a grey tweed skirt and blazer, she entered the room and sat down. It was only when her eyes stared out over the courtroom that the truth was realised. The darkness in irises removed any maternal vibe, and it was replaced with a feeling of discomfort and hatred. She very quickly transformed from loving grandmother to the wicked witch that offered Hansel and Gretel sweets.

She looked at Kate. Kate froze and stopped breathing. Then she realised something. Her mother wasn't even looking at her…she was looking through her. Kate meant that little to her mother that she simply glanced at her daughter as if she was any other person on the street.

Nick placed a protective hand over her arm.

Harris rose from her table, a smug look on her face. "Miss Wilkonson, could you please tell the court who you are?"

"I gave birth to Kate Wilkonson."

Kate gritted her teeth. Her mother couldn't even say that she was her daughter.

"Kate Walker, you mean? The detective that was kidnapped by Damien Bradley?"

"Yes."

"Earlier in the trial, we heard Kate testify and saw video about the death of her brother. In your opinion, what happened to your son?"

"Objection!" Barba jumped from his seat. "What does this have to do with Damien Bradley?"

"Bear with me, your honour. My point will become clear."

The unimpressed judge sighed. "Make it clear quickly, Counsellor."

Kate's mother looked at the defence attorney as she answered. "Kate murdered my son because of what he did to her."

"What did he do to her?"

Kate leaned in. Never had her mother admitted to what her brother had done.

"He beat her. He tormented her."

The shock in Kate's body ran through her like an electric shock. Kate knew that this wasn't leading to anything good.

Harris stood close to Miss Wilkonson and gave her an empathetic look. "That doesn't sound like the actions of a stable child?"

She sighed. "No. He wasn't stable." Her voice began to crack. "He was never stable, but he was murdered before he had the chance to get him help."

Kate's eyes flickered between her mother and Harris. Something was wrong. Where was all of this coming from?

"So her brother was mentally unstable?"

"Yes."

"So it's fair to say that Kate has been surrounded by mentally ill people all her life? Whether it be her brother or herself or the victims she helped?"

"Yes. Her brother was a good boy at heart but…he…he just couldn't control himself."

Kate couldn't help the loud scoff that came out of her mouth.

Her mother's eyes shot to her. This time she really saw her. "And she…she killed him. She took my baby away from me before I could help him."

"Do you think Kate knew that your son was ill?"

"No."

Barba launched himself from his chair again. "Your honour, what is this supposed to prove?"

Harris turned to the jury instead of to Barba. "Detective Kate Walker testified that Damien Bradley appeared sane when he kidnapped her. From the testimony Detective Walker herself has given, as well as the testimony of her mother, I think it becomes clear that she is not the best judge of mental illness. Kate Walker has been surrounded her entire life by others and her own sickness. In all that time, it would have become normalised. So, how can she conclusively say that Damien Bradley is insane if she doesn't even really know what insanity is?"

Kate rested her elbows on her knees and rubbed her eyes.

Harris took a seat. Barba paused and gathered his thoughts, then rose from his own table. "Miss Wilkonson, what psychiatrist did you take your son too?"

"I didn't take him to a psychiatrist."

"So how do you know that your son was insane?"

Her expression showed clear insult. "I knew there was something wrong with him."

"Oh, how many medical degrees to you have?"

She let out a frustrated sigh. "None."

"So he was never diagnosed? That makes this idea a bit hard to prove, doesn't it? Tell me, isn't it possible that your son was simply a garden-variety psychopath?"

"No!"

"How can you be sure?"

"A mother knows her own child!"

Barba had lured her into the trap easily. "Just like you know Kate Walker? Tell me, how many years has it been since you've seen her?"

Miss Wilkonson had to pause. The anger in her eyes matched her voice as she spoke. "Fifteen years."

"Isn't it true that you disowned your daughter after the death of your son?"

"Yes."

"Isn't it true that you tried to get her prosecuted for the death?"

"Yes."

"I find it very hard to believe that after fifteen years – fifteen years of disownment and hatred – you decide to come forward for this trial?"

Miss Wilkonson rose her chin and looked at Barba down her nose. "I don't want another person to be punished because Kate cannot recognise when someone needs professional help."

"Or maybe it's because you still blame her for your son's death?"

"Objection," Harris shouted.

Barba didn't take his eyes off Kate's mother as he spoke calmly. "Withdrawn. That's all I have for this witness."

The judge nodded. "Court is in recess until this time Wednesday." The gavel banged.

Kate almost had her head resting on her knees. Even though she felt like crawling into a ball and crying, Kate pulled herself up from the seat and left the courthouse with the rest of her team.


	21. Mothers

**Little bit of Spanish in this chapter, so here's a guide:**

 ** _Cariño = darling_**

 ** _Dios mio = my god_**

 ** _Mi hijo = my boy_**

 ** _Madre = mother_**

 _ **Cuchura = sweety** _

* * *

"Well done, Barba," Harris called out.

Rafael was leaning against the tiled walls near the windows of the courthouse, watching as the tiny figures of Olivia, Finn and Amanda were bombarded by the swarm of press below. He was thankful that Nick and Carisi had taken Kate out through the underground carpark. When Harris spoke, he looked up, but didn't meet her eyes, rather just stared ahead from under his brows.

She crossed her arms and pushed her shoulder against the wall in front of him. "I thought for sure I had you with the mother,"

"It was a cheap shot," he said. A smug smile stretched across his face. "Lucky I've got good aim,"

"I thought I was getting a cute grandmother type," Harris sighed.

Rafael looked at her from the side of his eye. "You ordered Mrs Doubtfire and got Mrs Bates instead," He smirked. "Should have read the fine print."

"Mister Barba." A cold, sharp voice said from behind him.

He turned and saw the black eyes of Anne Wilkonson. With her small, wrinkled lips pursed so tight they almost disappeared, her face was a picture of anger and annoyance.

"I do not appreciate being talked about in such a manner,"

Harris hurried off, like a student whose friend was about to be punished.

Rafael faced Mrs Wilkonson head on, an eyebrow raised. "Well, I don't appreciate you disowning your daughter." With a slight shrug and head tilt, he pushed off from the wall and began to walk away. "The world's a rough place."

* * *

Rafael pulled Kate into his arms that night as they laid in bed. It was one of the first nights that they had simply got into bed without ripping each other's clothes off. Kate had switched between speaking non-stop for an hour, to complete silence, and back again. It was if she would talk as much as she could in order to stop herself thinking about her mother, then when there was nothing else she could say, the reality set in.

It was during one of those quiet times that Rafael pressed his chest to her back and wrapped an arm around her.

"How are you doing?" he whispered in her ear.

Kate sighed. "What she did…it hurt, but it's like…" she paused and rolled over to face him. "It's like I knew it was going to happen. I knew that I couldn't live my life without her coming in to tread on my happiness one more time." With another deep breath, she nuzzled her head in under his chin. "Sometimes I wish I never had a mother."

They lay together, enjoying the quiet and the warmth of each other's bodies. Kate's mind was numb and exhausted, so she quickly drifted off to sleep. Rafael, however, was wide awake. His mind was churning with Anne Wilkonson's words and the picture of her black eyes, and boy, was he was mad.

* * *

Rafael walked into his office building, his thumb flicking through an email on his phone. As he strode into the area outside his office, Judy shot up out of her seat and hurried over to him.

"Sir, there's a woman waiting for you in your office. I told her that she didn't have an appointment, but she said she wasn't leaving until she talked to you."

He looked past Judy. Through the shutters, he could see Anne Wilkonson sitting in the leather chair in front of his desk.

"It's okay, Judy."

Rafael strode into that office with all the anger her felt towards this woman ready and waiting to be used. "Ah, Miss Wilkonson. Come to ruin your daughter's life a little more?" He didn't even look at her as he entered.

"Mister Barba, I know you think I'm a bad person. I heard what you said yesterday."

He turned to look at her with pursed lips and a raised eyebrows. "No. Whatever gave you that idea? I don't think you're a bad person." He took a seat and glared at her dead on. "I think you're an inhuman monster. I'm actually quite sure that Satan invites you to his poker games."

"I'm just here to tell you my side of the story."

Uninterested, he leaned back, put his feet up on his desk, and picked up a book. "If you want to talk, I'll give you a quarter and you can call the crisis helpline," he advised, then under his breath, but in full earshot of Miss Wilkonson, he said "But I'm not sure even they would talk to you."

"She killed my son! Was I just supposed to let that slide?"

"And your son almost killed her and you. In the end, one of your children was going to be dead."

"Are you a father, Mister Barba?"

"No, I'm not."

Miss Wilkonson glared at him sternly. "Then you have no idea how it feels when someone takes your baby away from you."

"Yes, you lost your son, Miss Wilkonson. And no, I would never understand that pain. But you had two children, and you didn't lose the other one. You threw her away."

"She wasn't my child after what she did."

Rafael pulled his feet down from his desk and faced her directly. "You don't deserve to call her your child. You don't deserve to call yourself a mother."

"How dare you!"

"No, Miss Wilkonson, how dare you!" He stood rapidly from the desk, his chest puffing out in anger. "I've seen some horrific sights in my time: mothers who have killed their children, beat their children… but never in my time has I encountered anything as disgusting as what you did to Kate."

"Mister Barba, I…"

"What was the purpose of you coming here today?" he interrupted. "Are you here to justify your actions to me…or to yourself?"

Her wrinkled lips pursed.

"I do not need to prove one thing to myself,"

Barba huffed and strode over to his door. He ripped it open. "Then please leave, because I am not going to listen to you anymore."

The look that spread across her face was one Rafael had encountered many times. It was the same look that those who committed hate crimes had on their face; the belief that what they had done, no matter how disgusting, was justified.

She rose from her seat and took four long strides to the door, where she stopped right in front of Rafael. "You cannot judge me, sir."

His eyes narrowed. With a firm face, he leaned closer to the woman. "No, _señora_ , I can judge you all I like, but you do not have to accept my judgement," he spoke rapidly, but in almost a whisper. "The only judgement you have to worry about is God's, and I can guarantee you that he will cast you down and send you straight _el diablo._ "

The look superiority disappeared from her face. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell. She could no longer speak. All she could so was let out an angered huff and storm from the office.

* * *

Rafael didn't tell Kate about the incident, even when Kate was pondering why her mother was at the trial even after her testimony was done. She would sit in the very back corner, and every time she made eye contact with Barba, she would grimace. Kate learned to ignore her. For the next three days of court proceedings, she wouldn't even look behind her to see if her mother was there.

Those three days in court were filled with defence witnesses that said the same thing over and over – Damien Bradley was insane. Harris had searched and found (or paid off) two psychiatrists, one neurologist, one bio-chemist and one convicted sex offender who said he had the same illness as Bradley. Harris made good arguments – they were concise and convincing, but Rafael had great rebuttals. Every word that the witnesses said as turned around. He found bias in each witness's statement or holes in their testimony. He called three of his own psychiatrists who explained that the defence's doctors were basing their analyses off the wrong information.

The case was put on hold for a week and half while the defence launched bogus motions, all of which were denied. By this time, Kate realised that she and Rafael had been together for a month, but it felt like so much longer. They had developed a rhythm. Rafael would go to work, Kate would go to therapy and for runs, and they would meet up for dinner, then spend the night together. Rafael would disappear some Friday's for benefits and galas, while Kate would make plans with someone from the team. Saturday's were always something different – sometimes Rafael had to work, sometimes Kate was dragged along to a Knicks game by Carisi or to Nick's daughter's birthday party or with Amanda to play pool. Sunday was the day that Rafael disappeared to be with his mother for the day. He told Kate that since the heart scare he wanted to see her more often. She pushed him to make it twice a week, to which he responded "Woah, let's not get ahead of ourselves here." Sunday nights were their time together, when they would curl up and act like the couple they could never be around other people.

She was starting to like his apartment much more than her own. It felt nice to wake up to someone, and kiss someone goodbye. Although they spent the odd night at her place, Rafael needed to be at work early and came home late most nights, so they often ended up at his place which was closer to his office. She knew every good coffee shop in the neighbourhood, had tracked out good running loops and learnt not to talk to the grumpy neighbour from floor three.

She was now almost best friends with the door man. One freezing morning, she grabbed an extra coffee for him, and from that one hot drink came an hour long conversation. Every time she came in and out, she would pause and talk for twenty minutes or so.

Her favourite activity was staring out his large window with a coffee. She would become so absorbed by the traffic and the ant-sized forms below her. It was midday on Sunday when she was doing just this. The judge had ordered the court case resumed on Monday, so Rafael was working away at the office. So, without anyone to entertain her and nothing to do, she made herself a pot of coffee and enjoyed the silence.

She was just lifting her fourth cup to her mouth when the doorbell rang. Slightly annoyed at the disruption to her peace and quiet, she grumbled a little as she stood. It's probably a neighbour asking to borrow something, she told herself. She pulled open the door, and her eyes widened.

Oh god, she screamed in her head. This is very bad.

Kate instantly recognised her from the pictures that were scattered around the apartment.

Rafael's mother.

The soft brown eyes were the first thing Kate noticed. Nothing like her own mothers. The next thing she noticed was the giant smile on her face. There was no morsel of shock.

Kate realised suddenly that she hadn't spoken a single word or made a noise. She hurried to correct this, but ended up stuttering on the first letter of 'hello'.

The smile on her face widened. She grabbed Kate's nervous hand, and clasped it between her own.

"Calm down, _c_ _ariño_ _!"_ she laughed. " _Dios mío_ , I've never seen someone almost pass out when they answer the door."

The joyful and relaxed tone somehow switched Kate out of her immediate panic. She managed to wipe to surprise and alarm from her face, and actually smile.

"Sorry, I just…"

"I know, I know. This stunning face is hard to take in. It sometimes shocks people. It's okay." She pushed past Kate into the apartment. "I'm Lucia."

Kate laughed a little, but was still hesitant. This was not how she wanted to meet Rafael's mother. The one difference she hoped for was that Rafael would actually be in the room.

"I'm Kate," She watched as Lucia examined the apartment. "Um… Rafael's not here."

"Oh, I know that! He called me to cancel our Sunday date. Always working, _mi hijo_." She turned to her. "I'm here to see you."

"Me?" It came out a little more surprised than Kate would have liked.

"You." Lucia yanked off her coat and lay it on the couch along with her handbag. Leaving Kate standing near the door, her mouth still open with shock, she walked out of sight into the kitchen.

Why was she here? Was it possible she had read about the case and was here to say that Kate wasn't good enough for her son? But wait, how did she know about Rafael and Kate? Did he tell her?

"Oh god…" Kate whispered to herself.

"What are you doing out there?" Lucia's loud voice echoed through the apartment. "Come in here." It wasn't said harshly, rather with that confidence mothers have where they aren't afraid to give the wrong impression.

Kate hurried into the kitchen. Lucia had already busied herself making coffee. "Sit! Sit!" she instructed, gesturing to the stools near the bench. As Kate sat down, Lucia held up a packet of coffee beans. "Does Rafael have any real coffee?"

Kate wasn't sure how to answer. "Ah…"

"He's getting soft! Needs to get himself some real Cuban coffee!" Despite her annoyance at the lack of 'real coffee', she set to making a pot. As the machine was grinding and whizzing, Lucia leaned against the bench, facing Kate.

"So…" Kate was nervous. "You wanted to see me?"

"Ah yes!" Lucia hurried over and sat beside her. "Well, _mi hijo_ has told me about you, and he's too proud to introduce his girlfriend to his old _madre_. So, I took things into my own hands."

"Oh."

"You are just as beautiful as he said, _cuchura_!" Lucia tapped Kate lightly on the knee as she said it. The coffee maker beeped. She jumped up and continued to talk as she poured two cups. "Let me tell you something, Kate. I've never met any of Rafael's girlfriends. Well, one when he was seventeen. But anyway, the only way I know about his love life is through what he tells me." She placed a mug in front of Kate, and sat back down next to her. "And when he talks about you," She put her left hand over her heart and closed her eyes, as if it was all too much. "I swear to _Dios,_ that boy's face lights up like never before."

Kate couldn't help but smile. Neither her or Rafael had taken the plunge and said 'I love you', but somehow she didn't need that yet, if at all. She felt they were different. It was a different sort of relationship to ones Kate had had in the past. She didn't want him to leave by noon on Sunday like she had with her college boyfriend. She didn't feel like she had to fill every moment with deep and meaningful conversation like she had when she dated the pretentious counsellor at the rape crisis centre she worked at. And she didn't need to tell him to pick the damn towel off the bathroom floor like she had with a detective she dated in DC. She just felt completely comfortable around him all the time, and that's what made her feelings so strong for him. It felt amazing to hear the he felt the same way.

Hearing those words from Lucia suddenly gave Kate a kick of confidence around her. She felt the need to prove she was the girl that Rafael had talked about.

"Damn right his face lights up," she joked. "If it didn't I'd have to have words with that boy."

Lucia was stone faced for a moment then, much to Kate's relief, she started laughing. It was a real laugh too, not a pity laugh that one does when someone says a bad joke.

"You've got nothing to worry about," assured Lucia. "You're the only woman in his heart,"

"Besides you,"

"Oh, that goes without saying, _cuchura,_ "

Kate chuckled, then as her laughter settled, took another sip of coffee. "Now, tell me all his dirty secrets - all the baby stories that he'd burn his tie collection before he told me."

Lucia loved this idea. Her face lit up, and it was clear to Kate that she was one of those mothers who loved to talk about her kids. "Did he ever tell you about his disco phase?"

Kate and Lucia spent the next hour talking about Rafael, throwing in a few stories about themselves here and there. Kate was surprised how well she was getting along with Lucia. She had never met a man's mother before, and people always told her horror stories about the 'monster-in-law'. This was nothing like that though.

After rummaging through the fridge, Kate had pulled out a scroll that the doorman had given her the day before as repayment for the endless coffee's she brought him. She sliced it up and handed a piece to Lucia.

"Rafi has been a smart boy since he was small," she said with a smile on her face. "Oh, but did he used to get into trouble. Questioning everything! Had an explanation for every rule he broke! It drove me and his father mad."

"Rafael doesn't like to talk much about his father. What was he like?"

Lucia's face hardened. It was only then that she realised what a mistake she had made asking that question.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Don't be silly, _cuchura,_ " she said, waving it off. "It's just something that Rafi and I do not talk about. A difference of opinion."

Kate wasn't sure where to go from there. Should she steer the conversation back to a lighter topic or would that appear insensitive?

Before she could make a choice, she heard the front door unlock. Well this is going to be interesting, Kate thought, glancing at Lucia.

"Kate? Are you here?" Rafael's voice carried through the apartment.

"Kitchen," she called out.

A moment later, he rounded the corner. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw them.

" _Mamá!_ What…you…Kate…"

"Lucia just stopped by for a visit," Kate explained. "We decided to have coffee… _Rafi_ ," she said, a smirk coming over her lips as she used Lucia's nickname.

He gave her an unimpressed look.

"Well, I better be going," Lucia said. "Telling all those embarrassing stories really wore me out."

Rafael's eyes flicked between them as if he was watching a tennis match. "You didn't."

"A disco phase, huh?" Kate said smugly.

" _Mamá!"_

"Settle down, _cariño,_ _" she pecked him on the cheek as she left the kitchen. "Call your_ _mam_ á tomorrow, will you?"

Rafael nodded.

"Lovely to meet you, _cuchura_!" she shouted as she left the apartment.

Once she was gone, Rafael rubbed his eyes. "She came over uninvited didn't she?"

"She sure did,"

He put his briefcase down on the bench. "How did you handle it?"

"Well, at first I was afraid…" Kate grinned. " _I was petrified_ ," she sung.

"Oh god." Rafael put his head in his hands in embarrassment. "I've never going to live down this disco thing am I?"

" _And I find you here with that sad look upon your face_ ,"

"Stop it!" Rafael left the kitchen, but Kate followed behind him.

" _Go on now, go walk out the door_ ,"

Rafael grumbled something in Spanish under his breath, but after another verse of 'I Will Survive' in Kate's terrible singing voice, he began to laugh.


	22. Wonder

"Has she always been that…"

"Brash?" Rafael interrupted. They were lying in bed together, facing each other so that their noses almost touched. For the last few minutes they had been discussing Lucia.

Kate pondered on the word for a moment. "No…has she always been that much of a character?"

" _Bella alma_ , you have no idea. Cuban mothers are all well-equipped to do one woman plays. The first time I told her that I wouldn't make it home for Thanksgiving, she screamed 'why do you hate your mama?'"

Kate chuckled. "I like her. She's very forward. Says what she means."

"You never have to wonder what she's thinking," he added.

The conversation began to dwindle. Slowly, Rafael began to drift off into slumber. Kate was still wide awake though and staring at his eyelids flickering. She could tell he was trying to keep is eyes open so they could keep talking, but the day of work and lack of coffee (he only had four cups that day) had taken its toll on him.

As she watched his face, her mind churned with what Lucia had said only hours before when they were talking about Rafael's father. _'It's just something that Rafi and I do not talk about. A difference of opinion.'_ She reached out and began tracing the wrinkles on either side of his mouth with her finger. He was too tired to really notice. As she did this, it dawned on her: she didn't know much about him. Sure, she knew the little things like where he grew up and where he went to school, but she didn't know the important information. She didn't know how he felt when he lost his grandmother. She didn't know how tough it was for him when he had to put his childhood friend, Alex Munoz, on trial. And she most definitely didn't know what had happened in the past with his father.

He knew so much about her. Within the first few months on them knowing each other, he had discovered more about her than it took her college boyfriend to learn in three years of dating. And this worried her. Everything had been working well between them, but was that only because she didn't really know him?

This thought kept her up for most of the night. She tossed and turned, so much so that Rafael roused from his sleep to tell her to 'stop moving'. Before she knew it, the alarm clock blared in her ear. Groaning and grumbling, Rafael crawled from the bed and into the shower. Kate did her usual routine – pulled on one of Rafael's sweaters, her pants and a coat, then made her way across the street for coffee and bagels. She made sure to grab one for the doorman, asking him about his kids and his pregnant wife on her way back up to the apartment.

The bundle of newspapers that Rafael subscribed to was on the doorstep when she got back. She grabbed the financial review (she knew that there wouldn't be anything about her case in it) and sat at the bench. No matter how many times she read the first paragraph of the article on the front page, her mind always drifted back to questioning what she knew about Rafael.

He emerged from his shower, dressed in a blue suit with a grey patterned tie. When he saw the coffee on the bench, his face lit up.

"You are my saviour, _bella alma_ ,"

Before she even knew what she was saying, she asked him the question that had been on her mind all night. "What happened with your father, Rafael?" Kate didn't know if it was the lack of sleep or all the thinking that made her do it, but once she had said the words there was no going back.

He froze, the coffee cup still pressed to his lips. "Why are you asking me that?"

"Lucia mentioned something,"

"What? What did she mention?" His face was still shocked, but she could see the beginnings of anger around his eyes.

"She said that you two had a difference of opinion over him."

He clenched his jaw, looking away from her. "It's nothing, Kate."

"You've mentioned him before, Rafael…and it's never been good."

"I don't want to talk about this," he yelled.

His voice jolted Kate. His angry tone travelled through to her. "Why not?!"

His head shook from side to side in angry disbelief. "Because it's none of your business!"

This was the worst way that he could have reacted, Kate thought. It was if it gave complete validity to her tossing and turning the night before. "Nothing's ever my business!" she yelled back at him. "You know everything about me! That I've been beaten, kidnapped, tortured! That I've killed. And you know how I felt through all of that. And what do I know about you?" she huffed. "That your grandma taught you to dance, and you loved disco."

Rafael turned away from her. "I'm not doing this right now, Kate. I won't do this." He stormed from the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

"He…he still terrifies me."

Kate put her hand on Maddison Davies, the most recent victim's, arm. "Maddison, I'm going to tell you something." She sat next to her on the courtroom bench. It was the first time she had sat with the victims the entire trial. "Damien Bradley is someone who likes power. He likes being in control. But's he's not in control anymore. We are. We have the power over him. We told our stories." She pointed to the empty witness box. "Today, all he is, is a little man sitting in a box, and nothing more."

Maddison nodded. "Okay,"

Kate smiled at her. She was one of the bravest little girls she had ever met. Although Kate had just told Maddison that everything was going to be okay, she was very nervous herself. It was the day that Damien Bradley would finally take the stand; the day that he could say whatever he wanted too. Her heart was beating a little faster in her chest, and this wasn't helped by the fact that she was still angry with Rafael who sat only a few feet from her. They hadn't looked each other in the eye despite the fact that they had been in the same room for at least twenty minutes.

Kate forced herself to shake it off. This was not the time to be thinking about her relationship.

At that moment, the doors to the holding cells opened, and Damien Bradley emerged. He still had this look on his face like the trial was all going to go away; like it was just sham. He took his seat next to Harris. The court was reconvened, the judge entered the room, and Harris called Bradley as her witness.

When he sat down in the witness box, he gave the jury a winning smile. It sent a shiver down Kate's spine.

"Mister Bradley, how are you feeling today?" Harris asked, with a sympathetic yet exaggerated head tilt.

"I'm feeling better."

"Better?"

"Well, I started taking anti-depressants a few weeks ago. There's a big difference in how I feel."

Kate rolled her eyes.

Harris walked over to Bradley so that she was only a few steps from him. "How did you feel before you started taking this medication?"

Bradley pondered the question for a moment. "Out of control."

"I see. Could you elaborate on that?"

Bradley glanced towards the jury. "Well, I felt like I didn't have control of myself…my body, my mind."

"That must have been terrible. Tell me, how long did you feel like that?"

"I suppose it started when I was about twelve."

"So, it's fair to say that you had been dealing with it for a long time?"

"Yes,"

Harris nodded. "So, it could be said that this way of life was normal for you?"

"Yes. Definitely so." The way he spoke was so eloquent. All Kate could think about was his throaty, disgusting laugh as he tortured her. "Yes, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't think it was anything too serious."

Harris leant on the witness box, facing both the jury and Bradley. "Mister Bradley, you don't deny that you were the one who hurt these women?"

Fake sadness came over his face. "No. I take responsibility for what happened."

"So you recognise that you kidnapped, raped, and tortured these women?" she gestured to the front pew where Kate and the other victims sat.

"Yes."

"Even an NYPD detective?"

"Yes."

Harris spoke directly to the jury. "So you knew that Kate Walker was a police officer prior to you kidnapping her?"

Bradley looked to the ground. "Yes, I knew."

"So, you would know that she would be armed? That she would be trained in hand-to-hand combat? That she understood the law?"

"Yes. I knew all of that."

"And you _still_ went after her? Even when you knew you could be caught, injured," she counted on her fingers as she said each action. "Killed, or arrested? That doesn't sound like the actions of a sane man to me," she muttered, as if to herself, but loud enough for all to hear.

"I didn't understand what I was doing."

"How did it feel when you did these acts to these women?"

He spoke to the jury, rather to Harris. "Have you ever played a video game or watched a movie, and you wish a character was doing something different? When you watch horror movies and you yell for them not to go in the basement, but they don't listen. That's what it felt like… excepted I wasn't yelling at a movie…I was yelling at my own body."

Harris sighed. "I'm sorry that you experienced that, Mister Bradley. How do you feel about your actions now?"

He put his head in his hands, and as he spoke his voice broke. "I am so ashamed. I can't believe it was me that did those things. It's like I've woken up from a bad dream. I pray so hard that I could take it all back, because I've ruined so many lives." When he pulled his head, up there were tears in his eyes.

Kate watched him with contempt as he put on his show for the jury. She could feel herself nibbling away at the inside of her cheek with anger and annoyance.

"No more questions." Harris took her seat.

Rafael stared at Bradley for a moment, as if he was deciding how he was going to tear him down. After a few moments, he stood abruptly and strode over to Bradley.

"You said you knew there was something wrong. Why didn't you go to a therapist? To a psychiatrist?"

"I didn't realise that it was that serious."

"Or there was nothing really wrong with you?"

"No!"

"So you only noticed you were mentally ill," Rafael pretended to be thinking. "When? The moment you got arrested? The moment you needed a defence?"

Straight faced, he replied "I always knew there was something wrong, but once I was in custody and evaluated, I realised that my issues were part of a disease."

"Sure." Rafael went back to his desk and opened a folder. "Mister Bradley, what jobs have you had?"

Harris jumped up. "Your honour, relevance?"

"If the court could give me some leniency, it will become clear," he explained, holding up the folder as if it was proof.

The judge nodded.

"Well, I worked at a fast food place in high school," Bradley explained. "Then while I was studying to become a nurse, I was a security guard for a bank, then I did some volunteering at some nursing homes, before going to work at Handon. I've been there ever since."

Rafael nodded along as he listed them. "Right. So let's cut out the fast food place for now. When you went to work as a security guard at a bank, did you have to undergo any checks?"

"I'm pretty sure I did a physical, and had a police check."

A little grin appeared on Rafael's face. "Yes, you did have a physical, and part of said physical was a mental health evaluation. You know, to make sure you weren't going to steal the money."

Kate swore she saw Bradley flinch. "I…I don't remember that."

"Well, the bank that you worked for, Alti Home Group, keep all staff records. And according to your file, you passed with flying colours. Now, if you were insane, how did you do that?"

"My illness was part of my life by then. I became very good at hiding it."

"Well, you must have been very good at the art of deception, Mister Bradley, because you passed five mental health checks. One for nursing school, one for the bank, one for both of the nursing homes you worked at, and one for Handon." Rafael closed the folder and glared at him. "Can you explain that?"

Bradley bit his lip a little. "Those checks don't go in that deep."

"Well, they go deep enough to find anxiety, PTSD, schizophrenia, even mild forms of depression. And you're telling me, that over a period of ten years, not one of these mental health checks picked up what you call a 'serious problem'?"

The annoyance in Bradley's face was obvious. Rafael smiled and walked away from him. "No more questions for this witness."

* * *

Rafael and Kate exchanged glances as they left the courtroom. Rafael disappeared into the courthouse, while Kate and Carisi went out through the back. Carisi managed to drive past the mayhem that was the press, and onto the city streets without issue. Despite Kate's objections, he said he was going to take her out for lunch. He pulled up in front of a tiny diner that was not that far from Kate's apartment.

"They serve ten different kinds of pancakes all day." Carisi said, excited about the prospect of food. "I've been wanting to go there again, but it's not the sort of place you can take a date."

"How's the dating going, anyway?" Kate asked, as she held open the door for him.

"Eh, alright. Haven't found the one, you know?" They slid into a booth, and unwrapped themselves from the layers of coats and scarves. "I went on two dates with a girl from my building. Turns out she was heavily into coke and wanted me to 'be cool with it'."

Kate laughed. She grabbed the menus from behind the salt and pepper shakers.

"Then I went on a date with a detective from homicide. She was a complete weirdo - wouldn't stop talking about gunshot wounds. It was a complete turn off."

"Well, gunshot wounds are the least arousing," she joked. As soon as she saw 'Texas Triple' (three pancakes with bacon, eggs, sausage, steak and spicy barbeque sauce) on the menu, she knew what she was going to get.

The waitress came over and took their orders.

"I'm thinking about asking out Ellie, from Fordham night classes," he continued. "She seemed really quiet at first, but the class went out for drinks last week and she seemed really funny."

"Do it. Then someone else can deal with your god damn Miami Vice obsession!"

"Hey!" he said, pretending to be insulted. "Miami Vice is a good show."

"It sure is, but if you come around wearing high waisted pants and a white jacket, I'm sending back that boxset you ordered."

They laughed.

"What about you? Anybody brave enough to date you?"

"Rude."

"Well, 'Dating Kate Walker' has now surpassed 'Climbing Mount Everest' on the world's toughest challenges."

"Aw, shut up. Some people want to date me…despite my baggage."

Carisi tilted his head, examining her. He squinted his eyes a little. "Oh my god, you're dating someone aren't you!"

"No!"

"You are!" Carisi pointed to Kate, and loudly said "Hey everyone, she's dating someone!"

The one other customer, an uninterested woman in a baseball cap and jeans, simply rolled her eyes and went back to her meal.

"Tell me who it is." The waitress placed two coffees in front of them.

Kate gritted her teeth. She wasn't sure what to do, so instead of straight out lying she tried to tweak the truth. "I can't tell you who he is. We're keeping it a secret for now because of the case and everything. He's a cop."

"It's not Nick is it?"

The speed with which Kate shook her head answered his question before she even spoke. "God no! What would Amanda say, am I right?"

Carisi laughed, and they clinked their mugs together.

"He's from my old prescient. He just moved to the city," she lied.

"Wow. Does he…does he know?"

Kate nodded. "He knows all about me." She suddenly realised it might be an idea to ask Carisi's opinion. "Actually, I need your advice."

"Shoot."

"So, he knows everything about my past, right? But he doesn't really talk about his past with me, and I know there's some issues there. It feels like a really one sided relationship."

"Did you tell him about what happened to you?"

"No. He sort of…found out on the job."

"Okay, if he hadn't found out, would you have told him by now?"

Kate bit her lip. "No."

"Then it's probably the same thing. He probably doesn't want to talk about his baggage just yet."

She nodded. She suddenly felt like an idiot. Their relationship had move so fast, just because of the case. If they were a normal couple, there would be no way that these personal details would be out in the open just yet.

"You're right, Carisi."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Rafael." Kate said. She stood at his door with an apologetic smile on her face. "I shouldn't have pushed it."

Rafael sighed. "I'm sorry too. I handled it terribly. I could have just said I didn't want to talk. I understand how you feel."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, before Kate thought of something to say. "You did well in court today."

Rafael smiled. "I think I did better than 'well'."

She chuckled. "You did, but I didn't want to inflate your ego anymore. It's so puffed up if you let it go, it would probably fly into the atmosphere."

He laughed. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the apartment. The tension was gone as soon as he kissed her.

* * *

It was almost ten thirty at night at the SVU offices. Olivia was in her office writing reports, Nick was reading through the Damien Bradley evidence log so it would be all prepared to go into storage, and Carisi was finishing off all the forms he still hadn't gotten around to.

As Nick scrolled down the list, his eyes laid on one of the items. Printed was ' _1x Macbook Pro 2013'_ , and in the notes section ' _Macbook examined. No evidence pertinent to case found on hard_ _drive_ '. It was as if a lightbulb went off in Nick's mind.

He put the log down, and started up his own computer. Browsing through all the reports on the evidence, he found the information regarding Bradley's iPhone, including the passwords to his Apple accounts. He entered them into the website, searched for a moment, and then his mouth dropped open.

"Oh my god," he whispered to himself.

"What?" Carisi asked from across the room.

He grabbed for his phone."I've got to get the tech guys back here right now!"


	23. Revealed

"Woah, this is a nice building." Carisi commented, staring up at the tall structure in front of him. "Nothing like my one bedroom shoebox."

Olivia slammed the driver's side door. "Well, he's the A.D.A. What do you expect?"

"I'm surprised that he has enough for rent with all those suits he buys," Nick added, sliding out from the back seat.

Carisi chuckled at Nick's joke.

"How much do you think this costs a month?" asked Carisi.

Olivia walked with the two of them in tow to the front door. It was six thirty in the morning and they had been working all night because of Nick's breakthrough in the case.

"Probably more than I make in a month," Nick replied.

The lobby was filled with sleek black furniture and polished stone floors. There was even a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The asked the security guard for Barba's apartment number, flashing their badges quickly to get the information.

The elevator ride up to level twenty nine was filled with more jokes about Barba's salary. They all stepped out and went straight over the third door on the floor. Olivia knocked three times.

* * *

Kate had pulled on one of Rafael's casual sweaters that ended at her finger tips. Other than that, she wore her underwear and nothing else. Rafael had stepped into the shower and she sat watching the morning news, a cup of coffee in on hand. She didn't need to be up at six thirty, but she felt the need to up at the same time as he was so they could have breakfast together. They had spent almost every night together.

Her hair was down and still messy from the sex the night before, and the tossing and turning in her sleep. She still wasn't used to having someone next to her in bed. She heard the shower turn off in the bathroom, and jumped up to put on another pot of coffee.

There was a sharp 'knock knock knock' on the door. Kate hurried to answer it. Rafael had what seemed like every paper in New York delivered to his house, and she was sure it would be one of them.

She pulled open the door and instantly wished she hadn't. There, with shock plastered across their face, was Olivia, Nick and Carisi. She saw each their eyes widen, then do a double take of her.

This was bad.

"Kate?" Carisi scoffed.

"Who's that?" Rafael said from behind her. He appeared in the living room, shirtless, dripping wet, and only a towel around his waist.

This was very bad.

His eyes didn't widen when he saw the sergeant and two detectives at his door. He simply sighed, and looked away from them. "I need some pants and a cup of coffee before we get into this."

If this situation wasn't horribly embarrassing, Kate would have laughed at what he had said. Instead, she stayed straight faced. She stepped to the side and gestured for them to come in.

As soon as the door was closed, Carisi was the first to speak. Carisi was always the first to break an awkward silence. "Well at least we don't have to stop at Kate's apartment anymore to tell her the news."

"What news?" Kate asked. She was hopeful that it was something that would distract from the awkwardness of the situation.

Rafael came back into the room, pulling the hem of a sweater down over loose black pants.

Olivia still had a look of shock and confusion in her eye as she spoke. "We found the videos of the other girls,"

"Oh my god," Kate let out a breath.

"I thought we searched his computer," Rafael asked.

"He didn't clear his iCloud," Nick explained. He produced an iPad and thrust it into Rafael's hands. "And there's something you really should see."

"Third video. Start it at about one hour and two minutes," instructed Carisi.

Rafael did as he said. It was the video of Maddison, the most recent victim besides Kate. She was strung up exactly how Kate had been, crying hysterically.

" _I want to go home_!" she cried.

Bradley moved closer to her and laughed. " _You want to go home? Why am I not entertaining enough? Don't you like this game?"_

" _No! You're scaring me! You're a crazy man!"_

Another disgusting laugh left his mouth. _"Scaring you? You think I'm crazy? Well, being crazy isn't the scary part, kid,"_ His hand stroked her the young flesh of her leg. _"The scary part is that I'm not crazy_!" Another laugh. _"I know exactly what I'm doing, and what I have done and…"_ He pulled her body against his. " _And what I'm doing to do."_

Rafael paused the video and handed the iPad back to Nick. "This is good. This is very good. The jury will hear those words out of his own mouth and the defence might as well go home." He paused, deep in thought. "Go talk to the victims. Tell them about the videos. It will give them some hope."

Olivia nodded, then turned to Nick and Carisi. "Go."

The two detectives turned to leave. Kate instantly spoke up. "Can I go with them? I mean…I've been the one who talked to Maddison since this started."

Olivia's eyes examined Kate, before nodding. "Fine."

Kate hurried to get changed, then without a word to anyone, she left with the other two detectives. She closed the door, quickly meeting eyes with Rafael who she knew was about to face off with Olivia.

Rafael and Olivia stared at each other as they listened for the elevator doors to close. As soon as the electronic 'swoosh' was heard, Olivia pursed her lips.

"Well… this is great."

Rafael crossed his arms. "Listen, I know what I'm doing."

"Do you? Are you absolutely sure about that?" Olivia was stern in her tone of voice. "This is not the right time to be sleeping around with my detectives."

With a huff, Rafael walked into the kitchen in search of the blackest coffee he could find. "I didn't chose the time for this to happen," he called out behind him.

Olivia followed him. "Well, it happened at the worst time possible for this case,"

"This case is rock solid now with those videos,"

"You didn't know those videos existed until five minutes ago, Barba." Olivia yelled. "How long has this been going on?"

Rafael clenched his jaw. "A while."

"How long?!"

"Since the trial started," he admitted, looking down at the kitchen floor.

"Jesus Christ, Barba," Olivia threw her hands up and pressed her fingers to her temples. "And there was something before you slept together, wasn't there?"

He nodded.

"Was that why you told me about Kate and Carisi? Because you were mad at your girlfriend?!"

"No! I had strong evidence to believe they were sleeping together."

"Get off your high horse. You could have lost two detectives their jobs, Barba," A flash of rage passed over her face as she realised something. "And you made me part of it too."

Rafael knew what he had done was wrong, and there was no running away from that. "I'm sorry, Liv."

Still angry, Olivia slumped in one of the stools near the bench. She pressed her forehead into her hands. "You could have caused a mistrial. After all those times when you've yelled at me, at my detectives, over making mistakes…" A deep, exhausted sigh left her mouth. "More than that, you could have…you still can…be disbarred for sleeping with a victim."

Rafael walked slowly over to where she sat, and joined her on one of the stools. With a sigh, he knew he had to tell her so that she would understand. "I didn't do this lightly. I knew the risks, even when I first met her. I knew I shouldn't get involved with someone I work with, but…"

Olivia lifted her head from her hands to watch him speak.

"Before I met her, I only ever loved two women - my grandmother and my mother," He pressed his lips together as he thought. "And now there's a third name on the list. I know it's not smart, it's not the best timing – for either of us, but we just…"

"I get it." Her voice had softened, but there was still a hint of sternness. "Believe me, I get it. And as your friend, I am so very happy for you. But as a sergeant, I have to let you know that if you let a rapist walk free, I'll be reporting you to the bar association."

Rafael nodded. "Fair enough."

They sat in silence as minutes passed.

Eventually, he stood, and poured them both a fresh coffee.

Just before Olivia took her first sip, she quietly said "I should probably tell you that if you hurt her I'll kick your ass…but I'm sure she'll be happy to kick your ass herself."

* * *

"So…Barba, eh?" Carisi said as he pulled out of the parking space.

Kate nodded weakly. "Barba."

"I thought you two hated each other," Nick said from the passenger seat.

"There's a thin line between hate and passion," Carisi said before she could answer. "Aye! Watch it buddy!" he screamed as a driver cut him off. "So when you said that you were dating a cop, you were lying?"

"Just tweaking the truth,"

Being on the roads at this time meant she was going to be trapped in the car with them for at least an hour. For at least ten minutes, the two men tiptoed around questions about her relationship with Rafael. It was incredibly awkward. She tried her best to answer them without spilling every detail about her lover.

The awkwardness only stopped when Carisi glanced at her in the rear view mirror and bluntly said "I honestly was starting to think that you were gay,"

Kate was surprised. "What? No?"

Nick's eyes widened at Carisi. "Why did you think that?"

"I don't know. You just…you know…had that vibe. And you said that you didn't want to tell me who you were dating, so…." he shrugged.

Everyone in the car chuckled. The tense and uncomfortable feel of the car diminished as soon as laughter erupted.

Still laughing, Nick spun around to face her Kate. "We'll drop it now."

"Thank you," Kate said, giving Nick a look of genuine gratitude. "Oh, and please don't tell Finn and Rollins."

Kate saw a flash of uncertainty in Nick's eyes before he agreed. Carisi uttered a simple "wasn't planning too", then turned up the radio.

The sigh of relief that left her body was audible even over the music.

"Wait, one more question" Carisi said.

"Okay…"

"How many suits does he own?"

Kate just laughed.

* * *

Harris sat in her office with a law book open in front of her and the end of a pen in her mouth. She had kicked off her heels, and curled her legs under her body on the leather couch next to her desk.

A knock came at her door. She looked up and saw the smug face of Barba.

"Come to offer me a deal?" she asked, raising her right eyebrow.

He pressed his lips together in a smile. "I was going to give you the offer to plead guilty actually so that your career isn't completely ruined."

She tossed the book beside her. "My career's rock solid."

He strode over to her and handed her his iPad with videos open on the screen. "Are you sure about that?"

Her brow creased. She took the tablet and pressed play. Ten minutes later, after skimming through the videos, Harris handed it back to Barba. She flopped back on the couch, dramatically throwing an arm over her eyes.

"Well," she sighed. "This is just _great_."

"He pleads guilty, life in prison with no parole, and you can save face." Rafael offered.

She lifted her arm from her eyes just a little and peered at him through the gap. "This is the case of my career, Barba. If I made a deal, especially that pathetic one, my boss would kill me."

"This case is a sinking ship," he said, pressing the iPad into his bag. "I'd advise going overboard while you still have the chance."

Harris sat up and pressed her lips to her prayer-like hands in front of her. "I can't. You know that."

Barba looked at her, a little unimpressed. "Fine. You were a worthy opponent, Harris."

"You too, Barba,"

He turned and headed out of the office, but he paused at the door. Behind him he yelled out "That's because I don't let anything distract me,"

"Get out of here," she said with a little laugh.

As soon as he was gone, she groaned. This was bad. Bradley's own words would send him to prison.

Barba was good. Very good. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find a defence or a route around what Bradley had said in the video. Then suddenly, an idea popped into her head.

"He doesn't let anything distract him," she whispered to herself, repeating his words.

She had wanted this case to take her career to the next level. She had planned for a pay raise, a front page picture in the newspaper, and a promotion with a new office. She had started looking at new apartments, planned a holiday in Bora Bora in June of the next year, and started dog-earring pictures of expensive furniture. And it was all going down the drain.

"He doesn't let anything distract him," she said again, pulling her laptop over to her and opening it.

Harris knew what she had to do. It wasn't right. It was downright horrible, but this case was the pathway to her life.

She opened up a search engine, and quickly typed in the words ' _private investigator new york'_.


	24. Torn

" _Buen provencho!_ "Rafael said, placing a festive looking plate in front of her. He had called Kate about three in the afternoon and told her that the case might as well be closed, so he was going home early. He picked her up from her apartment, and as soon as she stepped in the car she could smell spices. Full bags of groceries in the backseat of the car seemed to be the culprit. When they got to his apartment, he instructed her that she wasn't allowed to help whatsoever. Kate didn't mind this at all. She leaned on the bench and watched him cook. He rolled up the sleeves of his white button up, and threw an apron on over the top. It took forty minutes to cook, and looked absolutely delicious.

Kate smiled at her appetizing plate. She hooked a finger into one of his apron ties and pulled him close to her for a kiss. "He cooks, he kisses, he takes down bad guys…"

"I'm very obviously the Cuban Superman." He put his own plate down beside her and took a seat. "I'm pretty much the same as the regular Superman, but I don't wear glasses."

Kate had to stop herself from practically shovelling the yellow rice and chicken into her mouth. It was so good, she was seriously considering if she could simply pour it down her throat.

"So…the team knows now," said Rafael.

"Half the team," Kate corrected, pointing her fork at him.

"Olivia sure put me in my place this morning."

"If she didn't, she wouldn't be Liv. They'll get over it. A joke from Carisi here and there, a disapproving stare from Nick, then it'll all blow over."

"They wouldn't say anything to IAB, would they?"

"God, no!" Kate put down her fork for a moment, then laid a hand on his knee. "Look, cops date cops. Lawyers date lawyers. Cops date lawyers. We're all married to the job so where else are we going to meet people. As long as it doesn't stop us from doing what we're there to do, no one cares. And as long as this," she pointed to them both. "Stays quiet until after Bradley's conviction, there's nothing to worry about."

Rafael pondered on this for a moment, before smiling and nodding. "Alright." He turned back to his food. "By the way, Liv said she would kick my ass if I did anything to hurt you,"

Kate gave him a confused, yet unimpressed look.

"But she also made it very clear that you'll do the ass kicking just fine."

"Damn right!"

Rafael chuckled.

"Hey, wait! How come I didn't get a talking to? She didn't tell me that I wasn't allowed to hurt you."

"I told her you met my mother," he replied. "I figure she thought that the Lucia Barba fury would be enough to punish you."

Kate laughed.

* * *

Rafael disappeared from six every morning until six every night for a week straight. He spent all his time drafting motions, going to meetings, and fighting off ridiculous attempts by Harris to get the videos excluded. The judge wasn't having any of it. The videos and extra charges were permitted into the court case. Court was set to resume on a Friday.

Kate busied herself. Her IAB ordered psych evals continued. She had grown to like Doctor Margret Murphy a lot. Kate could easily tell her anything, and she enjoyed the challenges the doctor gave her. Every question made her think, and every answer took a while to formulate. Other than those rare appointments, Kate built things in her apartment, cooked meals, read every book that she had always told herself she would read one day, and explored the city more. She realised she had never seen the tourist side of New York – it was a bit hard to take in the Statue of Liberty when you were crouching over a bloody corpse, so she hit all the spots, and actually enjoyed it.

Her nights were usually spent with Rafael. They went on more frequent dates – sometimes simply to El Lugar, but others were spent at small, out of the way restaurants or movie theatres. One time they managed to get a private booth to watch a Spanish dance festival at a busy theatre. She stayed off and on at his apartment, sometimes enjoying going back to her home to just laze about.

Although she was now enjoying her time off, she still had a strong urge to go back to work. She loved hearing about the cases from Carisi when they hung out. Even going to the Bradley court cases made her miss being part of the team.

She was feeling just this way when court resumed on the Friday. Only Finn and Nick could make it to this session as the others were tied up in a case involving a senator with child porn found on his phone. The session didn't include anything that the team didn't know was going to happen. The new charges were laid against Bradley. Two counts of rape, one attempted rape, three kidnapping and three counts of torture turned into seven rapes, one attempted, eight kidnappings and eight counts of torture. There would have been more if it were for the victim that committed suicide, and those that didn't want to testify. The victims who were previous excluded testified and were cross-examined. Harris, despite being aboard a sinking ship, still tried her hardest to discredit each of their stories. However, if there was a scoreboard, Rafael most definitely won that round with his sympathetic attitude towards the victims and clear links between the rapes and Bradley.

Court was adjourned for the day, and the court room began to clear out. Despite Nick and Finn offering her rides home, she declined. She knew the best exits from the courthouse to avoid the press, and could easily get home in a taxi. She waved them off and headed down the stairwell to the underground car park where she would make her secretive exit.

A hand grabbed her arm tightly.

Flashbacks of Bradley's touch ran through her mind. She spun around, grabbing the arm in a death grip and instantly preventing the person from moving.

"Jesus Christ!" Harris said.

Kate let out a relieved, but annoyed sigh. "God damn it. What the hell do you want, Harris?"

A smug smile crossed her face. "I just want to have a chat."

"You can't talk to me, remember?" said Kate, rolling her eyes.

"Why not? We're just too girls having a little gossip."

"Ah huh. And what are we gossiping about?"

"Well," she said, putting a finger to her lips while she thought. "Oh, that's right! I wanted to talk about how you and A.D.A Barba are sleeping together."

Internally, alarm bells went off inside Kate's brain, but she kept her face completely composed. "Me? And Barba? That would never happen," she retorted, walking away.

"Oh, so Barba takes all of his friends to private booths at the theatre?"

Kate froze, her back still to Harris. How could she know that? They arrived separately, and left separately. Nobody from the theatre could have seen them where they sat.

She turned around slowly to look at the smug lawyer. As soon as she made eye contact with her, a devilish smile stretched across Harris's face. She reached into her bag and pulled out a folder, then offered it to Kate.

When she didn't take it, Harris said "You _really_ need to see what's in this folder, detective."

Kate snatched it from her. She clenched her teeth together when she saw what was inside. There were pictures. Hundreds of them. Her and Rafael at the theatre. Her and Rafael at El Lugar. Her and Rafael at the supermarket. Her and Rafael kissing.

"Private investigators do some great work, don't they?"

Kate rubbed her eyes. "What do you want, Harris?"

"I want to win this case," she replied, pursing her lips together.

"And you want me to…what? Change my testimony? That's never going to happen."

"No, honey." She came very close to Kate. Kate instinctively leaned away from her. "I want you to break up with Rafael."

Kate's stomach dropped. She wrinkled her face. "What?! You're crazy!"

"Am I? Barba is on his game right now. And he's pummelling me. I wonder how he'll do when the love of his life rips his heart in two."

Kate scoffed at her. "That's never going to work."

"Well, we'll have to see won't we?"

"I won't do that."

Harris leaned into Kate's ear. "If you don't, I'll call a mistrial. Not sleeping with a victim is rule number one. And all those victims will have to testify again. Barba will probably be disbarred."

The realisation that she may have a point hit Kate hard. She began scrambling for an option. "I'll tell him what you're doing."

"If you do that, he'll report it to the judge. We still get a mistrial, I still release the photos, and I tell them that this meeting never happened. That you and Barba made this meeting up to try to stop me outing you two."

Kate ran a hand through her hair. No, she couldn't break up with Rafael. He was the light of her life at this point. He meant too much to her. But, what if she didn't? His career would be over, her career would be over, Bradley would probably go free and if he didn't, all those victims would be put through the torture of another trial. There was no right thing to do.

"I can't…" she began.

Harris smirked. "Oh yes you will. You're too good a person, and too good a cop to destroy that many people." She sauntered away, but before she left she called out "Give me a ring once you've made your decision. My cards in the file."

* * *

Kate spent the next two days contemplating what she was going to do. She told Rafael that she had the flu and didn't want to get him sick. Alone in her apartment, she read through every law book and website she could find to see if what Harris had done was illegal. It wasn't. The only result of what she had done was exactly what Kate was trying to prevent – a mistrial. Once she exhausted every legal option, she thought about calling Olivia. Or Carisi. Or Nick. She thought about running. Running far from New York city and not looking back at the mess she was in. She thought about hiring someone to threaten Harris, but as soon as that idea entered her mind, she shook it off. She wasn't that sort of person.

Her mind churned with the idea of having to put the victims through another trial. All she could see was Maddison Davies face behind her eyes. She couldn't let that happen.

She made her decision an hour before she called Harris, but she spent that time crying. She cried, screamed, and threw things across the room. Eventually, she ended up sitting in the centre of the apartment with her phone and Harris's business card. She was just…numb. With tears still streaming down her face, she dialled Harris's number.

She picked up on the third ring. "Harris."

Kate couldn't say anything but the two words she dreaded. "I'll do it."

There was no easy way to do this. Kate leaned against the window in Rafael's apartment staring at the city. This would probably be the last time she got to do this. Her mind was replaying her conversation with Harris again and again, but no matter how many times she thought through it, there was no loophole where both Rafael and Kate came out unscathed. She had to do it. She had to break up with Rafael.

The question was: how would she do it? Would she tell him that it just wasn't working? No. Their time together was going too well for him to believe that. Would she tell him that she was worried about her past? No, that wouldn't work either. He knew everything already.

Would she just disappear and leave a note? Her stomach turned at that idea, but she knew that was the only option she wanted at this point. She couldn't look him in the eyes and tear his heart in two.

Do it now, she ordered herself. And with that, she began scurrying around the apartment grabbing all her things. She scribbled a note that read 'I can't do this anymore. Please don't call me', and left it on the countertop.

She ran to the door, but stopped and looked back at the apartment. It was like she was glancing back at all the happiness she had built before she tore it down. _I should have known_ , she thought, _I can never have anything good_.

There was a key in the door. Before she could react, Rafael appeared in front of her.

"Hey, you must be feeling bett…" His eyes dropped to the bag at her side, and his face fell. "What are you doing?"

Kate's heart pounded against her chest. Her breath quickened, and she couldn't look him in the eyes as she said it. "I…can't do this anymore."

It was like Rafael had been jolted by electricity. He took a step backwards with the shock. "What?" His briefcase clattered to the floor as he dropped it. "What do you mean?"

Kate swallowed. She could feel hot tears pressing against her eyes. She had to make this believable. She had to make sure he didn't come after her again. Her eyes met his. "I don't want to be with you anymore."

There is a moment – it only lasts a millisecond or so- when it is possible to see the human heart break. Eyes suddenly become desperate, the body sinks down, weakened, and the face loses all emotion. This is what Kate saw happen to Rafael. And as it happened to him, she felt her body react in the same way..

He shook his head in disbelief. "Why?"

Kate let out a shaky sigh. She couldn't think of a valid reason. "Rafael…" she began.

"Is it…" He had to take a deep breath before he could keep speaking. "…is it because I won't tell you about my father?"

The realisation struck Kate that this was the excuse she was going to have to use. To keep Rafael away from her, to save his career, and to make sure that the victims of Damien Bradley got justice, this was what she was going to have to say.

"I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me," she lied. "I've lived my life in hiding, Rafael. I won't be with someone who is doing the same."

He brushed his fingers through his hair roughly. Letting his hands rest on his head, he looked around frantically. "Where is this coming from?"

"It's been a long time coming…"

"I don't understand. I thought…I thought we were great together."

Every time Kate saw his face; saw the desperation, it felt like a stab in the stomach. "We were for a while."

He dropped his hands from his head and faced her front on. "I'll tell you anything. I'll tell you all you need to know about me. About my father."

The burning tears behind her eyes pushed too hard and they spilled from her face. "Rafael, don't."

He didn't listen. "He beat me, and my mother. All the time. One time I saw him pick my mother up by the throat. When he died, I was so relieved…so happy. But my mother suddenly forgot all the bad things that he did. Acted like everything was all in my head." As he talked, his entire body tensed up. She could see how badly this hurt to talk about. "And I don't talk about it because every time I do, I see my mother's bloody face."

Kate pushed herself to ignore what he said. "It's too late." Tears were running freely down her face.

The sight of Kate crying…the devastation of having his heart broken…and the trauma of reliving his childhood became too much. Rafael's eyes clouded up.

"What do you mean it's too late?"

"It…it took me breaking up with you for you to tell me something personal. What will it take next time?"

His mouth pulled downwards as his face contorted in pain. He knew she was right. It was silent between them.

Kate knew it was time to go. She started walking towards the door.

Suddenly, Rafael came close to Kate so that their noses were almost touching. His hand held her cheek. She could see tears in his eyes, and his touch made her want to take everything she said back.

"Kate…I've never met anyone like you. You changed everything." His thumb stroked her cheek. "I can't imagine my life without you now. I don't want to imagine it."

She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't witness the desperation and pain in his eyes anymore. He was begging her to stay, and he was speaking the truth. Everything had changed, and she couldn't imagine life without him either. But it didn't matter.

"I was starting to lov…"

She inhale sharply. "Don't say it, Rafael."

He rested his forehead against hers. "I was starting to love you."

She paused for moment. She wanted to remember him. She took in the warmth of his skin against her. She committed the sound of his voice to memory. She made sure to think about his smell. She didn't want to forget any of it.

When she had absorbed every part of him into her memory, she knew it had to be the end. "It doesn't change anything."

She felt his forehead wrinkle against hers in pain, and she heard the sharp intake of breath.

There was no way she could stay there any longer. She needed to get out of that apartment.

With one final reminder of his hand on her cheek, she ripped herself away from him. She walked to the door, opened it and looked back at him. "I'm sorry, Rafael."

He didn't move. He just stared into nothingness.

She left the apartment. She didn't even realise she was running. Her feet carried her to the elevator, and as soon as she was alone inside, she threw her bag against the wall. Her fist punched the doors, and she screamed. She screamed again. And again. And again.


	25. Run

**Sorry for the long gap between updates guys - uni got really busy, then I went on a two week vacation. Anyway, it's good to be back. There's only five more chapters of this story left after this one, so prepare yourselves.**

* * *

Rafael didn't leave the office for the weekend. While most of the staff were off living their lives, he sat on the leather couch near his desk preparing for court on Monday. Anyone who came near him instantly regretted it. His secretary could stand him more than two hours on Saturday before she left filled with anger. He never let himself have a moment to think about what was happening. His head was occupied with legislation and precedents. He survived on coffee and peanuts from the vending machine. Eventually, he went home on the Sunday night. As soon as he entered the apartment, he was hit with the memories of what had occurred there only a few days before. With a bottle of bourbon, he leaned against the window and looked down on the city.

Kate wasn't doing any better. She had rolled herself in her blanket, sat on her floor and turned on the television. There she stayed for both Saturday and Sunday. She wasn't even sure what she had watched during that time. Even when her phone buzzed with messages from the team, she replied with one word responses before returning to her misery. By the time Monday morning rolled around, Kate was a mess. And she felt even worse on the inside knowing that she would have to see Rafael that day in court. When she finally pulled herself from her duvet and looked in the mirror, she flinched. Dark circles and red puffed up skin from where she had been crying surrounded her eyes. Her hair was a mess, and her skin just seemed listless. She did her best to look presentable, but no matter how much concealer she put on, the dull look in her eyes gave away all her emotions.

Carisi had offered to pick her up, and as soon as her saw her, he frowned. "Well, you look…glamorous."

Kate was too tired for this. "Not today, Carisi," she said as she got into his car.

"Come on! Today's the day Barba smashes Harris to the ground with those videos. You should be excited."

She slumped against the window. "Just…not today."

When they got to the courthouse, Kate did all she could to avoid running into Rafael. She spent ten minutes hiding in the bathroom until the last minute. Even when she came into the court room, she didn't sit at the front, but rather three rows back with her head bent down. When he came into the room, she covered her face as if she was looking at something interesting in the opposite direction. It wasn't that she didn't want him to see her, rather she couldn't deal with locking eyes with him. All her guilt, anger and sadness would just come spilling out. Just hold it together for a few hours, she told herself. She was thankful when he sat down with his back to her.

When court reconvened, the judge reminded the jury and the audience of the changes to the case. Then it was time for Bradley to take the stand once again. For the first time in the entire case, Bradley actually looked a little bit rattled. It was as if he realised that his world was about to come crashing down.

"Mister Barba, your witness," the judge instructed as Bradley took his seat in the witness box.

Rafael nodded and stood. "Could you remind the court what your defence is in this case?"

Bradley rubbed his lips together before answering. "Not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect,"

"And your defence counsel brought a psychiatrist to the stand to testify. What did they say?"

"That I was insane."

"Mister Bradley," Rafael turned back to his desk to grab his papers. "Could you…" At this moment, he and Kate made eye contact.

It was if everything else in the world disappeared around them. All the pain each of them had felt was held in that stare.

"Barba? Barba!" the judge said loudly, grabbing his attention back.

Rafael snapped out of it. "Sorry, your honour. Mister Bradley, could you tell the…um…" Their eyes locked again. This time only for a second. "Sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought." He rubbed his temples, then turned completely away from Kate. "A neurologist also testified to this fact. Is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct."

"And could you please inform the court of your own testimony?"

"Well, I believe I am…"

Damien Bradley's voice drowned out in Rafael's mind. All he could think about was Kate. He knew she was behind him, and he couldn't stop replaying what she had said to him when they broke up.

"Next question, Mister Barba!" The judge yelled.

Rafael realised that Bradley had stopped talking, and he was simply staring at the wood of the judge's bench. He shook himself out of it again. As he did so, he swore he could see Harris grinning.

Kate knew she had to go. It was all too much for her, and all too much for Rafael. She stood from the seats and shuffled along until she stood in the centre aisle. With one

"Do you need a recess, counsellor?" asked the judge.

Rafael spun around to see Kate standing up. She gave him a sad and sharp nod, then slowly left the courtroom. Carisi followed her out.

"No, your honour," he sighed. "We don't." He turned back to Bradley. "So, you, multiple medical professionals, and ex-criminals have testified that you do in fact have a mental disease?"

"Yes,"

Rafael sauntered over to the television with new found ability now that Kate was gone. "Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to present you with a video captured by our very own Damien Bradley here."

The video popped up on the screen. The image of a girl strung up naked shocked the courtroom, but not as much as Bradley's own admission of guilt when from his own mouth when the sound from the video rang out throughout the room.

" _You think I'm crazy? Well, being crazy isn't the scary part, kid. The scary part is that I'm not crazy_! _I know exactly what I'm doing, and what I have done and…and what I'm doing to do."_

The court bust into chaos. Reporters stood from their spots to run out and make phone calls. Outraged family members of the victims yelled obscenities. The supporters of Bradley also jumped up in his defence, spouting lies about 'police bias' and 'illegally collected evidence'.

"Order!" The judge banged the gavel until the room quietened.

Once a hush had fallen, Rafael paused the video and looked Bradley directly in the eye. "Can you explain that, Mister Bradley?"

He clenched his jaw angrily and through gritted teeth, he almost whispered "No. I cannot."

Rafael spun to face the jury. "The words from his mouth - 'I'm not crazy'. This man knows he isn't crazy. He just told us this. So, why as soon as he gets caught is he suddenly mentally diseased?" He delivered his last line as he sat down. "Seems like convenient timing to me."

* * *

"Come on, Barba," Olivia said, nudging him with her elbow. "Let me buy you one drink. My team definitely will be the ones who send Bradley to prison, but you'll be the one to throw away the key.

"I'm fine. Thank you." He grumbled.

Olivia put a restrictive arm out in front of him like she was lowering a boom gate. "I'm going to rephrase that. I'm _going_ to buy you a drink, and you are _going_ to drink it."

He rolled his eyes, but he knew he wasn't able to escape the Sergeants offer. "Fine."

* * *

An hour later, Rafael was leaning his head on the wood of the bar. Five bourbons in thirty minutes had taken its toll, but he still gripped onto to the glass containing his sixth.

Olivia sat next to him, a glass of red wine in her hand and a confused look on her face. She had never thought of Barba as someone who could be drunk. He always held his liquor, but that night he was drunk. Well, that's what happens when you drink that much that quick, she thought to herself.

He had spent the last ten minutes rambling on about legal reform, most of which was just him saying 'we need it…Liv go reform something…'

Olivia sighed as she watched him take another sip. "You know, I took you out to celebrate and this doesn't feel much like celebrating."

His head shot up from the bar, but flopped around a little as if it was having difficulty staying attached to his neck. "Well, I'm… certainly let…letting everyone down lately, aren't I?" he slurred.

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"Kate." He said as if it was obvious. "She dumped me." His voice went up in pitch as he said 'me'.

"Wait…she what?"

"Yep." He downed the glass. His face contorted for a moment, then turned face into a frown. "She said that…I," he pointed to himself with a shaky finger. "…couldn't share. I knew too much about her, but she…she didn't know enough about me."

"Oh, Barba," Liv laid a hand on his back.

He shook it off. "No, no! I'm fine. I mean…we were just sleeping together. It's not…it's not like I loved her or anything."

She tilted her head to look at the sadness on his face. "Yes you did,"

He slumped in defeat. "I did. And now, she's gone."

"You can try to get her back,"

"I tried!" he almost yelled. "I told her about my father which I don't tell anyone, but she said it didn't make a difference."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. The Kate she knew would never act like that. But it wasn't her relationship, and she wasn't the one that could fix it. All she could do was try to help her destroyed friend in front of her. "I'm sorry, Barba."

"I'm so tired, Liv." He pressed his head into his hands.

"I'll call you a cab," she said, pulling out her phone. She noticed a missed call from her nanny. "Hold on, I've just got to make another call first."

She walked away from Barba and into the bathrooms at the back. This was a big mistake, because as soon as Rafael saw that she was gone, he ripped his own phone from his suit pocket, and dialled a number.

It rang four times before she picked up.

"Rafael, I…" Kate began.

"I cooked you Cuban food!" he yelled into his phone. "I don't do that for just anyone!"

"What?" she said, slightly taken aback by the odd conversation. "Rafael, are you drunk?"

"Damn right," he replied, almost incoherently. "And you are sober because you are fine with this break up, aren't you? Everything's just great for old Kate, isn't it?"

There was a moment of silence on the other end. "No. It's not."

"Sure. I'm sure you've already moved on to some poet who can pour his feelings out to you, and you two can talk about tragedies all you want."

"Please, don't…"

"Don't say please to me, Kate."

He heard a sigh on the other end. "What bar are you at? Who are you with?"

"I am at a bea…beautiful little place called Finnegan's. I think it might be Irish. And it's none of your business who I'm with, because you left me."

"You're not going to drive home are you?"

Rafael chuckled. "You know what? Maybe I will."

"Rafael, don't drive!" Kate yelled.

"What? What? What was that?" he asked as he pulled the phone from his ear. "You're breaking up." He could still hear her desperate pleas as he ended the call.

He laid his head back down on the bar and let the feelings of sadness wash over him. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol that was making his head heavy, or the constant, mind-numbing thoughts that had plagued him since they broke up. He had been broken up with before. A woman he was seeing just after he became the A.D.A told him that he never had time for her. He didn't care enough to fight for her to stay. In fact, when she told him, all he did was nod, then go back to work. The other women he had in his life he had broken up with – either because he was going to college, he was too busy or he just didn't feel a connection. Kate was the first woman that had broken his heart.

A hand cupped around his shoulder. "Cab's coming to get your in fifteen minutes, Barba."

"Ruining my fun?" he asked without lifting his head.

"Always," Olivia chuckled. She pried the half full glass from his fingers and handed to the bartender, gesturing for him to take it away.

She let him sit there for ten minutes, babbling about nonsense, until it was time to get him up. Putting a hand around his arm, she hoisted him from the stool. He swayed as he walked, but he was able to move with his full weight. Olivia acted more as a way to keep him balanced.

She pulled him through the doors of the bar and onto the street, where she propped him up against a lamp post. Her head swivelled from side to side as she looked for the cab. She kept her eyes planted on the traffic coming towards them, and one hand on Barba's shoulder.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Barba yelled suddenly, making Olivia jump.

"Wha…" Liv began, but paused as she spun and saw who he was talking about.

Kate stood awkwardly in front of them, her hands shoved in her pockets and her face the picture of misery. "He called me – said that he was going to drive home," she explained, facing Olivia. She didn't want to meet Rafael's eyes.

"Well, I… I'm not driving home so you can leave," he said, swaying forward.

Kate began to turn away. "I…I shouldn't have come."

The cab pulled up in front of Liv and Rafael. Olivia pushed him towards it, but he resisted.

"No! You shouldn't have come. You shouldn't have come into my life!" he screamed at her.

She paused with her back to him, and hung her head.

"You…you shared a bed with me for weeks, months…you met my mother…you made me dance..." he yelled, pulling against Olivia's grasp.

"Get into the cab, Barba." Olivia told him.

"And then you just leave?"

Olivia ripped the door open, and pushed him as hard as she could until he toppled into the cab. "Jesus Christ," she muttered, slamming the door.

Kate was still huddled faced away from them. A hand covering her mouth in an attempt to prevent herself crying.

Olivia leaned in and gave the driver instructions, then tapped on the roof. The cab sped off.

As soon as it was gone, Kate turned around to look at Olivia. "I didn't know you were with him. I just made it so much worse."

"It's okay, Kate. You were just trying to look out for him." Olivia sighed. "But, I've got to ask, you two were so happy. What happened?"

"It just didn't work out for us," she said, dropping her eyes to the ground.

Olivia pressed her eyes shut for a moment, debating whether she should continue to talk to her about this, but she knew, at that moment, she had to be a friend. "Kate, I've worked with thousands of victims. And a number one thing they are worried about is how they are going to tell the people that they love. How is a girl going to explain to her husband that she was raped at fourteen? How is a dad going to explain why he was a victim of abuse?" She paused, and took a deep breath before continuing. "And…how is someone going to tell the person they loved that they killed their brother in self defence?"

Kate's face scrunched, and a teary frown appeared on her face.

"You've spent your life worrying about and hiding you past because you were terrified of what people would think," she continued. "And I know, that you wouldn't break up with someone for doing the exact same thing. You wouldn't stop loving him because he doesn't want to talk about his past. That's exactly how you've lived your life for more than two decades."

Kate ran a shaky hand through her hair. "Well, I guess I really am I monster then, huh?"

"Jesus, Kate. What's going on? This isn't you!"

Kate felt the last straw of all her anger, pain, guilt and sadness suddenly snap. "I didn't have a choice!" she screamed, throwing her hands into the air.

Olivia flinched backwards at the sudden outburst. "What?"

"Margret Harris. She knows about Rafael and I. She has photos, and she said I had to break up with him!"

"Woah, woah…say that again. Tell them the whole story."

"Margret Harris came to me. She showed me photos of Rafael and I kissing. She's worried that she's losing the case, so she wants to throw Rafael's off his game, and the only way to do that was for me to break up with him."

"Oh my god…" Olivia whispered.

"If I don't break up with him, then she goes causes a mistrial because he's sleeping with a victim. He gets disbarred, I'll get fired for sure, and the victims will have to testify all over again. If I tell Rafael about it, it still causes a mistrial, and we'll still be investigated."

"This…this has to be illegal."

Kate scoffed. "You'd think, right? Nope. It's not considered witness tampering because I've already given my statement. If I report it, then the information about Rafael and I will still come to light, and the mistrial still happens."

"Can't you explain this to Rafael?"

"I've already broken that man's heart," she said, wiping a tear away from her eye. "I don't want to lose him his job too."

Olivia stared at the ground. "This isn't right. This isn't fair."

Kate gave her a sad smile. "Hey, I'm used to an unfair life by now." She let out a sigh, and turned away from her sergeant. "Bye, Olivia."

* * *

Curled up in her bed, Kate stared at the wall until she started to see strange patterns and shapes within the paint. Everything was collapsing around her. Again. This time it was even worse. This time she had gained so much, and lost it all.

She knew what she had to do. She was going to do what she had always done.

Her left hand reached over to her bedside table and grabbed her laptop. She opened it, and typed three words into the search engine: _apartments San Francisco_

She was going to run.


	26. Statements

It was the final day of the trial. Kate had spent half an hour that morning staring at herself in the mirror. She needed to go to court that day. She needed to see the light in Bradley's eyes dim as Rafael delivered his closing argument. But this was problematic because of Rafael. The incident at the bar had left her even more broken than before, but she had developed a plan so that she would never have to see him again; never have to feel the heartbreak again. Once the case was closed, she would turn in her papers. She would move to San Francisco. She would get a job in an office – a job where she could grow old, do the same thing every day, and spend lunchtimes around the watercooler talking about her 401k. It hurt in every way to think about doing this, but it was her only option at this point.

When she arrived at the courthouse, she huddled in the backrows with her head angled down as Rafael entered the courtroom. He walked to his desk with such determination, and almost slammed his briefcase down on the table. Kate flinched as he did so. Little did she know that Rafael had made a plan too. To completely and utterly ignore Kate. After his out of character drunken antics a few nights prior, he made a resolution to ignore her, ignore the situation and ignore his feelings. He was to act exactly as he did before. And that's what he was doing that day in court. He wasn't going to let Kate distract him. There was no way he wasn't going to get a conviction.

Court was called to order. The judge instructed Harris to begin her closing statement. She rose, pulled her perfectly tailored blazer down and walked to stand in front of the jury.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my client is Damien Bradley, and he is a victim."

Kate rolled her eyes.

"No, he is not a victim of a crime, but a victim of his own mind. He spent so much of his childhood and early teens adapting to his mental illness that he didn't even realise that something could be wrong."

She sauntered over to Rafael's desk and placed all of her fingertips on it. "The prosecution wants you to believe that this is simply a defence tactic. Then why have we heard countless testimonies from neurologists, psychologists, biochemists and even convicted criminals that this is not the case? Could Damien Bradley _fake_ brain scans? No. The prosecution have brought forward psychiatrists that say there's no actual name for what is wrong with my client. But I ask you, did schizophrenia have name in the beginning? Did depression? Mister Barba will say 'why didn't this illness appear on his evaluations in the past?'. To that I say: every person has something to hide, something they wish to keep a secret. With my client, however, he didn't even know what he was hiding he was that sick."

She walked the length of the jury box twice. "I say to you again, that my client is the victim. To use Bradley's own description, he felt like an audience member watching a horror movie. Can you imagine that? Horrible to think about isn't it?"

Harris pointed to the first member of the jury, a balding man with a green shirt and round glasses. "Imagine that you witness a beating. You're horrified. But then it gets even worse. You realise that you own the fists." Her accusatory finger moved onto the next juror, a middle aged woman with short hair. "Imagine that you see someone kill a child, and you look down and it's the knife in your hands." She moved to the third person. "And imagine, just like Damien Bradley, you see someone hurting women. And then you realised that you are the one doing it.

"Trust me when I say that this man will not live a day without paying for what he's done, but it won't be in prison…" She tapped her temple. "It will be in his mind. He will have to live with what he did, forever. So, I say to you: find him not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect, so he can get the help he needs."

She met each of the juror's eyes for a moment, before drifting back to her bench.

"A.D.A Barba." The judge said. "Closing argument?"

Rafael rose from his seat, and took three strides until he stood in front of the jury box. His eyes ran over each person, and he let out a sad sigh.

"Ladies and Gentleman, Damien Bradley is a man who craves power. He wants power over women, power over their lives, power over the law and power over the courts. This…dictator…knows that he must stay in power. That's why he has used the mental defect defence. This man knows that mental illness will shield him from the horrific, terrifying crimes that he has committed. Do not give this man power. Do not let him trivialise mental illness." Rafael paused for a moment, and spun to face Bradley. "Damien Bradley wants you to believe he is crazy. He wants you to believe that his crazed mind forced him to hurt these innocent girls and women. But he is a skilled deceiver, a magician if you will, that has made his illness appear and disappear like a parlour trick.

"You have heard multiple psychiatrists, doctors, neurologists and medical professionals attest that this man," Rafael aggressively pointed to Bradley. "…is not mentally ill. In fact, you have heard it out of his own mouth. ' _I am not crazy_.' These were his words. No, Damien Bradley is not crazy. He is deceptive, cunning and a psychopathic narcissist who enjoys torturing women.

"Please do not be mistaken by Counsellor Harris's words. Damien Bradley is not the victim. The victims in this case are the women sitting in this court room today that Bradley drugged, kidnapped, tortured and raped. The victims are those whose lives he has ruined. The victims are those that have had their experiences broadcast in both this courtroom, and the media. The victims are those who will have to live with what has happened to them for the rest of their lives." Rafael placed both hands on the witness box and leaned close to the jurors. "Damien Bradley is not the victim."

Rafael pushed himself away from the jury, and walked back to his chair. He sighed as he sat. It was over. Weeks, months, of stress, anger and paperwork was finally over. He allowed his temple to gently rest against two of his fingers. He glanced at Damien Bradley, and a thought crossed his mind. Would he and Kate have ever got together if it weren't for this case? All the emotional highs and lows of their brief, yet passionate relationship had been intertwined with the mess that was this case. Without the case they never would have kissed in the stairwell, he never would have chased her to the motel room after her attack, they never would have ended up together in his apartment after a rough day in court, and they never would have fallen in love. He sighed again, then looked up to the judge as she instructed the jury.

"Jurors, this is a complex case. I advise you to take you time in evaluating it. And I remind you not to continue to not speak to anyone about this case, even your family members. Good luck." she picked up the gavel. "Court is in recess."

* * *

Olivia squeezed Kate's hand as the gavel banged. A sigh of relief left her body. She stood from her seat as quick as she could, eager to get out of court room before Rafael could turn around. She sped out of the room as quick as she could then dodged the press until she found a quiet bench. Olivia followed her out, and sat next to her.

"You can't avoid him forever, Kate."

Kate sighed. "I can try."

"What about after the trial? What then?" Olivia questioned.

"You know, I was thinking about that a few days ago actually. And even if I told him it was all a lie, I don't think he could forgive me for the things I said."

Olivia looked down at the tiles. "Kate, I've known Rafael a long time now, and he knows what is like to be in a bad situation. He's had to do so many bad things in order to help the greater good, and he'll understand that's what you did."

"He told me he loved me, and I said it didn't change anything," she explained. "No one can recover from that."

Olivia was just about to tell Kate that yes, they could recover when Kate's mother appeared in front of them both.

"May I have a word with you, Kate?" she asked.

Olivia looked to Kate with worried eyes. "Do you want me to stay?"

Kate shook her head. "No, it's okay."

Olivia stood, but hovered for a moment, staring at Kate's mother with a fierce look a warning. She waked away, leaving the two women staring at each other.

"What do you want?" Kate asked harshly.

"Now that this trial is over, I think we need to talk."

Kate narrowed her eyes. "Well, I have nothing to say, so…"

"I think it's time to put the past behind us."

The loudest scoff left Kate's mouth. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No."

After all the pain and suffering this woman had put Kate through, she thought she could just say that they should put it behind them. Kate couldn't even find the words.

"But… before we do that, I think you should apologise to me."

"You what?" Kate had to blink a few times to make sure the scene unfolding in front of her was real.

"Apologise to me. You've said some hurtful things to me, and after all I am the woman that raised you."

Something inside of Kate snapped. Her anger at Harris, at Bradley, at Rafael, at herself and mostly, at her mother boiled to the brim inside of her. She shot up from her chair, and leaned close to her mother's face. "How about you shove your pretentious, lying hand up your ass and see if my apologies in there, because you aren't going to get one from me."

"How dare you! I came here to make amends and…"

"See, no, that's the thing – you didn't come here to make amends. You wanted me to pretend like what you did was right when what you did was the most evil, disgusting thing that has ever been done," she yelled. Her voice carried through the stone halls causing a loud echo. "And if you think that I want to see your horrific, devilish face anytime in the future, you are even more delusional than I thought."

"You cannot speak to your mother like that!"

Kate narrowed her eyes. "You. Are . Not. My. Mother. You haven't been for a very long time. Every time I hear your same and see you face, I'm ready for my life to be ruined. But here's a news flash, you pathetic excuse for a human being, I have no life for you to ruin anymore."

Her mother took a step back from her, as if frightened.

"I've got nothing to lose. I have no job, no love, no family. Your job is done." Kate leaned even closer to her. "So get the hell away from me, get out of this town, and get out of my life forever. Never speak to me again. The only contact I ever want from you is the doctor calling to tell me you've died."

Kate spun away from her. She hadn't realised, but her loud voice had drawn a small crowd. Rafael stood watching, a frown filled with conflicting emotions across his face. Kate didn't even give him or her mother a second look. She simply pushed past the people, and ran into the street.

* * *

Three days. The jury had been out three days, and it was driving Kate insane. She spent most of her time in her apartment, sorting out the details of her move. The rest of her time was spent with a constant rotation of the team visiting.

Nick and Carisi had noticed how down Kate had been. After a lot of badgering, she told them an abridged version of Rafael and her breakup. They had made it their mission to make sure that she was out and about as a means to get over him. They dragged her along to a pool comp, to a cop movie that was horrific, to three different bars, and once, on a whim, they went bowling.

That night was just another of their attempts. Despite her objections that she was fine, they still pulled her out, this time with Amanda. If anybody was looking on, it would have looked like a double date. They went to a small bar about thirty minutes from Kate's apartment, then walked around the freezing cold city for what seemed like an hour. But they all seemed to have fun.

About ten, Nick said "I'm going to head off. Amanda, you want a ride?"

"Sure thing, Amaro," she smiled.

The team all exchanged waves. Carisi and Kate watched them get into the car, and without her lips moving, Kate whispered "And they think we don't know what's going on?"

"Ten bucks they're living together in three months," Carisi replied, also without moving his mouth.

Once Nick and Amanda had driven away, Kate turned to Carisi. "So, you want to call it a night too?"

Carisi looked at his watch. "It's ten? What are we? Grandmas?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Fine. Let's go get some more beers, and watch some TV at mine."

"Miami Vice?" he asked hopefully.

Kate just gave him an unimpressed look.

They drove back to her apartment, making a quick stop at a drive through liquor store to buy beer. As soon as they were in the door, Kate cranked up the heat and they took off their layers. They set up on the couch together, fighting over what to watch on TV and found a happy compromise in 'Friends'.

Halfway through the third episode, Kate knocked her beer on her coffee table, sending the liquid spilling over papers and books.

"Oh god!" Carisi yelled, and instantly started trying to save the books while Kate ran to get a towel.

When she came back into the room, Carisi was staring at a bundle of papers with a confused look.

"What the hell is this?" he asked in an annoyed tone, holding up the beer soaked paper.

She realised it was all the ads for houses in San Francisco. "It doesn't matter Carisi," she said, starting to mop up the mess.

"Are you moving?"

When she didn't answer him, rather just kept wiping down the table, he grabbed the towel to stop her.

"Kate. Are you moving?"

She sighed. "Yes."

"What? Are you giving up the force?"

"I just…I don't think I should be here anymore."

Carisi's brow wrinkled. "Because of Barba?"

She rubbed her eyes. "Because of everything. I'll never be able to make an arrest in this city without someone recognising the 'killer cop'. I'll probably not be allowed back into SVU anyway. I'll end up behind a desk in some file room watching you guys catch rapists for the rest of my career."

"What are you going to do in San Francisco, then?"

"I've got a few interviews lined up for office jobs."

Carisi shook his head in disbelief. "You can't just move! Screw Barba! Screw IAB! Liv will never let you stay behind a desk. You're too good of a cop!"

"Carisi…"

"And what about your friends here? What about the team?"

"You guys…you've been some of the best friends I've ever had, but…I'm done living a life like this. I just want to be a normal cop, live in a normal city, live a normal life." She flopped onto the couch. "I'll change my name again, and I'll get a second…well fourth chance."

Carisi huffed. "No. This is so wrong. You can't…"

"I've already rented out this place," she said, waving her hands around the apartment they stood in.

"We aren't going to let you go easily, Kate." He said sternly. He grabbed his coat.

"Carisi, you don't have to go."

"No. I do." And with that, he slammed the door.


	27. Realisation

**Three more chapters to go before this story finishes up!**

* * *

"Serg!" Carisi banged on the door for the second time that morning. Kate's momentous bombshell had kept him up all night. He knew that whatever he said, Kate wouldn't believe him, and since Rafael was out of the picture, Olivia was his only hope. So, at seven thirty in the morning, right when his sergeant normally left for work, he stood banging on her front door.

Olivia opened it with Noah in her arms and a confused look on her face. "Carisi, what's the matter?"

"Kate's quitting," he said, his jaw clenched.

"What?" Olivia jolted back a little at the sudden news.

"I talked to Kate last night. She's quitting. She's moving to San Francisco." Carisi huffed as he finished explaining.

Olivia stared at him for a moment, then nodded, a concerned look on her face. She turned into her apartment and yelled out "Can you take Noah?" to the nanny who stood behind her. She quickly hurried to take the toddler from Olivia's arms, and into another room.

Once the nanny was gone, Olivia gestured for Carisi to come inside. "She hasn't talked to me about it."

"She said she was going to hand in her papers at the end of the court case."

"Jesus Christ," she whispered, rubbing her temples. "She's a good cop, with a passion for the job. It's something that you don't normally see straight off the bat. No offense, Carisi."

It didn't bother him. In fact, he hadn't even noticed it. "It's fine, Serg."

"You, and most people that are assigned to SVU, develop a passion for the job, but Kate…she walked in and it was if she was born to be here."

"I agree with you," Carisi nodded. "Can you talk to her?"

"Carisi, I'll try, but I'm not going to force her to stay."

* * *

Olivia rapped on Kate's door three times, then put her hands back into her coat. Kate opened the door, and as soon as she saw who was there, she sighed.

"I'm going to kill, Carisi." Kate huffed, turning away from Olivia but leaving the door open.

"He's just trying to help, Kate," she explained, coming in and closing the door behind her. "We don't want to see you go."

"I don't want to see me go either…" Kate confessed, flopping onto the couch. "But I know I can't be a cop anymore."

"The Kate I know wouldn't leave. She wouldn't allow herself to stop helping victims."

"Jesus Christ," she said, exasperated. She put her head in between her tense fingers. "Haven't I done enough? Haven't I given up enough? I've given up jobs, relationships, even my own god damn name so I could keep helping victims. I've almost lost my life, and now it has cost me the man I love. So I think the Kate you knew deserves a break."

Olivia looked to the ground. She knew that what Kate said was entirely justified, and completely understandable. "You do deserve a break. More than anyone. But I don't want to see you take it for the wrong reasons."

She sighed. "Rafael isn't the only reason why I'm leaving, Olivia. It's just the part that hurts the most."

"Please, reconsider Kate."

Kate closed her eyes and paused for a moment, then without lifting hr eyelids she responded, "I move on 18th. The new tenants want to be in by that afternoon."

"No…"

Kate nodded. "I've got an apartment there already. I didn't have a chance to tell Carisi."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. "So, you're really going?"

"You've already got my badge and gun. Consider this my informal resignation. I'll have the forms to you at the end of the court case."

"Kate…"

"Please, don't tell the rest of the team. And please don't tell Rafael."

"I can't…" Before she could continue, Olivia's phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen. "It's Barba."

"Go ahead."

Olivia answered the call, and her face changed to one of shock. "Okay, we'll be there." She hung up the phone.

Kate looked at her puzzled.

"It's the Bradley case…" Olivia said. She let out a small breath, then continued. "The jury's in."

* * *

Kate's heart had never beat so fast. It felt as if she was being punched from the inside out. She clutched her chest in the car as Olivia sped through the streets of New York City with the speed and precision only a NYPD cop has. Kate's mind churned with the possibility. What if they found him not guilty? He would be in a mental hospital for the rest of his life, and be in his prime hunting grounds where he could prey on the ill. But, what, what if by some possibility, he was found guilty? Somewhere in her mind, she prayed for this. She wasn't a believer in any religion, but at that moment she prayed. She didn't know who to, or whether it was being heard, but it somehow made her feel better.

Kate had never seen someone park so quickly in New York City, especially near the courthouse. She beat three other cars to the space, then zipped in without a moment of hesitation. Olivia and Kate walked calmly as to get by the hordes of press that surrounded the entrance of the courthouse without them seeing her. They made their way down the underground car park and up the elevator.

On the ride up, Olivia placed a hand on Kate's shoulder. "Kate, no matter what happens, you are still a good cop and a good person."

She nodded, even though she knew that if he was found not guilty she wouldn't feel like either of those things.

The doors slid open, and Kate powered out. She noticed Carisi sitting in the corridor. He jumped up as soon as he saw them.

"Four days to get a verdict," he said as they approached. "It's a good sign. Are you ready for this Kate?"

Kate shook her hands that were beginning to flood with pins and needles. Shakily, she responded, "I'll be fine. I just need to sit down."

"Nick's inside already," he said, pointing to the doors.

Kate gave him a sharp nod then headed inside, leaving Carisi and Olivia in the hall.

Once she was out of ear shot, Carisi leaned closer. "Did you talk to her?"

Olivia frowned. "I did. I don't think it will matter what we say."

Carisi sighed. "Thank you for trying, Serg."

The two headed into the courtroom and took a seat just before court was called to order.

Kate had to keep flexing her fingers to make the tingling feeling go away, but it soon spread to her entire body. She felt like she wanted to run, never move again and flop onto the ground all at the same time. Even the feeling in her stomach she got when she saw Rafael was numbed in comparison to her nerves.

Carisi shuffled in beside her and instantly gripped her hand tightly. He didn't say anything, but simply gave her a reassuring nod. The issue of her moving away disappeared in that moment.

"All rise," The bailiff said.

The entire court room stood, and watched as the judge shuffled into the room. As the judge sat, so did the rest of the room.

Kate felt like she was going to pass out. Her vision was blurred, and there was if there was no blood left in her head or hands. A panic attack was coming, but she tried her hardest to push it down.

"Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" the judge asked.

This was it. All the breath left Kate's body.

The first juror stood with a small piece of paper in his hand. "We have, your honour. We the jury find the defendant…"

Kate gripped onto Carisi's hand with such intensity she was sure she was breaking it. The entire courtroom simultaneously held their breath.

"Guilty on all counts."

The panic attack disappeared. It was if all the stress, all the anger, and all the worry left her body with those four words. She huffed as she finally let herself breath. It was over. He was guilty. The court room erupted with cheers, and shouts. There was so much noise, the next thirty seconds felt like a blur.

Carisi turned to her and embraced her in his arms for a moment. "It's over," he whispered in her ear, but it didn't register. Olivia came over and hugged her, followed by every member of the team. All the parents of the victims came over to her and shook her hand, but she couldn't say anything to them. The team surrounded her, and began chatting with smiles on their face.

She pushed through them, to their surprise, and walked to the railing behind Bradley. There she stood and watched as this monster was handcuffed.

His eyes frantically searched the room. "No," she heard him whisper to himself.

Suddenly, he lashed out at the man that was handcuffing him. "NO!" he screamed. "Get off me!" But not matter how much he thrashed, the guard would not let him go.

The courtroom came to a halt and watched the scene.

Bradley's black eye's laid on Kate and his face turned into a snarl. "I'll kill you! I'll find you and I'll kill you!"

Kate blinked twice, and cocked her head to the side. "Good luck."

Then she watched as Bradley was dragged away into the cells. Once he was gone, a relief flooded her body.

She turned around to head back to the group, but stopped in her tracks when she saw Rafael in the centre of the circle shaking everyone's hands. They met eyes in an emotion filled look, and both gave each other a nod. That was all. Rafael didn't linger, instead powering off out of the courtroom, probably for the press.

Kate joined the circle once again.

"Drinks tonight, team?" Amanda suggested.

Everyone in the circle agreed, which was a first. They agreed to meet later that night, then Olivia got a call about a case. "Nick, you're with me. The rest of you…" She glanced at Kate and gave her a smile. "You guys celebrate."

Kate grinned. Olivia and Nick headed off, leaving an ecstatic team to celebrate.

* * *

Olivia and Nick walked down the stairs of the courthouse just in time to see Barba emerge from the swarm of press and a distressed Harris take his place.

Olivia ran down and congratulated him again. "We're all having drinks tonight at eight."

Barba pressed his lips together. "I can't,"

Olivia sighed. "Because of Kate?"

"I have a lot of work to do, Liv,"

Olivia bit her tongue as she almost told him about Kate moving away.

"What?" he asked, noticing Olivia's change in expression.

"Nothing. Suit yourself, Barba. But I think you'll regret it." She continued walking down the stairs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Barba called out after her.

"Just be there," she yelled back to him.

* * *

Kate, Carisi, Finn and Amanda all enjoyed a lunch together. They laughed, ate and joked around. It was the most fun Kate had had in a while. Once the lunch was over, the team had to leave to get to work on the new case that they had caught. Carisi apologised again and again for leaving her, but Kate didn't mind.

One she was alone on the streets of New York City, she paused and just watched. She watched different women and girls go by and knew that Damien Bradley could never hurt them. A small smile graced her face.

She headed back to her apartment, and started packing. She didn't have many belongings – a result from years on the run – so most of her living room, other than her furniture was packed within the hour. She started packing up her bedroom, and as she rummaged through her closet, a blue button up shirt fell out. Rafael's shirt.

With a shaking hand, she grabbed it and stared at it. Then, with a sigh, she cast the shirt into the garbage bin.

Finnigan's, an Irish pub know to be a cop hangout, wasn't too packed or to empty. The team drank and laughed for three hours, before heading out with cheerful goodbyes.

Carisi and Olivia paused together outside the bar. They both looked down the street and saw Kate laughing with Nick and Amanda.

"It's good to see her happy again, isn't it?" Carisi asked.

Olivia smiled, then nodded. "It sure is."

"So, Barba didn't show?"

The smile faded from Olivia's face. "No, he didn't."

"He was my last hope to get her to change her mind, you know." Carisi frowned.

Olivia sighed. "Me too."

"She's not going to stay, is she?"

"No, Carisi, I don't think she is."

He rammed his hands into his coat pockets like an annoyed child. "I wish she could see that this is the best place for her, even if it sucks right now. I mean sometimes I just want to snap her out of it. She doesn't know how to be happy, and thinks that all she deserves is bad."

"I know,"

"She never does anything for herself, you know? She's too focused on helping others."

A though crossed Olivia's mind, like a lightbulb switching on. "Maybe we need to do something for her, even if she doesn't want us to."

"What?" Carisi said, confused.

. "I've got to go." She turned her back to him and headed towards a cab.

"You're going to tell him aren't you?" he yelled out to her, but she didn't respond.

* * *

Rafael didn't have to work that night. In fact, the only thing he had on his schedule was sitting in his office with whiskey, watching the news, and hoping that he could drink enough that he would get drunk.

He was halfway through that process, when his door burst open.

"Barba, if you let Kate go, you are the biggest idiot."

Rafael jumped, and turned to see an enraged Olivia fuming in his door way. "What?"

"You heard me. She loves you, you love her."

"Can't you see I'm busy," he said dismissively, pouring himself another glass. "Anyway, this is none of your business."

"God damn it," Olivia sped over to him and put a hand on each of his armrests. "She's moving to San Francisco, Barba. The love of your life is about to be three thousand miles away."

His heart clenched. Although the thought of what he did to him hurt, the idea of never seeing her again hurt even more. Despite this, he pushed his emotions down. "Good."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Good?!"

"Good. I can finally get my life back on track."

"You're an idiot,"

Rafael scoffed. "You have no idea what you're talking about. I can't forgive her for what she did to me, Olivia."

She slammed her hand down on the table in frustration. "Jesus Christ, Barba," she yelled. "Harris blackmailed Kate into breaking up with you."

With those words, the glass slipped from his fingers. "What?"

"Harris knew that the only way to get to you was through Kate. She had photos. She said she would cause a mistrial, and if you reported it, then the evidence would still come to light."

Rafael froze. His mind ran. She was protecting him. The entire time. And he let her go. "Oh my god."

"Rafael, she loves you. She didn't want you to lose everything. She didn't want to risk the Bradley trial. All she ever does it want to help people and take all the bad stuff away because that's what she's used to."

"Oh my god," he repeated. "I…I have to speak to her." Rafael grabbed his coat. "Where is she now?"

"Her apartment, I'm guessing."

"I've got to go."

And so, Rafael ran.


	28. Together

Rafael ran, sprinted even, along the rainy streets of New York. It was a Friday night, so there was no way he could use his car in the city. The pouring rain had soaked through both his suit and his coat, but none of that mattered. He just had to get to Kate.

He pushed past people, almost got hit by a cab and ploughed through a crowd of people waiting for a theatre opening. His mind ran just as fast as his feet. How could he be so stupid? How could he not have realised? Kate would never have said the things she said. No, she was just trying to protect him the entire time. And because of this, he had hated her, and ruined the best thing he had ever had in his life. Now, he was going to lose her forever.

This thought made his legs move faster. His lungs burnt, he puffed uncontrollably and his eyes were stinging from the rain, but he pushed through. He finally reached Kate's building, and he paused outside it, staring up. His chest huffed with his deep breaths. _Go to her_ , his mind screamed. And so, he did.

He rammed his shoulder into the front door, sending it flinging open. Up the stairs he went, jumping two steps at a time until he reached her apartment. He knocked on the door so hard, he was surprised his fist didn't go through the wood.

The door opened, and he saw her – the love of his life. She blinked, confused, as she took in the sight of a dripping wet Rafael.

"Wha…"

She didn't even have a chance to say a word, before Rafael pushed into her apartment. "I know about Harris," he puffed.

Panic and confusion crossed Kate's face. "What? How…"

"Olivia told me, Kate. And I'm so sorry…" He stepped towards her, as if he was going to cup her face, but she stepped away from him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, dismissively.

Rafael sighed. "You don't have to protect me."

She stepped further away from him, towards the door and held it open. "I think you should go."

Rafael was slightly taken aback, but he quickly shook it off. "No."

"What?"

"You heard me," he replied, taking a deep breath. "Kate, you can stop pretending. You can stop carrying the world on your shoulders. You don't need to protect everyone, anymore."

Kate stared at him for a long time. Suddenly, she slammed the door shut. "Jesus Christ, Rafael…" she yelled. "I can't do this. I won't be the one who causes a mistrial! I can't have this conversation!"

"Well, we are going to!" he screamed back. "The trial is over. It's time to talk about this. You should have told me about Harris from the start!"

Kate gripped the sides of her head in frustration, and walked into the kitchen. "I was trying to protect you! Trying to protect the victims!"

Rafael powered after her. "You didn't need to shelter me, Kate! There was two people being threatened when Harris came to you. You and me. You should have told me!"

"I couldn't!"

"You could have. We could have worked something out. You don't have to protect everyone all the time!"

Kate slammed her fist on the kitchen bench. "That's what I do. That's all I've ever been able to do. I can never protect myself, I can never stop someone from hurting me, but I'll be damned if I let it happen to someone else."

Rafael's frustration died down, and a short silence came between them. He moved slowly over to her, so that his shoulder was touching hers. She didn't move away. "I know. But you don't have to protect me, Kate. We should have been protecting us…as a couple. I don't want to lose you…" He reached for her clenched fist which still sat on the bench top.

As soon as his fingertips touched her skin, she ripped herself away from him. "No!" She threw herself to the other side of the room, and put her back to him. "What I said…what I did…we can't move past that. I was a monster."

Rafael took slow steps until her stood behind her. "Kate. You are not a monster. I was an idiot who couldn't see that you cared so much for me that you sacrificed your happiness. You could never be a monster, _bella alma_."

Tears had welled in Kate's eyes. "It's too late. I'm leaving, Rafael. I'm moving. I won't be a part of this life anymore."

"Kate…" he sighed. "I don't want a life without you, and I can't stand the thought of you leaving."

"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Rafael!" she screamed, turning and pushing him away from her. "Don't make my heart break any more than it already is."

"Your heart cannot be breaking any more than mine."

The tears began to fall down her face. "No, my heart is broken because I love you. I love you so much, Rafael. And now, I have broken what was between us and I have to leave."

Rafael stared at her. "You love me?"

Shakily, she wiped the tears away from her cheeks. "Yes, Rafael, I love you more than anything and that's…"

Before she could finish, Rafael closed the distance between them in three steps and pressed his mouth to hers. His hands roughly pulled her into his chest. There was a moment as he kissed her, when everything in Kate's mind went blank except for the feeling of his lips against hers. All the troubles of Harris, of Bradley, of the move were gone, replaced with the feeling of pure passion, care and, most importantly, love. She kissed him back, and allowed her body to relax within his grasp. It felt like home.

The passion in their kiss was different from their kisses in the past. Normally, they moved slow and tenderly, but this was filled with urgency and need. They needed to be together, needed to feel their skin merge.

Rafael pressed her up against the kitchen bench. Her hands feverishly ran through his wet hair and down his neck where she pulled him even closer to her. His fingers grasped the hem of her shirt and tore it up, making them break the kiss for only a moment. Kate needed to feel her chest against his; her skin against his. She yanked the soaking coat and suit jacket from his body, then ripped the tie from his neck within seconds. Her fingers opened four buttons and that's all she could manage before urgency took over. She pushed the shirt over his shoulders so it bunched at his elbows and hung around his back, then pressed herself against him.

The feeling was incredible and thrust both of them into overdrive. Rafael ripped Kate's pants and panties from her body in one swoop. They couldn't stand undressing each other any longer. Kate jumped up onto the counter, unzipped his pants and pulled him free. His body pressed in between her legs, and both of them moaned as he entered her. This brief moment of pure relief didn't last long as the passion overtook them again. His arm wrapped around her waist and began to thrust into her. She moved in motion with him. Both of them huffed as pressure began to build inside them.

As their bodies wrapped together, it was if they were two pieces of a puzzle that had come together in their rightful places. The weeks they had been apart were suddenly a distant memory as they moved in perfect rhythm.

Kate gently bit Rafael's collarbone, and gripped onto his hair. This sensation drove him wild and he moved faster and faster into her. They both groaned as the sudden speed caused more and more pressure to build inside of them. It built and built and built, until suddenly… the pressure exploded in to pure ecstasy. Rafael's fingers pressed into Kate's skin as feeling overtook him. She gripped onto him as she rode the waves of pleasure inside of her.

As the aftershocks of the earthquake that had just occurred inside their body began to subside, they didn't move, instead, enjoying the touch of each other's puffing bodies.

Finally, Rafael and Kate untangled their upper halves and looked each other in the eyes. Slowly, Kate raised a hand and traced her thumb along his jaw line, then pressed it to his thin lips. It was so sensual and delicate the way she did this. She moved that hand and cupped his face, and kissed him tenderly. But, the tender kiss suddenly turned passionate It was if every touch, every kiss, every climax they had missed in the last few weeks needed to be made up for.

With lips still interlocked, they moved to Kate's bedroom. Rafael shed the rest of his clothes as did Kate, then he delicately lowered her onto the blanket. His hands grasped her waist, but one began to travel down. He broke the kiss and shuffled down in between her legs. His fingers traced her inner thighs where he began to tease her. His mouth pressed against her firmly.

Her head lolled backwards, and her hands grasped the blankets as his mouth moved in at just the right tempo. As he continued, she could feel the climax inside of her building. Her body began to clench and tense as she was close to the edge, then he tipped her over as he hit just the right spot. She groaned, arching her spine a little, then collapsing back onto the bed.

Rafael placed ticklish kisses up to her neck, then laid on the bed next to her. Still feeling her body tingling, she straddled his hips and pushed herself down onto him. Her body began to roll to an inaudible rhythm. Rafael held her waist, then began to run his hands over her body as if he wanted to consume every bit of it. Her rhythm began to increase, and she leant over him, putting a hand at each side of his head. Her small, sharp breaths brushed against his neck, and this small sensation caused an explosion of ecstasy inside of him. He moaned, and held Kate close to him.

They both puffed. Kate pulled herself up, but not off him. She ran her hands down his chest, enjoying the familiar feel of his skin and chest hair. Eventually, they pulled away from each other, only to once again curl around each other. They lay on Kate's bed facing each other with their hands and calves tangled together. They didn't break each other's gaze.

"I love you, Kate." Rafael cooed.

A small smile appeared on her face. "I love you too, Rafael."

Tiredness overtook them very quickly, and they feel asleep in that exact position. That night both of them slept better than they had since they broke up. There was something natural about sleeping next to each other.

The next morning, Rafael was the first to wake. A sleepy grin appeared on his face when he saw Kate nestled in his arm. Kate roused soon after him as if she sensed his stare.

"What are you looking at?" she asked.

Rafael sighed happily. "The love of my life."

Kate's body flooded with happiness, and she blushed.

"Did you just blush?" laughed Rafael.

Kate's hand's flung up to her cheeks. "No!"

"You did!" Rafael pulled her body into his and began to tickle her.

She squirmed and they laughed. Neither of them had felt so happy in a long time. As this joy washed over them both, Rafael paused.

"Don't go to San Francisco."

Kate's laughed stopped suddenly as the real world came crashing down. "I…I've already rented out this apartment to new tenants."

"Get a new apartment," he said. "Wait, no, don't get a new apartment."

Kate's face fell.

"Move in with me."

"What?" Kate yelled, an ecstatic grin coming over her face.

Rafael leaned his face close to hers. "I don't want to spend another moment away from you, _bella alama_."

"Are…are you sure?"

"Well, I might have to move some ties around, but other than that, I'm sure. So, what do you say?"

Kate looked at him, deep into his eyes, and knew what he was saying was the truth. "Yes."

Rafael's face lit up. "So you're staying?"

Kate pressed her lips to his for a moment, before pulling away and whispering, "I'm staying, my love."


	29. Normal

**Only one more chapter to go after this guys!**

* * *

Kate and Rafael's hands remained linked in the car as he drove them both to the court house. Three weeks of living together and everything was going perfectly. For the first two weeks, being around each other in the apartment was a novelty, but in the last week it had become a comfortable normality. That was the feeling that Kate liked the most. She finally felt normal. She was a normal woman, living with her normal boyfriend, in their normal apartment. For the first time in her life, she couldn't stop smiling.

Rafael pulled his car into the underground lot, found a spot, and they took the elevator upwards. When the doors slid open, the entire team were waiting in the hall. Carisi hurried over to them and handed Kate a coffee.

"Thanks, Carisi," she said, using the Styrofoam cup to defrost her hands from the November weather.

"Don't I get a coffee too?" Rafael asked, jokingly.

"When I make the same money as you, I'll buy you a coffee," Kate said with a smirk.

Rafael rolled his eyes, but grinned. He gently squeezed her arm to say goodbye, then hurried off into the courtroom.

Once he was gone, Carisi leaned close to Kate and whispered "How's living together going?"

She blew on her steaming cup of coffee before she responded. "Good, Carisi. Really good."

A genuine smile came across Carisi's face. "I'm so glad to hear that Kate."

Nick called them over, and they all filed into the courtroom.

Kate sat down in the first row, and would not take her eyes off Bradley. He looked…defeated. She glared at him with triumph and satisfaction. A small grin came over her face.

The court was called into session. The judge ran through a number of factors that would be influencing sentencing, then a number of victims made statements. Kate chose not to be one of them, but she listened to the beautiful yet heart-wrenching speeches that the women and girls read to the judge. They detailed the abuse once again and how it has affected their lives. Kate could hear a few people sniffing behind her, and saw one woman wiping back tears a few seats across. After each victim spoke, they would walk back past Kate and she would give them a reassuring nod or a light squeeze of the hand.

Finally, the judge had heard all he needed to and began his sentencing. "Mister Bradley, this has been one of the most horrific cases I have ever seen in my life. You have proven that you are a serial abuser of power and authority with a taste for violence and suffering. You represent a number of challenges to the state. Firstly, your crimes span a number of decades with an increase on the severity and nature of the crimes. There is no period where these crimes stopped, and you would have continued if you had not been caught. If you were ever to be released, there is no doubt in my mind that you offend again. Secondly, the state believes that, despite you very well-acted performance in this court, have no remorse for your crimes. Thirdly, you have proven to the state that you are a flight risk. Fourthly, these crimes completely surround the suffering of another person. Finally, Mister Bradley, the state believes that you pose a risk to other around you, no matter their gender, age, race, or mental health. Therefore, I hand down this sentence,"

Nick, who was sitting behind her, gripped her shoulder. She nodded without looking at him.

"Damien Bradley, on the six counts of rape, I sentence you to fifteen years imprisonment per count with no possibility of parole. These sentences are not to be served concurrently."

Kate exhaled the biggest sigh of relief. The victim next to her, Maddison, turned and wrapped her small arms around Kate with a smile. There were a few cheers in the crowd.

The judge continued. "On the one count of attempted rape, I sentence you to ten years imprisonment. On eight counts of kidnapping, I sentence you to twenty years of imprisonment per count. These sentences are not to be served concurrently. And on the eight counts of torture, I sentence you to twenty years of imprisonment per count. These sentences are not to be served concurrently. Your sentence will be undertaken at Attica Correctional Facility. It is my recommendation to this facility that you be categorised as a maximum security prisoner." The judge turned from Bradley to Barba. "Thank you, ADA Barba and Defence Counsel Harris. Court is now adjourned."

The court erupted into cheers. So many people wrapped their arms around Kate, she lost track of them. Once the initial chaos died down, the team and Barba formed a small circle.

"Drinks?" Olivia suggested.

Everyone agreed with vigour, and it was scheduled for that night. The group began to break off to either go back to work, or to lunch. Although Kate and Rafael couldn't embrace lovingly in the courtroom, they could give a congratulatory hug. When they wrapped their arms around each other, Kate whispered "I love you, Rafael," in his ear to which he responded "I love you too, _bella alma_."

Just as they broke their embrace, Harris stormed past them giving them the look of death.

"Careful," she hissed. "People might get the wrong idea."

Rafael narrowed his darkened eyes at her. "Listen Harris, I might not have found a way to expose you. But I will…and oh my, will I enjoy that day."

Harris raised one corner of her mouth. "Right. I'd like to see that happen."

She sauntered away to towards the media frenzy on the front steps. Rafael looked back to Kate as if to ask if it was okay for him to go. She smiled and nodded.

He hurried away, and she realised the rest of the team were outside, and it was just her and a few other people in the courtroom. She took a deep breath and looked around. Really looked around. Normally the room was so full of people, she never had the chance to take in the beautiful maple coloured wood and stone tiles. She sat down in one of the empty pews. This courtroom had felt like a home after the last few months, and now it was if she was saying goodbye to her familiar childhood home and moving on to bigger and better things.

She sighed again.

"Detective Walker?"

Kate jumped and looked to the side to see Annabeth Greyson, the first of Bradley's victims, standing beside her.

"Just Kate's fine."

"Can I sit?" Annabeth asked.

Kate slid over without another word and she shuffled in beside her.

"Kate, I just wanted to say…thank you."

She smiled and shrugged. "It's my job."

Annabeth tilted her head a little. "But, it wasn't. Sure, investigating and arresting him was. But…but you had to go through what every one of his victims had to endure to bring him down. And you had your personal life brought up. They even brought your mother here. You held out throughout this entire trial."

Kate felt a churning feeling in her stomach.

"I was raped all those years ago, and the police didn't believe me. I lost faith in the cops," she continued. "But now…looking at you and everything you went through to get justice, I know that there's people out there that are looking out for people like me."

Kate was stunned. What Annabeth had said was the reason she had become a cop – so that those who felt helpless knew they had a protector.

Shakily, Kate managed to say a few words before she started crying. "You have…no idea how much that means to me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry!"

Kate quickly wiped the tears from her face. "No, no! They're happy tears!"

She sat with Kate for another ten minutes, talking about her kids and her beautiful husband. Kate loved to hear the story because it was good to hear that someone just like her; someone who had been ripped apart had been able to glue themselves back together again. And she had found the love of her life in the process.

* * *

"Cheers!" Seven voices chimed as seven different shaped glasses met in the air.

Everyone took a sip of their drinks, before Carisi jumped from his seat. "I would like to make a toast! To Barba, for his excellent work in the courtroom, and to Kate…" He smiled at her. "I can safely say that you've changed more lives in your few months in New York City than I have in my entire life. You've made this team whole, Kate, and we can't wait to have you back."

"To Kate!" Everyone yelled, then gulped from their glasses.

"I actually have an announcement…" Kate said, sending a small, sly grin to Rafael who sat beside her. "Well, not an announcement but an invitation of sorts."

Everyone looked confused.

"All of you know that I was going to leave New York city a few weeks ago, but changed my mind. But, I had already sublet my apartment. I moved into a new place three weeks ago and…"

"And you want to invite us over? Have a little housewarming bash?" Nick asked.

Kate took a deep breath, then grabbed Rafael's hand in full view of the team. "Well, we wanted to invite you all over."

Amanda and Finn, the only two who didn't know about the relationship, instantly froze. Amanda's mouth dropped open.

Nick, who knew about the relationship but not about the apartment, grinned. "You two are living together now?!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Amanda said, holding up her hands. She turned to Nick. "You knew?"

Kate bit her lip a little. Nick was going to be in trouble with her tonight.

"Well…yeah..."

"Serg and I knew too," Carisi chimed in.

"I honestly thought you two hated each other," Finn commented.

"Listen, we can talk about this later." Kate said. "Rafael and I are going to be having a Thanksgiving dinner next Saturday, and we would love it if you all could come."

"Of course!"

"Yes!"

"Don't have to ask me twice."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Kate smiled at her friends, then gripped Rafael's hand. Everything felt right.

* * *

Three days, the entire team stood in a circle around Kate whispering encouraging words to her. Rafael was there too, sitting on a table behind the group sipping his coffee. His encouragement had come in a different, more physical form last night. And twice that morning.

"Don't stress yourself out about it," Carisi said. "There's no need to stress about it until you know the outcome. I mean, so what if they don't let you back on the force? We'll smuggle you in every day. You won't be able to have a gun or a badg…"

"Carisi?" Kate interrupted him. "Shut up."

Tucker was waiting upstairs for her. Despite constant insistence from Olivia, Rafael, and everybody else in the room, she wanted to go and find out the outcome on her own. Her last psych evaluation had been just after the sentencing hearing. It was strangely sad to say goodbye to her psychiatrist.

Kate took in one deep breath. "Okay."

She walked towards the elevator while wishes of good luck were yelled at her from behind. Once she was inside and the doors were closed, she sighed and thought of Annabeth Greyson. With that, all her nerves and worries were gone. No matter what words came out of Tucker's mouth, she had done her job. There was a man behind bars, many women safe, and a girl who felt she was being looked out for.

The doors slid open, and Tucker's partner, Sergeant Martin, stood there waiting for her.

"Detective Walker," he nodded in greeting.

He guided her to the meeting room she had been in all those days before when she had been stripped of her gun and badge. Tucker sat in the exact same spot, and she was sure in the exact same suit. She shook his hand then took a seat.

"Detective Walker, I'm glad to hear that Bradley was found guilty. Congratulations." Tucker said.

"Thank you."

"Now, this was a difficult case. Many thought you should have been stripped of your badge all those weeks ago, but we had to follow protocol."

Her stomach knotted a little, but she took a deep breath.

"Your psychiatrist provided us with weekly updates on you and your mental state. I am not allowed to know what you talked about in your sessions. I only get the final reports, but the first week was most definitely troubling." He picked up a small grouping of papers. "As I quote, 'Detective Walker is exhibiting excessive signs of PTSD at current. It is unclear whether this condition is rooted in previous trauma, or the more recent trauma involving D. Bradley. She lacks a substantial support system, and currently could be engaging in high risk relationships.'"

Kate rubbed her forehead. "Okay…"

"But, her last and final report is of more interest to me. As I quote, 'Detective Walker has shown a substantial improvement over the course of the D. Bradley trial. I believe she has developed more efficient coping skills. Although her PTSD is still present, I do not believe that it will impact on her work, or on decision making abilities. She has now developed a strong support system in the forms of her team, and is showing positive improvements in engaging in healthy, interpersonal relationships.'"

A small smile came over her face. Kate had never been able to read her psychiatrists face, and this was the first time she had heard what she'd written about her.

Tucker placed the papers down, and interlaced his fingers in front of him. "Despite what she has written, you have been through hell and back. You were kidnapped, tortured, stripped of your badge, had your life paraded before the media. Everyone in New York, and everyone on the force knows your name and face. Everyone knows what happened in your past."

Kate felt like she was on a rollercoaster of emotions that was currently doing loops and taking unexpected sharp turns.

Tucker sighed a little, then stood as if he was going to leave. "If you can go through all that and still want to be on this force, Detective Walker, I take my hat off to you." He reached into his pocket and threw something on the table. It clunked and clinked against the wooden surface then skidded to a stop in front of Kate. It was her badge. "You're back on the force, Walker."

Kate stared at the small metal object in front of her, and managed to whisper a "thank you" to Tucker and Martin.

"We'll be keeping a close eye on you though," Martin advised, pulling on his coat. "So stay inside the lines."

Kate nodded eagerly to them.

Tucker pulled on his own coat, then held out his hand to Kate. She gave him a grateful smile as she shook it.

Tucker and Martin left the room, leaving Kate staring at her badge. She was back on the force. Her excited and trembling fingers gently touched the metal, as if to test that it was real. Once she found her fingertips laying on the engraved letters 'NYPD', she couldn't hold herself back. She grabbed the badge and let out a little squeal of excitement.

She ran to the elevator, and didn't bother to compose herself. Her feet tapped as the numbers ticked down on the screen. As soon as the bell dinged, she sprinted to the small collection of desks where the team sat.

"I'm back on the team!" she screamed, louder than she really should have.

Carisi was the first to get to her. He wrapped his arms around her, and lifted her a little off the ground. "I knew it!"

Nick, Finn, and Amanda hugged her too then Olivia appeared in front of her holding Kate's gun and holster, as well as the keys to the squad car. "I expect to see you eight A.M. tomorrow then."

Kate took her gun and holster, then quickly hugged Olivia.

Rafael and Kate met eyes, and the room fell silent. Everyone suddenly realised that they should probably leave them alone for a moment.

"Ah….Nick, can you take a look at that report for me?" Amanda asked, pulling Amaro by the shirt sleeve towards the printer.

"I've got to make some calls," Olivia said, wondering off into her office.

"Carisi, you want a cup of coffee?" Finn asked, and the two hurried towards the breakroom.

Finally alone, Kate came over to Rafael and leaned on the desk beside him. They couldn't be too affectionate in the workplace, but the simple act of their shoulders being pressed together was enough.

"Congratulations, _bella alma_."

"Thank you, Rafael."

They sat for a moment in joyful silence, smiling widely at each other.

"Hey!" Kate said, suddenly thinking of something. "How come you don't have a Latin name I call you?"

"Well, what do you want to call me? Tell me and I'll translate."

"I don't know. Cute names should just sort of happen."

"How about ' _guapo_ '?"

"What does that mean?" Kate asked.

Rafael smirked. "Handsome."

Kate raised an eyebrow.

"Fine. How about ' _Bueno_ '?"

Kate rolled her eyes. " _Eres un idiota!_ " (You're a jackass.)

Rafael looked at her shocked, but amused. "Where did you learn that?!"

Kate grinned at him. "Your mother taught me when we had brunch last week."

Rafael laughed, and Kate joined him. It was a perfect moment.


	30. Finale

A dull light shone into Rafael's bedroom. Over the last week, cold had taken hold of New York, so Kate and Rafael had slept wrapped around each other under layers and layers of blankets. It was as if a gentle calm had settled over both their lives. Kate was back at work, Rafael was fighting the bad guys, and living together was working out better than expected.

Kate snuggled further into Rafael's neck and placed a gentle kiss on his shoulder. "You awake?" she asked, without opening her eyes.

"No," he replied with a grumble.

Her eyes flung open with a humoured grin on her face. As soon as she did, something caught her eye through the sheer curtains.

"Rafael…" She shook his shoulder without taking her eyes from the scene outside. When he didn't respond, she shook him again, harder and said his name a little louder.

"What?!" he grumbled.

"It's snowing!" she leapt from the bed, completely naked and ran to the window. "Finally! The first snow of winter! And on Thanksgiving!"

She pressed her palms against the glass and stared at the winter wonderland in front of her. Suddenly, arms followed by a blanket was wrapped around her as he encased her in a hug with the bedspread around them both. He pressed his chin into her neck, and admired the white storm.

They stood for a moment, and Kate suddenly creased her eyebrows. "Rafael?"

"Mhmm?"

"I think…I think…I'm happy?" She twisted her neck a little to face him. "I think I am very happy, right here, with you and this apartment in this town."

Rafael looked at her for a moment, then a grin spread across his face. "Me too, _bella alma_. Me too."

They both smiled then pressed their lips together.

* * *

With old Spanish music playing over the stereo, Kate and Rafael chopped carrots together, laughed, and drank wine. The turkey was filling the kitchen with the scent of the beautiful spices Rafael had put in the stuffing. There were five pies in the fridge, setting for desert, as well as three bowls of mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce.

The doorbell rang and Rafael ran to get it. "Hi, Mom," Kate heard him say, and a moment later a smiling Lucia came into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Kate.

"Oh! You look lovely!" She exclaimed, then handed her a bottle of wine. "It goes with anything trust me."

Kate poured Lucia a glass, then led her into the dining room where they had set up a beautiful table spread. Lucia gushed over it for a few minutes, but was interrupted by the doorbell.

Kate ran to the door and opened it to find Nick and Amanda. They came up with a flimsy excuse as to why they had arrived together, which Kate ignored, then guided them in and introduced them to Lucia. As time went on, Carisi and Finn arrived, followed by Olivia and Noah.

Despite offers from everyone, Rafael and Kate continued to work in the kitchen. Eventually, they put all the dishes down on the table, and after grace as requested by Lucia, they all began to eat.

Midway into the meal, Amanda began to talk. "You two seem very happy here."

"Well, they should!" Carisi scoffed. "His dining table is the size of my bathroom."

The entire table chuckled.

"You must be very proud of your son, Lucia," Olivia commented.

"Oh, yes! He was the first of in our family to make it big in America," she said. "My son – an ADA in New York City." She took another sip of wine. "Of course, I thought he was going to lose it all when that woman came and talked to me."

Everyone paused. The sounds of laughter, of turkey being cut, and of wine being poured suddenly stopped.

Rafael leaned closer to his mother. "What?"

"That woman. She was always in the papers. She defended that horrible man Damien Bradley."

Rafael and Kate met eyes for a moment. "Do you mean… Margret Harris?" Kate asked.

"Yes! That's her. Anyway, a few weeks back she came to me and said that if I didn't pretend I was sick and convince you to take a break to help me, she would contact immigration and have your grandfathers immigration looked into, which would mean that he would have had his war medals stripped from him."

"Isn't you grandfather dead?" Amanda asked, recalling a story Barba told her about his funeral

"Yes, dear, he's passed on. But she said that she could still get them stripped." Lucia continued.

"Mom, why didn't you…"

"Tell you? Rafi, you were in the middle of the biggest case of your life. I wasn't going to distract you. Anyway, I told that _perra_ to move on. Nobody was taking my father's medals."

Rafael's eyes widened.

"Oh my god," Kate uttered. "Can you…"

Rafael nodded. "I can get Harris on this. As long as I have proof."

"Well, we talked in the hallway of my apartment building, and there's four cameras there." Lucia explained.

A smirk came across Rafael's face. "Oh, work on Monday is going to be fun."

"Sorry, what's going on?" Finn questioned, confused.

And so, Kate and Rafael explained to those who weren't in the know what had happened with Lucia. This remained the topic of discussion all the way up to the final bite of pie.

"I am so full, I can't move." Carisi commented, rubbing his belly. "Let's see what everyone's thankful for this year."

Everyone groaned a little at the cheesiness of it, but agreed.

"Fine. You go first, Carisi." Amanda said.

He nodded. "I am thankful for my wonderful sister who just blessed me with another nephew."

"I am thankful I am finally in my son's life," Finn said.

"I am thankful for this beautiful snow we got today," added Amanda.

"I am thankful for my daughter and my son, and the people who accept me despite how difficult the situation is," he said, his eyes flickering to Amanda.

Olivia picked Noah up and held him at her waist. "I am thankful for this little guy."

"I am thankful for the beautiful kids at my school who make my life meaningful." Lucia said.

It came around to Rafael. He instantly looked at Kate with a loving smile. "I am thankful for my _bella alma_."

It was Kate's turn. She looked at the seven expectant faces – the people who she was of no relation to, but meant everything in the world to her. The faces of the people who changed her, made her push through the hard parts instead of running, helped her grow when things got tough, and taught her so much. A large smile came over her face.

"I'm thankful for my family."

* * *

 **That's all folks! Thank you to everyone who clicked the follow, favorite and review buttons. A big thank you to those who have been with me from the start consistently reviewing - I have noticed you guys! This was a really challenging story to write, but it was all worth it in the end. I don't think I'll write a sequel to it because I think its best not to ruin the possibilities. I hope you guys liked Kate and Rafael's love story, and all their little bumps along the way. I'm thinking of doing an Amanda/Carisi fic soon but not sure how everyone would feel about that - what do you guys think?**

 **Thank you so much again for reading!**


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